Chicago Union Station

As you can see in the title, I'm at Chicago Union Station again right now. Sitting almost on the exact same table I sat at in November, after my Thanksgiving trip. This is January 11, 2022. I just ended my first winter break in America by spending 3 weeks in Wake Forest, North Carolina, for Christmas and New Year. How am I feeling right now? Grateful, my heart is filled with love and gratitude. I can't believe so many things could happen in a month, or maybe it always could, I just have to look a little closer.

Ok, so, let me start with Chicago Union Station. E asked me several times about how long am I going to wait at Union Station, and I told her it's going to be a few hours but don't worry cause I like waiting at an airport or a station. And she asked me what do I like about it? I told her that I like to write about my trip, not necessarily writing about the moments or what I did during that trip, but more about the feeling and things I learned throughout the journey, you know the conversation I had in my head. I told her that I tend to forget things, my memories get blurry sometimes. Not that I don't believe it happened, it's just I don't remember how it feels when it did. So I write them down, and one day when I want to recall this particular day, I will get a clear description not only that it really did happen, but also the emotion that attached to it - which is nice, isn't it? I didn't tell her though that I only started to do this after Garik died because he used to be my human diary.

And well, let's give a little credit to Chicago Union Station. Many people were worried about me living in Urbana-Champaign initially because all they know, I grew up in a big city and I am such a city girl. They thought I will get SO frustrated and bored living in small cities like Urbana-Champaign. I laughed, of course, I mean yes I do like big cities but I have been living in Jogja for so long. And it's not like I lived in Moscow or St. Petersburg when I was in Russia. If only they visited Astrakhan', they wouldn't have such pity on me for living in a small campus town in America. Then I came to Chicago, and boy oh boy what a city to visit only! LOL I'm like, living in Chicago? Hmm.. no thanks. Not that I like Urbana-Champaign better, cause I don't, and I only want to live there to study, but everything is cheap in Chambana and I can save more money to travel and buy stuff that I don't need, like clothes and more and more clothes. The thing about living abroad in a small city is that you can have a simple life, although people don't trust me when I say simple life cause I don't even trust myself when I say it, but it's true. It's a simple life because you don't have many options and none to impress! LMAO. And this station, omg.. scares the shit out of me! At first, not really now, well not anymore. So many weird people in Chicago, and you can meet them on your first visit, even. Especially when it gets cold, most of them need shelter to feel warm, and food, and money. Some of them are drunk, some of them smell so terrible you almost throw up, some of them dig through the garbage to get something to eat, some of them yell, some of them just... scary. I don't know, all I can say it's just there are so many weird people in Chicago and even Garik's parents are worried about me spending time alone in Chicago. I certainly feel a lot safer in train stations in Indonesia or even Russia.

But you know what? I'm just a spoiled little girl. Can't you see how privileged I am to be able to say all of those things? Many people here have been talking about having a car because when days get cold, you're gonna need a car. You need a car to do groceries, you need a car to travel, you need a car to basically do whatever you feel like doing. But then, one of the things I look forward to about living abroad is that I get a chance to live a completely different life like the one I had back home. You know with all of its amenities, my life is so easy at home, I have everything I need and I don't even have to work hard for it. And that's when I start to take things for granted, that's when I start to get bored, and that's when I start to feel that everything is meaningless, then I feel stuck and desperate to go out. What an ungrateful bitch! I am not trying to torture myself - well, it's stupid if not having a car is a form of torture - but I really do want to live a different life and try to embrace and appreciate the simple thing in life. It's beautiful, it's meaningful, and I wouldn't trade it with anything else in this world. So, even if I do have a boyfriend here, I think it may take me a little while to come to the decision of having a car. I mean, I like taking public transport and exploring some lives that I won't ever get a chance to meet if I stay calmly in my car.

And oh, even if one day I change my mind and decide that it's time for me to have a car, I will still go to North Carolina by train from Champaign and fly from ORD to RDU. It has become my favorite trip, the one I always look forward to every time I have a break from school. My mom was right, it is indeed sad that I cannot have Garik with me, but I should be grateful that he gave me his family. I don't think I have ever felt this kind of love except from my parents. The kind of love that makes you feel accepted, wanted, cared for, and it feels like you can be nobody in this world and they will love you just the same. Garik used to provide me with that kind of love, the kind of love that makes sense; a good lover and a best friend. Each day I spent in his house, made me wonder how did it feel like to have him there, with me. He must have loved all of the times I spent with his family, the conversation I had with them, or simply just me being a good company. Yesterday I had lunch with his dad, just two of us, which we had been having in the past 4 days since Gram was taken to the hospital on Friday. He said that he's going to miss me now that I'm leaving tomorrow. And last night, his mom said the same thing. I told them I'll be back before they know it, which I will, I really will. I don't know why, but I even have a strong connection with his family, just like what I have with him even after he's gone. I really want to tell him on his face 'you should have waited for me! Look now, even after you're gone, it's only me who stays. It's always been me! You should've trusted me more, that I can make things better. I might not be able to fix it, but I'm sure I can lessen the pain. All you have to do is ask! You should've waited a little longer and told me what you want!'

But for what it's worth, I'm grateful. There is no point in regretting right now, no point in cursing. It's been done, nothing can be changed. I learned the lesson, I become a better person because of it. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm grateful for what I have. It's not the best, but I'm grateful that it's mine to live. Have I tried with other guys? Of course, I have, but it's not easy. No, it's hard, it's so hard! I don't even know if I want to or if it's worth it, and for what? I can make them come, but I don't know how to make them stay, or if I even want them to stay. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. He will come when it's time.

I got Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning as my Christmas gift. I know some people get so cynical about religion, but whatever, religion gives me comfort. Any kind of religion, really. I decided to read the book again and finished it on the plane this morning. This is probably the reason why we have fav books, cause it gives you proper consolation in times when you need it most. Garik used to tell me to be friends with books because books are always open-minded. He's right. As I said earlier that I often forget about stuff. I always thought it has everything to do with my depression, but Frankl says it's apathy. Apathy, for him, is the final stage of human suffering. The reason that we forget about moments is not that such moments are illusions, but so little feeling involved in it. And even though I have read this book so many times, given the different context I was in each time I read it, I always learned something new. I know we met so many people in this life, so many roads we traveled, but I take comfort in knowing that I can only remember a few and gladly let the other pass through. Cause at this point, even after his death, I know exactly why Garik remains in my head and in my heart. I am forever grateful for the beautiful family he has given me.