The Year of Insignificance; Welcome Back!
"Buddha teaches us the art of cheerful despair."
I came across the line above few days ago I don't remember where, but it must have been from one of the Stoic's books or articles I've been reading these past months.
I've been blogging since forever until one day I decided to quit, simply because everything about my life had gotten so personal and I didn't think I was ready to meet the possibility of having people talk to me like;
"Hey, I read your blog the other day, I'm sorry for what happened."
It happened several times in the past, and I finally said to myself - No, you can't do this anymore. People need to talk to me personally to know what happened with my life, with me. I realized that I tend to get too overwhelmed by the idea of writing out my feelings, so that quit writing publicly sounded like a good idea back then. Otherwise, I would had gone mad thinking about how detached I could become with myself. But it was then, not far from that day I have grown a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a little more attached, though not completely, with myself. And look - here I am again!
It's been almost three years since my departure. Coming back to the old home - what a humbling experience to have so many homes, knowing that the world is big and we are small. Still try to keep my conscience awake, in order to avoid being a working robot among the beauty life has given me. I want to feel alive.
Where am I? I am this cat napping on a hot roof, in one windy afternoon - I dream of coming back, enjoying the sunset on the river, reminiscing my most favourite sight.
As I stare at this screen, I remember the question I carry wherever I go; Can't we just enjoy what we have now when we have it? I know, I've been asking too many questions in a world that has gone deaf. But what good can life do if it's not to answer the things that matter? I wonder. So, can we? There are some certainties we know about the future, and one of them is death. What will happen before that, is what-we-don't-know. Sometimes, I got so done with anything mundane, anything familiar with earthly talking. I came home exhausted after spending all days with people - and that's when I think about tomorrow's uncertainties, will it be like this again? Putting on some poker face so that I can be judged as one familiar being, simply for being social and normal. While most of the times, the world becomes more like, I got this from my favourite movie (Mr. Morgan's Last Love), an unwelcome distraction. They are the crowd that clouds our vision.
"Is my now going to be like this, forever? Feeling so detached from the self I left in the crowd?"
Perhaps, Buddha was right, we just have yet to master the art of living, the art of bridging the joy and the agony we are all given to this one life.
Welcome back, clumsy clown!