Things we talk about when the light's out (2)

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My heart feels heavy tonight.

Today I shared a lecture with my fav lecturer when I was in undergrad, and he said 'not to belittle ones choices of ending their life, but to die is easy, to live is so damn hard!' His voice echos in my head, am I a loser? I often wonder what have I done right to deserve this luck, yet at the same time I wonder far could I fly if I didn't have this luck. Comfort can be deceiving, but I stick with it anyway - not because I can't go elsewhere, but because I'm too afraid to escape the comfort.

I haven't answered your mom's email, it still breaks my heart to remember all the stories you shared about her. I wish I could hug her. Before, I hated the word 'regret' as for me it sounded sinful. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was arrogant, but I planned my whole life to be who I was and somehow I got no regret. At least it took me awhile to answer such question. But now, there are plenty of stuff I regret not doing in the past and most of them include you. I regret I didn't apply for a PhD in the US right after I finished my master as the offer was right in front of me; I regret I didn't save my money and come visit you and your family like you did to me; I regret I didn't make clear decision with my future; I regret not asking your well being often; I regret not answering your calls and random text after watching sci-fi movies that I hate; I regret not saying 'I love you' often; I regret not once I came to visit you; and I regret that we didn't get the time to fix things up in person.

My friend often asks me, what do you get by regretting? Happiness?

I don't know if happiness is something I look for in life anymore, it feels shallow. I don't know what that means to feel happy, perhaps I'd rather feel peace, even if that means I am not happy.

And what do I get by regretting? Maybe nothing in particular, but more on peace of mind. I know there are things to be fixed as I still live; I know I always wore the pants in our relationship; I know you've sacrificed times and energy to visit me that I often didn't appreciate equally; I know I'd always been a bitch and you loved me still.

I miss you today.
I miss you when things go right, I miss you when things go wrong.
I miss you when I feel like I've become too comfort with what life has served me that I don't have the guts to step out of my comfort zone.
I miss you to tell me to be brave, and that included making brave choices.
I miss you when I get tired of talking to the world that has gone deaf.

It's crazy how one could just stop living. I'd like to think you're hiding somewhere in this huge world and if I'm lucky enough, someday I'll get the chance to see you again and we'll talk things through. You know I'm a dreamer, and there are dreams that are too good I don't want to wake up.

My heart feels heavy, in the mids of others misfortune, all I could think about is you and how hard it is to stay living in a dying soul.

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