“I’m in the ruins too."

Today was long, and didn’t go quite like how I planned it. Oh but really, like it ever did. I’ve been listening to Snow Patrol’s new album Wildness lately. I love it! It’s like going back to the old Chasing Cars era again. Been stuck with What If This Is All the Love You Ever Get? And it breaks my heart a little. I really love the idea of making a music video in the middle of the ocean, playing sad heartbreaking song as if it was possible to change the past.

It was Friday night, I was lying on my brother’s bed listening to some music from youtube. As I lied down, I was suddenly reminded of some old songs written about me. You know who you are, and I know you know what I’m talking about.

I still remember vividly how people used to make fun of me through those songs and the countless poetries that followed. I remember I had become one heartless bitch by yelling at him for doing so. While honestly, I loved the poetries, and although I don’t really like all the songs, but I loved the lyrics, he knew I did, and I still do. Some people just know how fond I am of beautiful words, and he happens to become the few who know it best - as he wrote me often. I keep all the letters, the emails, the simple tiny silly notes everyone gave me, because beautiful words are too worthy to be thrown away and forgotten in a day. However, the love ended, and it’s okay. There are not much that I regret in my life, but if I could turn back time, I honestly think it would be fair for me to tell him how much I love his writings, although I think I did say it once or two in the past. Above all, how beautiful it was for him to be honest with his works.

Ego. Beyonce even put it into a song!

I was recently told in a serious manner to simply control my ego. Am I that bad? I wonder. Whether or not I am, for me it was a fair judgement, and a good advice, both at the same time, or else, all the time. Who has never lost themselves in their own ego? The selfishness in us that tells us to keep winning, to keep these eyes blind folded, and the ears closed. We are stuck in our own defence system. Who are we? Why should we always be right? I certainly see no flaws in advices, yet I see the flaws in me. I let my ego took control of the love I had grown so deeply, in the face of public humiliation that put me as a symbol of love cruelty. I simply forgot the absence of control we have towards other’s feelings, those who maybe can’t hide the pain within, compare to those who are in pain yet could easily pretend like it’s nothing. We shall not measure the agony of ones pain through the life ones had never had the chance to live.

As the lyrics go..
I’m in the ruins too.
I know the wreckage so well."


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