Where Are We?

My heart feels heavy tonight. Today I shared a lecture with my fav lecturer when I was in undergrad, and he said 'not to belittle ones choices of ending their life, but to die is easy, to live is so damn hard!' His voice echos in my head, am I a loser? I often wonder what have I done right to deserve this luck, yet at the same time I wonder far could I fly if I didn't have this luck. Comfort can be deceiving, but I stick with it anyway - not because I can't go elsewhere, but because I'm too afraid to escape the comfort. I haven't answered your mom's email, it still breaks my heart to remember all the stories you shared about her. I wish I could hug her. Before, I hated the word 'regret' as for me it sounded sinful. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was arrogant, but I planned my whole life to be who I was and somehow I got no regret. At least it took me awhile to answer such question. But now, there are plenty of stuff I regret not doing in the past ...

I got my first email from your mother this morning. It was so unexpected. I got tons of deadlines this month, and this week was one of the worsts. As crazy as it sounds, I couldn't be more grateful with my workloads. It keeps me stay sane, it has  slowly brought back my consciousness to this life. I was in a really dark place last month, and now, despite all the time I spent working, I could strangely feel the emotion that makes me feel like a human; missing you makes me want to cry, talking about the future without knowing your opinion about it makes me want to cry, thinking about applying to school in the State without you in it makes me want to cry, and to think about having serious relationship again.. I don't know, somehow I just don't know how to do it. I was recently told to apply for a PhD program, and the first intake will start on February next year. I thought it was crazy to start that early, I wasn't ready and I still am not ready. I still don't ...