Where Are We?

 I was in the shower this afternoon listening to my Birdy playlist, and her song Terrible Love  came into play. The lyrics always ring in my head:  it takes an ocean not to break . I don't know why, I cried. It's incredible how much failure can teach me about life. It has been a while since I've come back here. It may be because I have an additional human diary now. Having David in my life still is so beautiful. I still can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. This feels like the most incredible blessing after having my family, friends, and people who love me. Returning to the shower this afternoon, I realized how messy and cruel my mind had been to myself. I couldn't appreciate my triumph and always replaced it with harsh judgment and disappointment toward myself. Of course, until I finally failed, I knew what true disappointment really was. This took me back to those days in Russia. The moment somebody told me that I was not good enough, didn't read enough, and...

"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared to our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate" (Thoreau, in Walden, 1854) Already mid-January of the new year of 2023. It feels so weird that I didn't write anything here while 2022 was ending, especially considering the many horrible and beautiful things that happened. Now when I look back at 2022, the one thing that I am most grateful for was that I ended the year not thinking about the now and the future only for myself; I ended the year with a heart full of gratitude for companionship, lessons I learned, the person I became, challenges I faced, hardships I overcame, people I met; and most importantly, I was grateful for love. After what felt like an eternity living in a dark cloud, I think I ended 2022 with the fullest heart knowing that I finally became a good tyrant of my fate. Everything and nothing happened all at once. That is how I described last year...