It must be nice to have some purpose again.

I got my first email from your mother this morning.

It was so unexpected. I got tons of deadlines this month, and this week was one of the worsts. As crazy as it sounds, I couldn't be more grateful with my workloads. It keeps me stay sane, it has  slowly brought back my consciousness to this life. I was in a really dark place last month, and now, despite all the time I spent working, I could strangely feel the emotion that makes me feel like a human; missing you makes me want to cry, talking about the future without knowing your opinion about it makes me want to cry, thinking about applying to school in the State without you in it makes me want to cry, and to think about having serious relationship again.. I don't know, somehow I just don't know how to do it.

I was recently told to apply for a PhD program, and the first intake will start on February next year. I thought it was crazy to start that early, I wasn't ready and I still am not ready. I still don't think PhD is something I look for in life. For me, personally, I just don't know, why? I've always hated school, I like the learning process but taking a part in a school system is just.. well let's just say I still wake up in the morning surprised knowing I am a lecturer. WTF?! I know. Life turns out to be crazy for me. I don't think I have what it takes to be one. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my brain, nor do I have the ability to think systematically. I secretly still wish everyone would wake up one day and realize they've been making huge mistake all this time by hiring me as I've been giving zero contribution to our department. It's even way crazier knowing someone could tell me to apply for a PhD! Seriously, it's Ph fucking D! How on earth do you think I could do it without having the thought of killing myself probably before I even finish my first semester! I don't think I could handle the humiliation for being the dumbest student in the class - or even the idea of getting accepted in the first place is suuuuuper wild! It frustrated me somehow to think about how one could trust me so much when I can't even trust myself. When I have the courage to ask them, I'm gonna ask them; how could you trust me? What have I done that makes you trust me? What makes you think I could do things you thought I could?

It's hard to live this world without you. Ugh fuckkk! It still feels unfair. I really am lost. I really have no idea what am I doing, it's crazy! I feel so broken. I feel soulless. When things happened, sometimes I just stood there, my mind flew somewhere I don't know but it's just not in place most of the time. I try to finish each task slowly, while trying to gather my thoughts around the idea of what am I doing exactly? But then I told myself, what's the point of knowing what you're doing anyway. Nothing really matters, they lack of meaning. Sometimes I feel like I'm just some useless piece of shit I want to be invisible so that none would trust me, so that none would expect nothing from me. I can't help knowing people have expectation towards me. What do you expect? I can do nothing right. Then I thought.. ah, it must be nice to be invisible. But I need money to give myself luxury that makes me happy, shit!

I know I'm a privileged kid, and it's not hard to tell that I'm a spoiled brat. I got home last night seeing homeless couple wrapping up all of the boxes they just received - which I found out later from my mom - from my neighbour. I was a bit frighten at first, as they would ask or do something bad to me, which of course, they didn't. I know, humans are funny, we think about ending this life often but in times of trouble, we get scared for our lives. Then I entered home and think about how nice my life is. I got a car, a nice home, comfy bed, air con, warm blanket, skin care, clean water, cards that make my life super easy, I have monthly income, I eat decent food, I have a job, my parents love me, my parents have always been there for me, I feel loved; adored; liked, but fuck! I feel so fucked up; miserable; empty. And I looked at them that night, and it looked like they had nothing but each other. I question everything that has ever happened to me, how could I be so lucky, how could people trust me, I really really am grateful, but I just don't know how to be at peace with the self I've lived with for almost 29-year. This life gives me everything I want and need to go on living, but everything seems so pointless.

I now find ambition boring. I'm no better, but I'm having a hard time digesting why in the world should I fight so hard to get anything mundane. It's not that I hate ambitious people, maybe I'm just jealous that they have so much to live for while I have nothing. Probably the only reason that keeps me going is my parents, it must be awful for them to lose me. So while I look for my old ambitious soul, let me just be this walking corps so that I won't be so selfish to let them live in vain.

And yea, your mother emailed me for the first time this morning. I was sitting at the office, having a guy smiling in front of me, and a colleague sitting right next to me talking about stuff I don't remember, where a blinked from my email suddenly appeared. My heart dropped. I think I had given up receiving anything from your family after I left Lampung. I thought they might have just forgotten me as I'm more of a stranger for them than a lover. But I should've listened to you to not be too quick to judge :( I miss you! I almost cried. My chest hurt. The pain started to rush back in. I looked up and this guy was also looking up at me smiling - I thought, how I wish I could've just liked him even though I know we are never meant but at least you are still here in this world and I still have the ability to fight for us to work. I would have traveled anywhere in this world just to find out if we're even meant. From that second I saw his smile, I thought it must be really nice to go somewhere far just to prove your love to someone, but yet the only place and the only person I have planned to do so is no longer here. Where do I go now? Only God knows, cause I don't.

It frightens me to think about the future that I'd rather not to think at all. I don't know what to do about it, do I want stability? Will it make me happy? Or I just want to be at peace? Do we need reasons to live, or keep on living? I feel like I have become the epitome of failure that I feel so ashamed of myself, I want it to be invisible. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, I just think that I'm not good enough that I don't think I deserve the attention I have now. And to have such trust invested in me, I feel so overwhelmed and sad at the same time, as they've probably invested to the wrong person.

As it does to your mother, so does the pain that grow in me. Now, for me, to say that time will heal feels like an overstatement. The pain lingers there and there's no way I can take it away from me. Perhaps I should learn better on how to make peace with it instead of wishing it to go away, cause I know it won't. So, where do we go from here? I simply don't know.