Where Are We?

So, this is my second post under the same title and we are four days away from new year. To be honest, it feels so strange leaving this year. Mostly cause I don't feel like I've lived it enough, and neither do any of us, I think. But it is what it is, twenty twenty is ending. I don't know if I should be grateful, as if my gratitude would make any difference. I look forward to see what twenty twenty one has to offer but I also have mixed feelings considering how gloomy twenty twenty has left us feel. I am in Jakarta right now. Yep, another homecoming to celebrate my mom's bday on Christmas. It's been almost a week now and I'm still working. Yes, you're right, I'm not taking any leave. Well, truth be told, I feel bad for coming home, again this year, as I got to leave my team working alone without me. Though on the one hand I think it's a good exercise for them, but on the other hand, I think that I should've been there for them though I know they...

Oh hi, I just turned thirty last week. I know right?! It's frustrating, how can I suddenly be thirty? It was a happy day. I booked a hotel room and spent a night with my closest friends. I planned on staying up late but I got too tired that I fell asleep at 9pm. So there was neither making wishes nor blew the candle. I turned thirty in my dream and when I woke up, I already was thirty and was officially older than Garik. Someone asked me recently about my thoughts of turning thirty. I haven't thought about it but I definitely will write a long email to him explaining how thirty has been treating me. Now that I think about it, well.. I think it's humbling and sad. I certainly feel a lot more mature now than I have ever been, but at the same time I terribly miss Garik even more than I have ever felt. I miss my days in Russia; the Christmas dinner, the winter stroll, the chilly weather, being the stranger nobody wished to meet, I miss coming home to talk to him, I miss waking ...

So, I have this favourite place I've been visiting since I was in college. It takes about 10 minutes drive from home. It is called Lotus Mio , Pak Rudi introduced me to this place when I was still volunteering at Kolong Tangga. I remember he bought me ice cream one afternoon when we were busy preparing for the Pameran Celengan  in Benteng Vredeburg. Writing this, I try to remember when exactly was the Pameran Celengan, and guess what! It was ten years ago, you can check it here https://www.antaranews.com/berita/228394/museum-anak-kolong-tangga-gelar-pameran-celengan. A lot have happened since that day, Lotus Mio looks a bit different these days, but thankfully, they still serve my favourite mint chocolate chip ice cream and apple pie that I love so much. When I drove through Tirtodipuran this noon, I remembered about Dana, Garik, and Pak Rudi who just passed away recently. Dana passed away in August, 2018; while Garik departed from this earth in May, 2019; Pak Rudi left us all last...

It's been four months since I came here and a lot have happened, yet still.. happy days are the hardest. I actually came here often, I've been putting out so many words but then I got lost in the middle and quit. It's hard to read your mind when you still don't know which piece is missing. And you know what? I got the scholarship! I'm halfway to get to the place he had always been, the place he often asked me to visit and only when he's no longer there that I'm about to make it. Now, you see how frustrating it makes me. I remember seven years ago when he emailed me telling that he got the scholarship and he's coming back. A few days after I also got an email saying I got that Russian scholarship. I didn't have the guts tell him on email, instead I told him when we talked. On the letter he gave me before my departure, he wrote me I have missed you in America, now I am going to miss you in Indonesia . It just seems impossible to write anything without ...

May 8, 2019. It was Wednesday last year, I remember vividly I was teaching my first class of the day when Garik texted me asking if I had time that day to talk to him. I told him that I'd be fully occupied til 12pm, but I'd be around at lunch time. He said he had to go to bed early, so long story short, we didn't talk that day. Little did I know, that was the last message he ever sent me. It's been a year since. My body still aches remembering that day, the more I think about it, the more I regret. I'm still trying to figure out what had happened last year, I often found myself scrolling my gallery just trying to figure out the feelings I had in 2019. Nothing. I saw glimpses, soulless encounters, empty moments, did I lose myself last year? I don't know. Love is simply the hardest thing to do, and once it's found, it becomes the hardest thing to forget. How funny, I used to be so cynical about it but look at myself now, have never been more miserable. ...

Oh hi, I honestly have not much in mind but I feel like writing something, so here I am. I just recently bought a new bike! Woohoo.. that was fun. I haven't ridden a bike since the end of 2016. My butt hurts, but I need to start moving my ass during this quarantine, otherwise by the time this is over I'd look like a pig. It feels weird to drive again after days using the bike as my main transport haha I know, that's too much.  I talked to Yenny the other day. It was 3,5 hours of deep conversation on the phone, something we rarely do. We talked about so many things; about how our best friend is the reflection of ourselves, about being honest, about letting go, acceptance, about catching opportunity, spending ramadan together as none of us could gather with our family, and stuff. But among all else, as one of those people who know me best, she gave me a clear advice about how to go on living, and about taking the control back while doing it. Yenny knows exactly...

In the midst of quarantine life, I managed to get a few drinks last Saturday night. The drinking outside part at times like this was funny, yet the aftermath was horrible. Next month marks a year of Garik's departure, and the memory of it haunts me every single day. My mind lingers around the only question of why did you leave me? If you've been following my blog, nothing else I talked about after he left but him. The life I have to live without him. It's strange, it's empty, and it makes me cry often. I've never got my heart broken before, I've been through several breakups and nothing felt closely like this. It was easier when you have to go to office, work to do, meeting people was hard at times but it mostly helped. They were an amazing distraction, at least you'd come home tired and got not much energy left but to eat some fruits, had a few talks, then go to bed. But not during quarantine like this, you have the whole time for yourself. I've ...

It feels like I just wrote the same title yesterday. I remember feeling so hopeful to meet 2020, new energy, new plans, was waiting for my article to be published, just got back from year-end holiday with my parents. Now it's been almost four months after that day, and here we are, all doomed. Just so you know, the world has recently been hit by the disastrous Coronavirus. It makes me want to cry just to mention its name. We're basically on lockdown, almost everywhere in the world. I honestly don't know how long this will last and it's making me really nervous just to think about it. I haven't gone to office for a month now? Yea, I think it's been a month. And it's killing me. I never thought I'd need my office this much. Now I know, I can't be unemployed, there's no way I would survive being jobless. And now, instead of fearing the virus, I get more frightened by my mental health. It's getting worse. Of course, what do you expect. I...

“One must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind him to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle - and a mystery.” Sharma, on The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari It was Garik's birthday three days ago. He would've turned 30 if he's still around. Not once I imagined I'd celebrate his birthday alone, not being able to say happy 30th birthday to him. Wishing is one thing, while reality is another. I was in Jakarta that day - in fact, I just got back last night. I was super busy preparing my school application that I canceled all the plans I made, typical me I thought I could finish em all pretty fast, forgetting how such a slow learner I've always been. Don't get me wrong, I knew that his birthday was coming and I'm grateful that I was fully occupied that day. Exactly the day before, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that I went to his engagement party, and he was still alive. Even in my dream, I thought it was a dream - you know the movie in...

Oh hi, I'm at the airport again but only this time, on my own. I don't remember when, but I really do embrace my own company after days being surrounded by people. I've been spending this past week in Bali, five days of working and two full days of relaxing - though I spent half of the day working. It's crazy how productive I could get during my days off. I think, ever since Garik died, I constantly need some cozy time alone with myself to think about everything that happened for at least the past week or so. The simple questions of how's life going so far; did I encounter happy moments; have I done anything worth it for my future; am I ready to love and be loved again; what kind of love that I want; you're broke! Haha, well that's the fact but I've never been more alive, at least since May 2019. One of the questions that has been lingered in my head since Garik died was 'am I gonna fall in love again?' I reckon that's a shallow ques...