No, I won't complain. I'm just sad.
This morning I woke up with another sad news from my mom. Her best friend who is also our good neighbour in Jakarta passed away this morning. It didn't take long since she found out that she had a breast cancer and the doctors were givin' up too soon. It was really sad to lose a really good person who happens to be your mom's best friend. Our home in Jakarta won't ever be the same again without her.
A couple of days ago I posted a status on my facebook that said how goodbye still makes me want to cry. I don't know, I just think that no matter how much I've tried to deal with my grief, I just can't help it, I just can't help myself not to think too much about it. The idea of saying goodbye, whether it is temporary or forever is kind of devastating for me. How could you be so calm when you have to imagine the fact that there's almost no possibility for you to meet this person again in the future, or let just say forever. Like really, how? How could you go on with your life like nothing really matters just happened in your life? And I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to hold my tears for more than 5 minutes after I heard the sad or bad news.
I was reminiscing all of those beautiful moments I had in Jakarta, my childhood was funny, and I think so was everyone. Those great times are worth remembering. I left Jakarta when I was 17, city where I grew up that I'm not really proud of today. And every time I came to Jakarta, I have never really felt I grew older ever since, Jakarta has always made me feel like a teenager. My house has always been so small since I moved out, all of my neighbours stayed exactly the same like they were about ten years ago, when I knew they were not. I want to grow old, but if by growing older means that everyone around you has to grow older as I do, I don't think I'll enjoy it, I don't think I will enjoy my life in the future if I have to lose all of the people I love in the past. It must be hard, it even sounds impossible for me now.
My dad always told me to stay positive, for whatever happen in my life, he said I just have to put myself back together and think about the positive thoughts. And it always worked to make me feel better. But not now.