Sunday, December 22, 2013

Life in Russia #4; Happiness in Fat.

My mood flipped really fast these past couple of days (well, it always has), and when it gets high, one of the things I want the most is food. I mean, who doesn't? When you're having a good mood, then let's grab a bite! Especially when your jeans and clothes feel bigger, what a happy day, huh?!

After almost 3 months, I finally miss my home; my room, my bed, my car, my family (especially), friends, miss the hugs before bed-time, the laughs, the long quality talk, everything. It feels like I have to simmer down for a minute and realise that I won't enjoy those stuff for three years, and I don't think after three years I can still enjoy those. Things must have changed a lot in three years, and I don't want to be the person I was, I want to be better in many positive ways. And like it always has, I think God made the right decision by making me a human so that I could think about what matters and what doesn't, what is worth it and what is useless, I know exactly that I will miss this place so much once I get back to my home, so I try to enjoy my time here more, it's a good place to live though, people are nice (besides the guys, they can be so annoying most of the times, so I go with the girls, even though I don't know them much, but I got plenty of close friends here and they're really nice, so I'm pretty much cool with it).

So last Saturday night, December 21st 2013, I decided to have a Saturday-night-dinner-date. None loves to eat alone, you always need a company to be fat, why would you be fat alone anyway? And since none of us knew any other good place to eat, we just went to the nearest pizza cafe (see, more reasons to miss my hometown; I know a lot of good place to eat back then). I wasn't really hungry, cause I ate a huge amounts of calories from a cake I bought before, it was really sweet but I like the one I bought a couple of days before better, but well you still need to try everything to know which one is best though, so doesn't matter. I hadn't eaten anything the whole day, cause I prepared my stomach for that night, I prepared myself to eat a lot. The thing is, I get hungry all the time but when it's time for me to eat, I couldn't eat as much as I wanted before, I got full so easily, which was a good thing sometimes but not exactly what I wanted. So I need to prepare myself, starve myself so I can eat more, I did and succeeded. Way to go Astrina!

It was probably too much for dinner and the fact that we still have to walk to get home in a cold December in Russia sounds a little bit too much for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with walking, I enjoy walking here, but not with a stomach full of pizza and cakes, at 9 pm.

I know it sounds like a simple night. You may say that I'm exaggerating here, but I love my Saturday-dinner-date-night. Maybe I read too many books, I watched to many dramas, too many articles, but all of those told me to be happy in the simplest kind of ways, and I do love my simple way to make myself happy. Like none knows yourself better than yourself, so that means you're the first person on earth who can make yourself happy cause you know what you want and what to do with it. I forgot where did I get this line, but I remember it says "when you feel like you're having a rough day, just do whatever you want that makes you happy, as long as it's a good thing and doesn't hurt other people, you're free to do it. But make sure it's a good thing and you won't hurt others, cause what's the meaning of your own happiness if others are hurt because of you?" And of course, it'll be better if I can be happy together.

The thing is; I miss being happy together, but sometimes people just can't see that the one thing or the one person that can makes us happy is actually sitting right in front of us.

So stay happy Astrina, you know happiness lies within the universe.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Life in Russia #3; Anxiety.

The thing about working hard, focusing too much on your dream, and dealing with your never ending anxiety. I always had this dream, about how can I do everything on my own. Being an independent woman was easy back then, cause Daddy got your back. But time goes by, you're getting older and life gets rough. In some point in life, there's nothing else you need except courage.

It's been two months, it honestly felt like a blink of an eye. Yes, I'm using past tense. Cause I just realised I'm million miles away from home, I'm so faraway from the most precious people in my life whom I could never live without; my family. I know, I spent my high school and college alone, but they were always around, they always had people to made me feel secure cause they knew that I always had a problem with my insecurity. I remember having this one talk with my friend three years ago when he asked "what's your wildest dream?" and my answer was "I kinda want to be poor, I want to know the joy when other people do some good little deeds to me, I just want to appreciate my life better", he closed the discussion by saying "be careful of what you wish for." I was laughing but also hoping that I could take my words back, but I couldn't. You know the thing about life is that human will never know what they have until it's gone, they never know what is amazing until they've been through worst. I will never know how incredible my life was until I've been through something entirely different and devastating, I know I'm just being human.

