Life doesn't get easier, we just handle things better.

As we rush toward the end of December, I so cannot wait to make my year-end note as it feels like I've gone through a lot this year - not only me, but many people around me. The year 2019 has taught me most about how to lose touch with myself, and learned that maybe.. I've always been a stranger to myself.

I just turned 29 recently. Despite all of the horrible things attached to the idea of getting old, I am honestly so excited about turning 30 next year! I hate the fact that I will look old and unattractive in a way that most women hate, but shit! I like the wisdom that comes with age, and how fortunate are those who get wiser as they get older. My 28th year was.. well, as you already know - awful. Losing Garik has taught me that maybe, all this time, I never really knew myself. The only thing that haunts me most about losing him is the fact that I can no longer get into his mind, and it kills me! I always need his opinion about things that matter to me. I wouldn't let him make the decision, but I always, always trusted his judgement. Like I trust my parents' judgement. But he has departed, and after turning 29 few weeks ago, my first resolution is to know where to begin.

So I began with replying his mother's email. I got so emotional when I wrote it. I'm so close with my mom, and I know so was he - and if there was a hole in my chest for losing him, then there might be a cave in his mother's. He once told me that I might get along well with his mom, and after a few emails.. I can't wait to meet the future where I get to celebrate Christmas with his family; I just want to feel his presence again in my life. So, that's where I began to make a plan.

It feels so good to have some purpose again. I can't think long enough like for five or ten years from now, to think about surviving next year is glorious enough for me. Why? Because I want to enjoy the now, cause now is all I have and I don't want to waste any time thinking or worse, worrying about things that are yet to happen; things I have no control over.

Few days ago I got a notification email that told me I failed first scholarship application. I was so relieved I almost cried. It was so fair as I didn't prepare myself well enough for the task. I don't want to get it for free cause I know, I just know, it will become another great burden in my life as I will value myself less and less and less. I've been trying to find the pinpoint in my life, You know when you don't get this meaning you have to find another way, and I'm so down to find that other way no matter how uncertain it may seem. I've been feeling so weak, so uninspired, like I said before; it's crazy knowing how much I've grown hate toward myself. I had no idea what to do with my life, where do I go, and why should I live. Post-capitalist society, as they told me. Maybe, cause I have everything already? Maybe I would think twice about the problem of existentialism if I didn't have the life I have now. But Yenny always told me 'you cannot blame yourself for being born as you are. Just because your struggle is not the same with others, doesn't mean it isn't valid.' Maybe -- but anyway. The thing about that email is that it gives me hope. A hope to rethink about what I really want in life, places I want to go, and life I've lost in love with. I called it a rebirth! Failure helps me grow and nothing in life comes easy. I was so relieved and grateful when I read it, I knew that it wasn't for me from the very beginning. I knew people who need it more than I do, and not that I don't need it, but I need to experience stuff that will give my life more meaning. I need time to think what I really, really want in my life; not because it's served in front of me, but because I have fought hard for it to be there for me. I'm up for the challenge, to help me feel something again, to help me fight for my life harder, to give my life meaning, to find some purpose again.

I've been feeling empty. It's easy to fake it, I've always been an extrovert anyway. But every time I see people care so much about me, I feel so sad knowing they've been wasting their time as I often hate myself so much it's crazy. I googled how to love oneself so often that I stopped, and I thought maybe it's not necessary to love it, just make peace with it. Sometimes I go for love from people I know couldn't give me any. Not for any particular reason, simply because it feels safe that I don't have to take any responsibility I don't know I could carry. Sometimes I want to detach me from myself as the hate attaches to my skin and I hate myself more because of it.

So I'm going to start my life again by trying to stop blaming myself for everything wrong that happened, trying to love myself a little more every day, and make some serious plan for a year ahead. I have it now, and fuccccckkkkk! It feels so fucking good to have some purpose again! I'm so excited to see what 2020 has  for me.

I may not succeed, but fuck it! Neither does anybody.

The year 2019 has been so tough for some of my friends as well. I can't help but think about the resilience of people who have survived this year so beautifully. If anything that happened to me this year happened to me, let's say 4-5 years ago, I would've gone mad. And I really don't think life gets easier, instead it gets harder, but it's we who could handle things better.

I won't forget the day where something that was supposed to be a failure, has turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. For the day I started talking to your mom, and for the people who have always be around for me. The strength is, indeed, in the struggle.