Where Are We?

Oh well, this year has been unbearable. It's crazy how it feels like in a year so many things happened, but I don't remember much of it. If I should recall my 2019, then it would have been meeting a lot of new people, traveled to places, partying and drinking like a madman again, shopping like tomorrow doesn't exist, feeling so detached with my feeling which kinda make it all feel like a passing train instead of a transit in life; I know that they happened, but I clearly don't remember the feeling when it did happen, so I sort of question myself every now and then, were those even real? I think ' have I really known myself? ' is the most appropriate question to ask myself at the end of this year. I thought I knew me, you know.. it's been a long time since I asked who am I exactly?; what do I want?; do I want certainty over stability, or they can both go hand in hand?; am I happy with my life, and what does happiness even mean?  Since I began working...

It was April 19, 2016. Almost summer in Russia, yet still a bit chilly. I imagined myself being so stress with my thesis, my supervisor, but mostly with my Russian that had not improved in two and a half year. I was so frustrated, I felt so dumb, yet I had not felt numb yet. I still felt I had hope, future is something I was so excited about - though uncertain but at least I could cope. It was probably the beginning of my self destruction in years followed, something I had no idea what it was until 2019. I am sitting at the airport in West Sumatra right now, waiting for the gate to be opened. It was meant to be four days vacation but I decided on my third day to check my revision and finished it right away. I feel somehow fulfilled when I finish a task, silly me, I let my job defines who I am. On my way to the airport I was trying to find the letter you wrote me about hope, about having a hope. I felt the urge to read it as recently I found my purpose again in life, and by findi...

As we rush toward the end of December, I so cannot wait to make my year-end note as it feels like I've gone through a lot this year - not only me, but many people around me. The year 2019 has taught me most about how to lose touch with myself, and learned that maybe.. I've always been a stranger to myself. I just turned 29 recently. Despite all of the horrible things attached to the idea of getting old, I am honestly so excited about turning 30 next year! I hate the fact that I will look old and unattractive in a way that most women hate, but shit! I like the wisdom that comes with age, and how fortunate are those who get wiser as they get older. My 28th year was.. well, as you already know - awful. Losing Garik has taught me that maybe, all this time, I never really knew myself. The only thing that haunts me most about losing him is the fact that I can no longer get into his mind, and it kills me! I always need his opinion about things that matter to me. I wouldn't le...

My heart feels heavy tonight. Today I shared a lecture with my fav lecturer when I was in undergrad, and he said 'not to belittle ones choices of ending their life, but to die is easy, to live is so damn hard!' His voice echos in my head, am I a loser? I often wonder what have I done right to deserve this luck, yet at the same time I wonder far could I fly if I didn't have this luck. Comfort can be deceiving, but I stick with it anyway - not because I can't go elsewhere, but because I'm too afraid to escape the comfort. I haven't answered your mom's email, it still breaks my heart to remember all the stories you shared about her. I wish I could hug her. Before, I hated the word 'regret' as for me it sounded sinful. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was arrogant, but I planned my whole life to be who I was and somehow I got no regret. At least it took me awhile to answer such question. But now, there are plenty of stuff I regret not doing in the past ...

I got my first email from your mother this morning. It was so unexpected. I got tons of deadlines this month, and this week was one of the worsts. As crazy as it sounds, I couldn't be more grateful with my workloads. It keeps me stay sane, it has  slowly brought back my consciousness to this life. I was in a really dark place last month, and now, despite all the time I spent working, I could strangely feel the emotion that makes me feel like a human; missing you makes me want to cry, talking about the future without knowing your opinion about it makes me want to cry, thinking about applying to school in the State without you in it makes me want to cry, and to think about having serious relationship again.. I don't know, somehow I just don't know how to do it. I was recently told to apply for a PhD program, and the first intake will start on February next year. I thought it was crazy to start that early, I wasn't ready and I still am not ready. I still don't ...

I'm away from home again right now, another fieldwork - or let's just say, another attempt to getaway from life, though life follows me here as I'm here for work. But it's certainly better to stay at home and following the routine that drives me mad. I've been lost in touch with myself, probably, for these past two weeks. I feel so detached from myself and my emotion. It felt like I was floating sometimes, I felt weightless for not knowing where I was and my existence on this planet. I met plenty of new people, but they're like clouds. I've been having a hard time with my memory, I keep forgetting things; places I've been, things I did, people I met, conversation we had, and the feelings I thought I felt. It reached its fucking peak last weekend. I didn't even know what happened but I died inside. My head froze, or worse, it constantly telling me to end this all. Not only did I feel the dark cloud hanging in my head, but everything about life be...

It's been almost five months since, and I've been having a hard time staying awake again lately. I easily get sick, which is so weird. I eat healthy food, drink enough water, I have enough sleep, exercise regularly, and keep my routine on track, and here I am -  catching flu for over a week. Weak! This year did not even come close to what I imagined or planned, it would be. To be honest, now I don't remember what I wanted anymore, and now it's October already. The year 2020 is coming in three months, and if you're still here, you'll be 30 in five months; and if you're still here, I wouldn't stop talking about how exciting it is for us to turn thirty! How much we're grown, what we've accomplished, and what's next for the future. I think it was fun to talk about the future before, to make plans and give clarity to the life you had made peace with, and I have been trying to escape. But it is not fun to talk about the future now, I don't...

Pauline Laubie: Why did you stop loving life? Matthew Morgan: Well, you don't love life itself. You love, uh, places, animals, people, memories, food, literature, music. And sometimes you meet someone... who requires all the love you have to give. And if you lose that someone, you think everything else is gonna stop too. But everything else just keeps on going. Giraudoux said, you can miss a single being, even though you are surrounded by countless others. Those people are like... like extras. They cloud your vision, they're a meaningless crowd. They... They're an unwelcome distraction. So you seek oblivion in solitude. But solitude only makes you wither. Those are my favourite lines from one of my favourite movies called Last Love . And that picture above is Matthew and Pauline, the two main characters in the movie. Matthew lost his wife a few years back, and he began to stop loving life since. One day he met Pauline on a bus, and the...

Even in some nights I can't see you in the dark, tonight I decided to turn off the light. Meeting people now is different, I just feel detached instantly. I am not talking about opposite sex, I am talking about people in general. Though I have some close friends, but I think I only have Yenny as the one who knows me best. She's like my other self, it doesn't take much time to define the situation even when we don't always agree on everything, we probably share the same rationality for a lot of things in life. Yenny and I lived under the same roof for quite some times in the past. She witnessed many young  behaviour I tried to hide from my parents, obviously. Haha. There are simply so many things I am grateful about meeting her. She was my first friend in college. That day I left my phone at home and I needed a phone to call my brother to bring it to campus for me, so I asked her. I simply had no friends back then and my friends did not make it easier either t...

Oh, hi there! It's actually been fifteen minutes since I wrote the title,  and I still pretty much have no idea what to write on this page. Where am I? That's the question I ask myself almost everyday. I am in Jakarta right now, geographically. I just finished lunch with my old time college friend who works around here (Cikini), who just finished her master last year in Singapore, and who just told me she's getting another job in ASEAN next month. I'm happy for her, she deserves better. Not that her current job is not good enough but she's been there for 5 goddamn years and still no signal for permanent position. So, the concept of having another job with better experience and better money definitely make more sense. Or maybe, above all, I'm happy for her because she knows where she's going and life excites her more than it does to me. Around a week before I left to Jakarta, I finally decided to see a doctor. It was quite possibly the ...