And like it always has, there must be something to learn.

I watched a movie trailer a couple of days ago it's called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, it says "Life is about courage and go into the unknown". And I did it, cause due to the movie I have to go out of my comfort zone in order to find what I've been looking for in life, it's not gonna be easy -not at all, not in so many ways possible- but at the end I know it is going to be worth it, I just have to be patience, fight the battle, focus, and the hardest things are; believe in myself and be brave.

I need to simmer down and remember that all the strength that God has given me will leads me to where I want to be in the future, and I never ask Him for this to be easy, I only ask Him for this to be worth it. I know there will be a lot more lessons for me to learn in the future, and this anxiety will always be there doing its job. And all I can do is to put up all the strength I have to meet the courage and fight the next battle. Good luck Astrina!

Monday, December 2, 2013

Life in Russia #2; Coldest Picnic.

December is here, and we all knew that days are getting colder and colder. This December should have been one of the best December in my life if I didn't come to Russia, but since I'm in Russia now.. I have to say that this might be the best December for the past 23 years.

Oh yes, I'm turning twenty fucking three this month.
Definitely not a pleasant surprise.

So in order to make this month feels special, I would like to start it special; different. I don't really enjoy the cold weather here, cause I have to stuck in my room doing boring things I've been doing these past 2 months. And then one night I watched a movie called "drinking buddies" where all they do everyday is just drinking beer and eating sandwich, so I go with the sandwich, a park, apple juice (stop judging, I know what I'm saying), and a company (of course, why would I have a picnic alone?). It was Sunday and -2 when I woke up, then I had breakfast and headed to a store close to my dorm (still wearing my pyjamas, plus I wore the jeans+jumper+coat+boots). It's kinda funny that he woke up earlier than I did, cause I used to wake up everyday at seven but this new room is kinda taking my life to a whole new level of laziness, so I woke up at 8.30 that day. But that's fine, we both ended up late (cause he fell asleep after he texted me a good morning).
Right after we finished our morning grocery shopping, we headed back to dorm and getting ready for the freezing picnic on December 1st. When all were packed, we left at around 1pm, it was 2degrees and you can feel the cold to your bones (seriously). I was really hungry, I didn't know about him, all I know is that he smells really good that day (probably because he decided to take a shower after days off of the water when I.. well I took a shower the night before, so I'm pretty sure I smell good). Then we arrived at the park after about 15 minutes in a car where I had to listen to some kind of random guy who played his music without a headset, he should have known that he doesn't have a really good taste of music that he should share it to the rest of the strangers around him. But it's funny though, he gave a tiny Santa doll to a cute girl who happened to sit next to me. So his strange behaviour in some point is still acceptable.

We took a short walk to the park, until we found a good place to eat where not much people would pass us and see how strange these kids are to have a picnic in December (but you know what? in some point I just don't care). I have committed to not drinking too much sugar since my family has a long history of diabetes, but let just say that day was an exception, so we had ourselves an average cup of apple juice and enjoy the sandwich I made. I've never been proud of whatever I did in the kitchen, every time I made a meal to someone the only thing I need to hear was that it doesn't taste bad, and that's enough. And that day, he said my sandwich tasted good, so that was it, I'm glad I didn't ruin our cold picnic.

I couldn't tell whether he really enjoyed the food or not, but he finished them four, so I was cool. We sit there for quite awhile, well he did and I didn't, cause it was too cold for me to just sit around and talk, I'd rather walk back and forth in front of him.

When days were getting really cold in the park, we decided to walk and act like a tourist who took a picture in every good place we passed. That was funny, as if we were about to get home tomorrow, but we always do. But I don't know, I always like the idea of taking picture in every good sight in front of me, sometimes I just think that they will never look the same again tomorrow so that I have to capture it now. But I have this problem with my eyes; cylinder, which I will never be able to see something straight again, makes those pictures I took look terrible, so frustrating.

Anyway, I had a good time back then, and I would love to have another picnic with (of course) much better food when the winter is over. No matter how cold this December will be, at least I started it good, and I hope there will be more good things to come.
So don't be too hard on me December, I hope by the time I reach January, I will no longer stuck with this language I am using now and start with the new local language from the place I am living in for the next three years.