Oh 2019, what a year has been.

Oh well, this year has been unbearable.

It's crazy how it feels like in a year so many things happened, but I don't remember much of it. If I should recall my 2019, then it would have been meeting a lot of new people, traveled to places, partying and drinking like a madman again, shopping like tomorrow doesn't exist, feeling so detached with my feeling which kinda make it all feel like a passing train instead of a transit in life; I know that they happened, but I clearly don't remember the feeling when it did happen, so I sort of question myself every now and then, were those even real?

I think 'have I really known myself?' is the most appropriate question to ask myself at the end of this year. I thought I knew me, you know.. it's been a long time since I asked who am I exactly?; what do I want?; do I want certainty over stability, or they can both go hand in hand?; am I happy with my life, and what does happiness even mean? Since I began working, I left those questions in a drawer along with all of the stuff I carried from Russia - I didn't have time for Sunday stroll along the river, enjoying chilly weather then having cheesecake at noon with hot cappuccino. So, I didn't have time to think about them. My time has been cramped into working hours and dinner/lunch on the weekend with my family. I am more of a person with a routine, in fact, I enjoy the sense of control in my routine. For instance, I know that I cannot eat whatever I want, cause what comes into my mouth has each own consequences, and I also know that some of the consequences are bad for my health, so why bother doing it anyway? I like to eat in a timely manner, veggies and fruits are what I look for everyday. So, aside from working, family time, I think not much happened in my life this past year. Everything just simply turned into a routine, and I lose the excitement of telling anyone how my year went as my answer would be.. well, things happened.

But is it fair? I believe that there are at least two people within me, I don't know which of them is nicer, but the person above is the one who has been taking over my mind and heart for at least, this past year. However, the other person always found a way to remind me there lie stories within those things I mentioned above - which hard for me to remember. But at least I know that it's there, perhaps I just have to dig deeper to know where it's placed. The morning of my birthday, I woke up feeling so grateful to be surrounded by people who have helped crawl back up again, by people who have taking the time to give me a sense of purpose, and by people who have helped me rationale the fact that he was the one who died and I am the one who lives. I am grateful for everyone of them who always replied to my text, who always said yes for a night out I desperately needed, and for the countless coffee talks with or without tears. Though I don't remember much about what have happened this year, but I know.. I have changed for the better.

On having purpose in life.

As I said often, the worst part about losing Garik is losing the access to his mind. I got lost. But then his mother came. It's been a humbling experience to be able to talk to his mother, and having her share her feelings with me, along with their Christmas photos. I want to hug her so bad, it both gives me hope and purpose again in life. I never thought that it is, this important for one to have a purpose in life. Why? You can't really say that you're lost when you don't know exactly where you're going, which makes getting lost is a better idea than stuck in one place with no sense of belonging. One of my friends told me I've been soulless, I simply couldn't feel things. At some point I think he's right, and one of them is because I had no purpose in life. Life happened, instead of making things happen, things just happened to make me feel alive. I had no control of it, I just did what's needed to be done.

Talking to Garik's mother is healing. It feels like talking to him through another person who happens to look a lot like him! :') She's so beautiful, and so was he. I thought I wouldn't be ready to meet 2020 as in less than two months, Garik would had turned 30 if he's still here. I also thought I wouldn't be ready to meet 2020 for the fact that I had no plans on my plate. What the heck should I do with my life? But maybe, I just never knew myself. Of course, I have set of plans in the back of my head that are ready to be called when I really am ready to meet them - the key is only to be friend with myself first. Now that I've found them, I'm so excited to meet 2020 as it's going to be the year (if I live long enough) I turn thirty! Though without Garik, but I know I'll find ways to cope. At least now, I have purpose, thus, I have a hope.

On knowing what I want and need.

This has a lot to do with the struggle of being friend with myself again. I thought I never knew what I really wanted and needed in life, but the truth is, maybe I just didn't spend enough time getting to know me. What I learned the most recently is that love is not something you can force. No matter how hard you try to push it, it's not when it's not. The social construction of marriage as a celebration of love is sickening! It somehow forces you to be the person you are not just because you want to be socially accepted. Why? Because you're almost 30 and single! Aren't we also talking about lifelong happiness here? I kinda see people obsession towards marriage seems to overshadow the concept of love that is more important to be taken seriously when it comes to choosing a partner. Having yourself respected, still feeling like yourself, not trying to hide who you really are in order to be accepted, having your boundaries respected - as it took a lot of efforts and courage to set one, having quality talks, and of course, the desire to love and be loved in return. I don't think I can fake those things, it has to come naturally, and when it's not, then he's not. Not that the person is not good, maybe he's just not what I want nor need, and vice versa.

I was a bit hesitant to mention this, but reading plays a huge role. People who read have imagination, and it's nice to talk with people with imagination. At least I like to talk about the book I just finished, plus reading is probably the only hobby I got left. They play with their own mind; they always have something to explore and want their partner to know. How can you not read? I don't know, I don't think I could go this far if not from those books as my best companion. Funny fact is that none has ever given me books but Garik. Everyone knows how much I love books, yet not a single person (but Garik) has ever given me one. The reason must be, just like anything else, they reckon I'm a bit picky with everything so they didn't know what I'd like to read. It's just the idea of reading is that you share others books you think it's good, cause when you read something great, you really want others to read it too. It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think.

I honestly have no idea what I wanted to write this time. I've shared you enough feelings this year that I don't know if I still have anything else unshared. All I want to remember about 2019 is how grateful I am for the people I am surrounded myself with, for the new family Garik has given me, for the experience and the long lost feelings I have lost in touch with. I know that it's not fair to include others in my journey when I still have no idea who I am and what I really want in life; I know it's not fair for myself to live the life I never considered choosing; and I know it's not fair for myself to  be blamed for all of the misfortune and uneasy feelings the worlds has made me feel. Tomorrow is not here to be afraid of, all I ever have is now, and may I be comfortable enough to live in the now and not in a rush or afraid of something that is yet to happen.

One step at a time, and live now to the fullest. Happy new year, Astrina - keep looking forward.