Through pain and suffering.

I think about those sleepless nights, all of the dark clouds, the headache, the pain that attached to my body, the heart race, the fear and the endless fear of things I know not yet how to end.

I visited that dark place again yesterday. My head was so heavy and my body ached, I couldn't sleep well, I checked my phone every hour even in my sleep, I woke up early to do some yoga then jog. I needed it so badly, I needed to exhaust my body, I needed to distract my brain. Then I had my breakfast and lunch with a long time high school friend. The day was sunny, we had breakfast in McCafe pretty close to where we live and had a really long talk that we decided to have lunch at local taco place. Today was rather a beautiful day, but I could still feel the dark clouds hangin in my head. I could still feel the pain I often had in 2019-2020, it was so heavy that I took my med once I got home, took a shower, then slept for hours.

There's a huge hole in my chest since Garik left. I become more convinced that death is the only thing time could never mend. Some of my closest friends told me that there's no point in trying to forget him, maybe I just have to accept the fact that he's probably going to stay with me for the rest of my life, and that's okay. That there will always come a day in the middle of nowhere, out of the blue, where at one moment you busy thinking about school and the next second you weep like a mad woman cause he's not here, and again, that's okay. One of my high school girls recently told me that I need to focus more on my trip to the US cause it's my future. I need to be more serious about my future. I stood silence wondering 'which future is she talking about? Have I not been serious?' But I get her point. The thing is, if people talk about my future, I don't know which future are they talking about, I don't know which future should I be excited about. Are we supposed to be excited about the future? I thought surviving each day is hard enough.

The other thing about losing Garik is that I still carry the guilt. The guilt that has nothing to do with him yet everything to do with me. I still carry the guilt of not loving him enough, not giving him enough time, not making enough effort to prioritize him, and worst of all, not making any effort to ease his pain. I was busy feeding my ego knowing that he wouldn't go anywhere, while he alone suffered. It still is my worst nightmare.

A few months after his passing, I met an old friend from high school. I wrote about him with my broken English titled 'sunsets and cold beers'. He is the person I've known since I was fifteen. The most often who comes to my dream. I have no memory on how we first met and how we first started talking, but now, all I know is that he is the one I want the most to be happy. I know, happiness is shallow, but I also know that it's going to take a really long journey for him to find peace - I am not there yet either, and if I can't be with him throughout the journey, may I only now pray for him to be happy and that I will always be there.

I know, he's not Garik. And I know doing him good will never bring back Garik, I know. But I've watched him suffered enough, I've watched him hating himself enough at the same time I've watched him grow. There's no easy journey, and his especially, is not the easiest. I honestly can't imagine the madness he has to endure in daily basis, I wish I could lessen the pain, I wish he would let me help him ease the pain, I'd ask nothing in return. Maybe all I ever wanted is truly for him to love himself more, to be kind to his heart. I think about the night I saw him cry, the night he held me tight, the night I asked for a million of times 'tell me what can I do to lessen the pain', and he just sat there in silence. I hugged him tight and oh Lord how I wish I did not have to let go. I would never want him to feel alone ever again. I still carry the memory vividly in my head, the moment made my head burned and my body ached, my breath was heavy and felt like I could no longer hold my chest. I can't watch him suffer any longer, it's not something I can comprehend in a lifetime.

The day was gloomy, what was meant to be a goodbye turned out to be hello. I embrace him, it feels like he can stay forever in my arms. I once turned my head away from someone who needed me most, this is disgusting but I have to admit that I've always been a taker, and it took Garik away from me to know that in this chapter, I can no longer be one. It provides more meaning to my life knowing that I have the ability to be a giver in a relationship.

I know that I'm leaving in a few weeks. I've been trying to have a conversation with God, asking what does this all mean, why do I have to meet almost the exact same circumstance as the one I encountered before I left for Russia. But you know you can't think straight when you fill your head with emotion. So, maybe I should just leave it there and see how things go in the next few weeks while I'm here. Maybe for once, I can be useful.