Friday, June 24, 2011

fool

I don't know why it feels so awful to know that someone has decided to giving up on me. well let just say I didn't worth the fight, but did I? if I keep thinking about those words I just said, then I think about why should I keep fighting all of these unknown things, why should I keep fighting it all alone? cause last time I said that I started to feel like I was fighting it all alone, all I got was being dumped, thank you. fine, then I decided to use my heart first (I didn't decide actually, it just happened) and all I got was just those crappy miserable feelings. it didn't work out, fine, I decided to use my head.. even though it may sounds weird, but by using my head, I started to feel like a jerk, like a stupid silly jerk! you just got dumped, God damn it! what are you doing? teasing it all up? GOD! it's just, why would you fight for something you never knew it wasn't so real as you think it was? and fighting it all alone? oh somebody please wake me up!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

goodbye..

it was 00.51 when you're finally gone, and I wasn't there, even until the funeral, still, I wasn't there. even though I couldn't be there for such a reasonable stuffs, but I do feel like a selfish bitch! what am I doing here? nothing, when she used to be so nice at me.
inget banget, dulu waktu masih tinggal di rumah oma, sering banget dimasakin makanan kesukaan ade. sampe waktu pindah, tiap weekend maen kesana, selalu ditawarin mau makan apa, dari yang ade suka, sampe jajanan ga penting, di kasih uang jajan sering banget, dan yang paling ade ga bisa lupa itu momen kalo ade mau pulang terus oa keluar ke pager nganterin sampe ade dapet ojek terus dadain sampe agak jauh, dan selalu ngingetin tukang ojeknya buat ati-ati dan ga boleh ngebut. tiap momen itu kejadian ade selalu pengen nangis, takut kalo suatu hari oma ngga bisa gitu lagi, takut kalo suatu hari, hari ini dateng dan ade ga bisa liat oma lagi. inget juga tiap abis terima rapot pasti ayah selalu ngajak ke rumah oma, buat mamerin rapotnya ade sama cacak, biar oma juga bangga kalo cucunya nilainya bagus, dan kebiasaan itu masih kebawa sampe kuliah. seneng aja rasanya kalo bisa bikin oma bangga kalo cucunya pinter. untung ipnya ade semester kemaren bagus-bagus, dan oma masih bisa denger, jadi paling ngga disaat terakhir oma tau kalo ade masih (sedikit) pinter, ato rajin belajar deh. tiap lulus sekolah juga pasti ade pamer ijazah, Alhamdulillah nilainya bagus-bagus, jadi bisa oma banggain ke gengnya kalo pengajian. tapi harapan yang terakhir ngga kesampean ya ma, pengennya sih kalo ade lulus kuliah oma ada dan ikut photo bareng, ade udah niat banget buat lulus cepet biar oma bisa liat, tapi masih terlalu lama ya? oma udah ga tahan ya? ngga papa deh, pasti juga oma tau disana, nanti kalo ade sholat dengerin ceritanya aja ya. lucu juga kalo inget dulu tiap ulang tahun suka nungguin kado "amplop" dari oma, yang dulu ade pernah jeles karna waktu ade ulang taun cacak dikasi amplop juga,tapi pas cacak ulang taun ade ngga dikasi, trus akhirnya ayah bilang ke oma, trus semenjak itu jadi impas terus deh. kadang malah kalo ke rumah oma, yang ditunggu-tunggu ade sama cacak itu adalah amplop dari oma (kalo lagi kere), suka ketebak sih sama ibu sama ayah, tapi untung kita jago ngeles. dan suatu hari ade sama cacak pernah bingung, kenapa ya, oma itu sering ngasih kita amplop, terutama ade sama cacak, dan kesimpulan kita adalah biar oma dijengukin terus, oma seneng dijenguk, makanya gitu, padahal ngga pake itupun kita bakal tetep ke rumah oma. dan masih banyak lagi cerita-cerita sama oma, ngga bisa di critain satu-satu, terlalu banyak, dan itu bakal susah banget buat dilupain.
waktu tau oma jatuh, ga tau kenapa, ade tau itu bakal jadi awal dari semua yang ngga diinginkan. dan bener kan, even worse. ngga kebayang banget oma bakal jadi kaya gitu. you turned out to be someone I've never thought you're my grandma. sedih banget sih liatnya, ngga tega, sampe kadang ade ngerasa ikhlas aja seketika kalo oma pergi. because I know you're suffering, I mean it. oma itu dulu kuat banget, bersemangat, ngelakuin semuanya sendiri, aktif, bahkan waktu udah susah jalan juga oma masih usaha buat ngelakuin semuanya sendiri, dan utuk ngeliat oma ngga bisa ngapa-ngapain gitu, bahkan untuk bangun aja susah, it hurts so much. makanya, saat baca sms ibu bangun tidur tadi kalo oma udah ngga ada, di satu sisi ade lega banget, karna oma udah bebas dari siksaan itu, tapi di satu sisi, ade sedih banget karna I WASN'T THERE, NOT EVEN FOR THE FUNERAL, I WASN'T THERE.
I know I have to let go, and I did. but it's just too sad, nothing more I could say, rest in peace oma, you know we love you, and we're all gonna pray for you in heaven. goodbye grandma, see you later.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

weirdo

I've been away for life in the last couple of days, busy doing my tasks, busy taking care of my boyfriend cause I don't think he could take care of himself when I'm not around (joking), I said no to pretty much occasion I guess, lied to some people (sooorry), well I had a time with myself doing something for my future (I guess).

and now I feel weird, I do. when I went out, feels like I'm lost, I don't know what to do, don't know what I want, just go out, keep walking, having fun, and you know, wasting time and money.
I know I need to go out with more people next time, have a good time, chill, whatever, having social life, that's all I need, I supposed.

mystery of life (whaaat?)

I wanted my life to be exactly like the way I planned it.
not really exactly, it's okay, but at least close.
cause it feels better when you get what you want.
so it used to be obvious that I was pretty ambitious.

but you know, life goes on, you met bunch of new people you never thought you would know..
and it's changed you somehow (just a bit, thank God)
I feel happier today, it's true.
but do I feel afraid? hell yeah, even more.
cause the thing is, I'm getting older, I can see my life clearer now,
and I realize that I got a big scary world to deal with in the next couple years.
does it freak you out? hell yeah, it does.

but still, I feel curious instead.
what would I be, with whom, would I be rich or poor, would I be great or mess, would I be the way I wanted myself to be or I'd be such a whore?
fine, just see what'll happen, like a mystery.

funny :D

now, I don't understand why I used to take love as a serious thing in my life.
I used to take it like, I want it the way I planned it.
when now I finally realized that you don't have to plan anything about it.
well, just do it, when you think you'll gonna like it, then think later.
cause it's like a mystery,  you'll find out what will happen as you go through it.

I don't know how it looks for other people, but I do see it that way.
I didn't take it as something I use to be focus on, I didn't even think about it.
but it's just like, once you think you feel it, then it'll make you feel incredible! lol
I know it may sounds funny, but I don't think I have any other words to explain.

I'm not the type who's gonna drawn in it, but I really think, yess I do really think,
that I'll like it, I will love it, I mean, someday I'll take it as a part of me,
as something I will love to do, as something I probably wanted for such a long time a go.

and you know what, in some point in me, I just can't hardly wait for it *screaming* lol