After a long break

 I was in the shower this afternoon listening to my Birdy playlist, and her song Terrible Love came into play. The lyrics always ring in my head: it takes an ocean not to break. I don't know why, I cried. It's incredible how much failure can teach me about life.

It has been a while since I've come back here. It may be because I have an additional human diary now. Having David in my life still is so beautiful. I still can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. This feels like the most incredible blessing after having my family, friends, and people who love me. Returning to the shower this afternoon, I realized how messy and cruel my mind had been to myself. I couldn't appreciate my triumph and always replaced it with harsh judgment and disappointment toward myself. Of course, until I finally failed, I knew what true disappointment really was. This took me back to those days in Russia. The moment somebody told me that I was not good enough, didn't read enough, and may not know what I thought I knew. It probably took me over a year to make peace with the fact that I was a piece of shit, but now I don't have that much time. Right now, I'm still trying to gather myself back together again, my confidence, and slowly convincing myself that I can do this, I'm capable of doing this. No matter how impossible it may sound, just like the note I put on the fridge: I made it this fucking far, what can possibly stop me now.

But yeah, I know, easier said than done. You know it's harder to convince your adult self because, in the back of your head, you think you know enough; you think you know everything. But you know you don't, and it's hard to tell yourself you don't.

Another thing that bothered me today, probably why I decided to come here and write them all down, is jealousy. I hate jealousy. I fucking fucking fucking hate being jealous. It makes me ungrateful, the most hateful feeling for me. I hate being ungrateful. I hate it so much. I hate it because it is unfair. There is so much good in my life; I hate it when I cannot see it. I hate it when I look at the world and feel envious of other people's lives and other people's triumphs, and they make me feel small, they make me feel incapable and they make me feel even more of a failure. And I hate it when people say it's normal to feel that way or that we should feel what I feel. I don't want to feed my ego by thinking that I don't have enough and that my life is not perfect. I know no life is perfect, but jealousy is a disease. Ungratefulness is a disease, especially for life like mine. I went out today, and I could feel my heart sank. I felt so small. I felt so embarrassed to be out and seen by people. I felt like I could do nothing good. David told me we should leave the house last weekend and nobody cares. Yeah, I should return to my senses and know nobody cares. It's still crazy to think I can be jealous of somebody else's life. I feel so embarrassed and angry at myself just to realize that I nurture jealousy in my head.

I remember the day after my mom texted me that it's okay, everyone fails in life. She told me I acted the way I did because I had never failed. Everything had always been so easy on me. And that's what people say. Gosh, did this not teach me the best lesson. I swear. It's so easy to be wise when things are easy. This feels like getting to know myself again after a long break. 

And I can't be this weak. The fuck.