Ending 2022: nothing but blue sky

"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared to our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate" (Thoreau, in Walden, 1854)

Already mid-January of the new year of 2023. It feels so weird that I didn't write anything here while 2022 was ending, especially considering the many horrible and beautiful things that happened. Now when I look back at 2022, the one thing that I am most grateful for was that I ended the year not thinking about the now and the future only for myself; I ended the year with a heart full of gratitude for companionship, lessons I learned, the person I became, challenges I faced, hardships I overcame, people I met; and most importantly, I was grateful for love. After what felt like an eternity living in a dark cloud, I think I ended 2022 with the fullest heart knowing that I finally became a good tyrant of my fate.

Everything and nothing happened all at once. That is how I described last year. So many things happened, but just me being a horrible tyrant, I always felt like I achieved nothing, like I experienced nothing, like I learned nothing. But I know that they are not true. I could still see myself crying, the hard cry that I'd been having for the past three years and a half. I haven't done it in a while now, though I felt it coming from time to time, I think I could say that the urge wasn't strong enough that I could let the tears out. I don't want to put labels good or bad, I just want to feel it and embrace whatever it is that I am feeling. I don't want to question why either, it feels liberating just to feel the emotion.

I wrote in my last post how happy I was having David in my life. The happiness remains. He is, indeed, the best gift of 2022 and I will never say otherwise. I used to be so embarrassed to express my feeling, I don't know why. Maybe because I thought these things won't last, and it just felt so cheesy to do so, to be honest with my feelings; afraid I was mistaken, afraid it was just an illusion. Do I regret it? I mean, for not being honest and not saying it out loud. Yeah, maybe, a little bit, but more liberating to be honest. Knowing that now I feel a lot more comfortable doing it makes me feel like I am progressing. I didn't know how to get in touch with my feeling, let alone be honest about it. It probably has something to do with age and the experiences of life that I have, now I feel like I am ungrateful if I hide this feeling. I paid the highest price for not being honest with what my heart sought, I don't want to take it for granted anymore now that I found it.

Plus, he is the best gift because he gives me the gift of friendship in love, and nothing can be more beautiful than that. I struggle a lot with companionship after living for so long with myself. I often think that myself is my bestest friend, I love the idea, and I love the days I spend with myself, but being with David made me realize how fragile I am in the face of others whom I love, and how amazing it is to be accepted by he who loves me. Of course, acceptance is not conflict free. It is frustrating too to think that I can be accepted without expectation. How can you love me while sacrificing whatever it is that makes you happy and let me be the bitch that I have always been? I accept expectation as long as it leads to progress. I can finally see and experience it now when people say that we have to know ourselves first before committing ourselves to a union. Perhaps you wonder why? Because knowing ourselves makes us humble, and humility provides us with a space to grow. We know who we are and what we are lacking, and knowing that there is someone there to help us grow feels so incredibly amazing. Sometimes I feel proud of myself for reading all of those philosophical and psychology books because now that I found him, I can derive meaning from this form of companionship.

Does everything have to have meaning? Not really. Perhaps, not everything, but everything that we think matters in our lives, at least I think, has to have meaning. And meaning is not given, it is created. Now I understand why some people cry on their wedding day. Yeah, because it feels so amazing to finally find your person. I even cry looking at him sometimes, and that is even without the wedding as a context. How can I be so lucky? He makes me want to enjoy and explore life once more, and I guess there is nothing more important and more beautiful than that. And sure enough, fuck being cheesy, I want the world to know that! LOL

Thinking about him always makes me smile, realizing how now the good overshadows the bad. It had always been easy to curse the world when something bad happens as if nothing good had ever happened to our lives. But my father always taught me to be grateful for life because being ungrateful means you practice unfairness to your mind, considering the many goods you received, you chose to only remember the bad. So, he is like a walking reminder for me now on how to always be grateful, as you know... gratitude is still, my favorite emotion.

Now, what else to write? I feel like he is my favorite part of 2022 :)))))))))) bucin.

Just kidding. Not really.

For whoever of you following my blog, know that I am really happy right now. Not because everything is perfect in my life, but more because I feel like I can get a better grasp on life. I stop questioning the world to give meaning to my life, but as Frankl says, it's me who is being asked. I find great comfort in knowing that I have family and friends who love me, and I couldn't be more grateful for their presence in my life. I have enough of everything; a place to live, food to eat, water to drink, hot water, a warm bed, good education, warm hug, I have enough to give, and above all, I make sure that people feel the love that I have for them.

In 2022, I tried to map myself better. I tried to think about what I wanted for my future and what meaning can I give to this life. I do have dreams, and yeah, perhaps people were right, I do have ambition too. Sometimes ambition does not come in a clear understandable sentence, sometimes ambition comes in pieces that need to be put together. It's crazy to think that I come so far in life just to live life day by day and boom... here I am. Nah, I refuse such a random description of my life. I think I have a better grasp of my life right now and why I do what I do. Here, I try so hard not to bring David into this narrative but it is just so fucking hard. What can I say, I have so little expectation for my life. I just want an easy simple life, and it is so not hard to please me. So, if I think about myself only, I simply have no ambition other than being useful. I didn't even think about being happy when I was alone as it is so easy to make me happy, two things: I just need to get my paycheck and make those around me happy. But David brought a whole new meaning to my life, and life got a lot more exciting once I realized he was fully in it.

So, yeah, what can I say, he changed my year 2022 for the better. It makes a lot of sense with him and being with him explains why it never worked out with anyone else before. I spent the beginning of this year having our first-ever trip together. And I cannot tell you how excited I am for our journeys together in the future. For now, I'm just grateful to have the best companion to sail on this windy sea together. Nothing more I ask.