Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Life in Russia #6: Complains

I spent my early May on a trip, one to Krasnodar and one to Volgograd. I've been to Volgograd once, but since I wanted to celebrate the 9th of May on a place where Russian won the World War 2, so I decided to go there once again, I got plenty of lovely friends there tho. The trip was nice, I know I've said this enough, but I learned a lot that I just can't have it all good at the same time. And one thing for sure, people are not always nice, especially when you're not at home.

We all know that it's not always nice to live abroad, being so far away from home and living in a completely different environment can really make you sick! Like seriously, I mean it. I always say to Farah about how funny it is to talk about people who are sitting right in front of us and they just have no idea what we're talking about, cause they just don't understand our language. But when the table has turned and it turns out we know what they're talking about, all of those shits they said about us. I don't know, but in some points I think people can be so stupid when they're talking to us with their language but then they called us stupid right in front of our face and pretending like we had no idea what they're talking about. Those are craps, seriously.

There's a lot of funny things about living abroad. One of them is about being attractive. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm attractive, cause I'm absolutely not and I don't even care. But to have a neighbour who has a Russian friend who keeps coming back to my room without an invitation is quite annoying. Especially when I have no idea who they are. Totally pain in the ass.
I was afraid at first, but then I talked to Garik and he told me that if I could take control of my fear this time and taking over my anxiety, it'll mean more than my master degree, it'll affect my whole life forever. And I trust him, sometimes I trust his words more than I trust mine. So when at first these guys scared me as hell, ever since he told me that, I've changed quite a lot, and I am just so ready to kick their ass out of my room whenever they come by, and it brings me pleasure, I'm proud of myself this time.

And in some points I wish I could do something more than just writing, I wish I could actually do something. I miss to be at home, I miss to be in an environment where I know where to go when I feel lonely, when I feel sad, when I want to be alone but surrounded by so many unknown people but still feel safe, I miss to feel needed, I miss driving alone in my car with my fav music, I miss having a conversation with my friends until 3 am in a cheap coffee shop, I miss my family, my Mom's cooking, family's dinner, fall asleep in someone's arms and wake up alone, I just miss to be home.

But I enjoy my life here. I spent about 26 hours in a bus back then, it wasn't pleasant, but I learned a lot from what I saw through that bus' window. I know I have long dreamt to be in my position right now, I have longed for this opportunity, even though at first living here made me kind of confuse cause I could hardly figure out what was exactly I really want about being here, but then I talked to some close friends and my parents, and I knew, I always have known and I will always know what I really want for my life and the reason why I am here. It's just I doubt myself too much.
Anyway, through that windows I saw things I could only see on tv years ago. And I remembered exactly how it made me feel to see the sunset at the end of the meadow. I was always surrounded by trees, and it felt like I don't mind to change, I'm honestly happy to realise that now I live in a completely different environment cause I know that was what I always wanted in life, it felt like all of those stupid questions have been solved.

I feel like God keeps giving me questions I could only answer myself, I should only experience things myself. I still don't know what's His plans for me, and I don't think I ever will, but I hope I'll be better each day, I hope I'll be tough enough to fight every single battle in front of me, I hope I'll be brave enough to prove myself that this has been the best decision for my future to be here for 3 years or at least I know I'm doing something that will change my life forever, and for that I should thank Him.

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