Where Are We?

Oh well, this year has been unbearable. It's crazy how it feels like in a year so many things happened, but I don't remember much of it. If I should recall my 2019, then it would have been meeting a lot of new people, traveled to places, partying and drinking like a madman again, shopping like tomorrow doesn't exist, feeling so detached with my feeling which kinda make it all feel like a passing train instead of a transit in life; I know that they happened, but I clearly don't remember the feeling when it did happen, so I sort of question myself every now and then, were those even real? I think ' have I really known myself? ' is the most appropriate question to ask myself at the end of this year. I thought I knew me, you know.. it's been a long time since I asked who am I exactly?; what do I want?; do I want certainty over stability, or they can both go hand in hand?; am I happy with my life, and what does happiness even mean?  Since I began working...

It was April 19, 2016. Almost summer in Russia, yet still a bit chilly. I imagined myself being so stress with my thesis, my supervisor, but mostly with my Russian that had not improved in two and a half year. I was so frustrated, I felt so dumb, yet I had not felt numb yet. I still felt I had hope, future is something I was so excited about - though uncertain but at least I could cope. It was probably the beginning of my self destruction in years followed, something I had no idea what it was until 2019. I am sitting at the airport in West Sumatra right now, waiting for the gate to be opened. It was meant to be four days vacation but I decided on my third day to check my revision and finished it right away. I feel somehow fulfilled when I finish a task, silly me, I let my job defines who I am. On my way to the airport I was trying to find the letter you wrote me about hope, about having a hope. I felt the urge to read it as recently I found my purpose again in life, and by findi...

As we rush toward the end of December, I so cannot wait to make my year-end note as it feels like I've gone through a lot this year - not only me, but many people around me. The year 2019 has taught me most about how to lose touch with myself, and learned that maybe.. I've always been a stranger to myself. I just turned 29 recently. Despite all of the horrible things attached to the idea of getting old, I am honestly so excited about turning 30 next year! I hate the fact that I will look old and unattractive in a way that most women hate, but shit! I like the wisdom that comes with age, and how fortunate are those who get wiser as they get older. My 28th year was.. well, as you already know - awful. Losing Garik has taught me that maybe, all this time, I never really knew myself. The only thing that haunts me most about losing him is the fact that I can no longer get into his mind, and it kills me! I always need his opinion about things that matter to me. I wouldn't le...