Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Unspoken Teacher

Today, I got another life lesson from a regular lunch time in Astrakhan.

We had another lunch in our fav cafe today. While we were enjoying our meal, came an old woman who happened to be a beggar. I couldn't tell what did she say to the lady behind the cashier nor to the waitress, I wasn't sure either whether she was ordering something or asking for food, even though those were the same things, but you know the difference. And after that small talk, she pulled the chair in front of cashier and had a sit. I wasn't sure what she was doing at first,  cause she completely doesn't look like someone who can afford eating in that place (no offense). At first I already had a thought that she was a beggar, but why is she doing here? Asking for food, just that? Is it a common thing in Russia for a beggar to just get in into a cafe and ask for a food and sit on a costumer chair? That sounds so unusual, especially in Indonesia (I mean the majority of big cafe). Until a young guy passed her and gave her some money, I started to be even more certain that she is a beggar.
While she was waiting for her food to come, she was preparing her tiny plastic bag for her food. And when it arrived, she put it in there and slowly made her way out. And when she reached the door, it was probably too heavy for her to bear, therefore she asked the cashier once again to help her open the door but none of the waitress seemed to be available, so I asked Gading to help her open the door, then she made her way out.

Sometime I wonder about God's plans for me. I don't know why should I be so sensitive about what's going on around me. But the more I ask myself the more I embrace it, cause every time I start to complain about my incredible life, then I look around and I found myself being in a really good environment with so many amazing examples that can make me a better person each day. I met a lot of strangers that made me think about a better day of my every day in the future, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
For whoever you are whom I met today, thank you for being an unspoken teacher for me today.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Life in Russia #7: A Good Day To Stay Sane

Today was a good day; a bit windy, the sun shone like it has to be on summer, and the most important part was that not too many insects on the street cause I'm getting so frustrated with them. So my boyfriend and I decided to take an afternoon walk and had a little lunch in our fav cafe, though I already had my lunch, he always has his own way to make me eat. But I like it anyway.

We didn't sit on our fav table, it was taken. So we sat on a table next to the door, not long after that came an old woman (well, old enough that makes it hard for her to stand up straight) sitting right next to us and she was having lunch on her own. Makes me want to cry cause it reminds me of Oma.
I just couldn't help myself but not to take too many glances on her. I was putting my eyes on her all the time hoping she won't recognise or being annoyed by my appearance in that tiny space. She was eating slow, I heard once when she called the waitress and it was probably the lowest voice I have ever heard people talking in Russia. I barely heard what she was saying. And it almost made me want to cry. I miss Oma even more.
As she finished her lunch, she made a slow moves to stand up and as I watched her out, I saw her taking a маршру́тка, alone. She opened the door herself, made a slow move to get in, and gone. I would love to know more about people like her, I would love to spend the rest of my life being such a lovely companion for an old person who has almost none left to accompany them for their meal-time. Cause they always remind me of Oma (who passed away 3 years ago, and I don't think I spent enough time with her, I don't think I accompanied her enough). My parents, who someday will be so old and I just don't want them to feel alone, and I'm afraid I will make them feel that way cause I don't seem to have enough time to be around.
I know that's why we need to leave home sometime, even just for lunch.

After we finished our lunch, we took a short walk to our fav park. And it turned out that we were not the only one who thought today was a good day to be outside, all of the benches were taken and only two left. Since we had no plan to get our skin tanned, we only stayed there for not more than 10 minutes until we decided to take another маршру́тка to Во́лга.

It was quite a lovely day almost for like everyone who lives in Astrakhan, so Volga was full of people, in Thursday. We had a sit on a first bench that caught our eyes and started to enjoy the wind and the cute view in front of our eyes, by cute I mean there were a lot of families who brought their cute children to hang around the park and I was pleased to be there to enjoy their enjoyment, once again.
And again, there was an old man sitting next to our bench trying to enjoy the same thing as we do. He puts some papers out of his bag and tries to read them. He also tried to strengthen his legs as the picnic-train passed us.

It was about 8 pm when we finally decided to go home. Along the path, we saw an old couple who were hanging around with their grandson and the pops was encouraging the baby to run faster and catch the picnic-train. I could tell he was about 1,5 or 2. And it was funny to see him run. And it was lovely to see families having a good time together.

I had a great day. You know it feels hard to stay sane when you feel like you can't put yourself together when things started to falling apart around you. I honestly need someone to make me feel calm, I need a warm hug, and I need to see beauty, to make me feel alive again.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Tell Me How to Deal With Goodbyes

No, I won't complain. I'm just sad.

This morning I woke up with another sad news from my mom. Her best friend who is also our good neighbour in Jakarta passed away this morning. It didn't take long since she found out that she had a breast cancer and the doctors were givin' up too soon. It was really sad to lose a really good person who happens to be your mom's best friend. Our home in Jakarta won't ever be the same again without her.

A couple of days ago I posted a status on my facebook that said how goodbye still makes me want to cry. I don't know, I just think that no matter how much I've tried to deal with my grief, I just can't help it, I just can't help myself not to think too much about it. The idea of saying goodbye, whether it is temporary or forever is kind of devastating for me. How could you be so calm when you have to imagine the fact that there's almost no possibility for you to meet this person again in the future, or let just say forever. Like really, how? How could you go on with your life like nothing really matters just happened in your life? And I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to hold my tears for more than 5 minutes after I heard the sad or bad news.

I was reminiscing all of those beautiful moments I had in Jakarta, my childhood was funny, and I think so was everyone. Those great times are worth remembering. I left Jakarta when I was 17, city where I grew up that I'm not really proud of today. And every time I came to Jakarta, I have never really felt I grew older ever since, Jakarta has always made me feel like a teenager. My house has always been so small since I moved out, all of my neighbours stayed exactly the same like they were about ten years ago, when I knew they were not. I want to grow old, but if by growing older means that everyone around you has to grow older as I do, I don't think I'll enjoy it, I don't think I will enjoy my life in the future if I have to lose all of the people I love in the past. It must be hard, it even sounds impossible for me now.

My dad always told me to stay positive, for whatever happen in my life, he said I just have to put myself back together and think about the positive thoughts. And it always worked to make me feel better. But not now.