The fragility of life.

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What a strange time to be alive. It's July 2021, we are not done with the pandemic yet. Surprised! It's summer 2021 and we still live with Covid. And it looks like things can only get worse before it gets better.

This is my third week in Jakarta, and I've been home all day! Like literally, all day. And surprisingly, I don't feel bored. I even have my routine. I even have my work desk in my brother's bedroom, with no AC - I don't even sleep with AC, and I survive, no problem at all. Usually I wake up at 6am, do some exercise, have my breakfast, then pooping (it's a must!), then back to work. I am leaving in ten days (hopefully, fingers crossed), still begging the Aminef to buy me ticket for next week. I haven't received my passport yet, and it's Thursday already, but I know that it's ready. I hope Mbak Nabila has all the patience in the world to bear with me as I text her everyday. I also know that I have to tell all of my friends about my departure date, and it's going to be an endless farewell through zoom call, at the same time I have classes to attend, homework, all of these administrative stuff that I need to take care of, I am also still working, I haven't finished packing, blablabla.. but I'm fine. I don't make a fuss about this, really. I'm in a good health, my family is safe, healthy, and trying to survive. I simply have nothing to complain about, instead life has been nothing but a blessing.

Oh my dear Lord, what a month has been. You see on my last post how fragile I became, these past two weeks have been nothing but sad news. It's crazy to realize that I am home and everyday, literally everyday, we get the news of someone's death. It could be your friend, your family, your colleague, your friend's family, your family's friend, your neighbor, your colleague's family, even your student! And the list goes on. Again, if it's not for Garik, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today in the face of this crazy turbulence. The reason why you are here, reading this, is because I don't have Garik with me. Because if he's still here, whatever I wrote in this blog would remain private between us. And now that he's not here, I have nobody to share the madness in my head. You can see from almost all of my posts, how impossible for me to live without him, yet at the same time you also see the greatest blessing of life lessons he has left. He was so beautiful, I'm forever blessed to have him in my life, even just for eight years.

Losing Garik has taught me about the fragility of life. This second you can jump for joy, the next second you have a hole in your heart; this second you kiss someone that blows your mind, the next second you want this life to end. I learned the best lesson of surrender, to have fun, to not take life too seriously. I only live once, I don't want to die in vain knowing my life has been nothing but an utter boredom. I want to be responsible with my life but also know how to have fun. Losing Garik has taught me the best lesson about death: acceptance. That no matter how hard I cry, how much I hate myself, how hard I curse this life, he's never coming back. I can cry, in fact, I have to cry, but it matters to know that my tears will never bring him back to life. Acceptance, that nothing in this world that I own, at the same time know that nothing in this world owns me.

If it's not for those lessons, I don't think I would survive this pandemic the way I do now. My mind would have gone mad. I will feel stuck, I will never understand this stillness. I will constantly complain to him of how boring this situation has made me feel. And maybe, I would't even apply for Fulbright, as I know it's going to be him who will come to me, not the other way around. The silver lining, the worst silver lining in my life, is that I have to lose him to know the true meaning of this life. He must be so proud of me, I know. But he must also know that I've never been more miserable.

Again, no matter how hard I try to deny it, to curse it, he's never coming back. There's one song from Sam Smith titled Forgive Myself, and the lyrics go something like "But you're not here, baby, and I can't love anyone else 'til I forgive myself". Well, put it frankly, you listen to that song, the whole lyrics is about me losing the love of my life. Can I love anyone else right now? I don't even have the capability to receive love right now, let alone loving someone. I try to be patience with my journey, and I really can't wait to meet the day where I can be in love again. Not because being with him can help me repay what I failed to do in the past, but because I love him. And now I want to scream, WHEEEEEEEENNN? Haha.

This whole situation has made love even more fragile on my part. As we feed ourselves with bad news, all I can think about is what if I love this person, and then he gets the virus then he dies too?! I can only think about the bad things that could happen. I mean, all of these are crazy. I seriously can't comprehend the agony one has to endure losing family members in a really short period of time. Those numbers are not only statistics, those are people lives being taken. When it comes to death, I always remember this thought I have 'I get that you're free, but I'm stuck in the dark hole above the ground since you left me'. The departed has finished his/her journey, while we're here trying to rationalize the agony while carrying the impossible burden of grief.

But it is what it is. If I live long enough, let's say at least ten years from now, I really do wonder what I have in mind looking back to this day, to this pandemic, to the endless grievances, and to the new life I'm about to embark. But now, understanding the fragility of life has given me the power to enjoy the now, the very present moment, cause that's all we have.

May the world be healed soon.

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