The year I lost my best friend

Wow, it's been over a year since I last came here. Perhaps I've been too happy that my mind lacked the imagination to compose a sentence to express what I felt. Not that I'm not happy right now, but a lot has happened these past few months. One of them was my best friend, who died after fighting cancer for two years.

We texted each other pretty regularly after I left Champaign in late June. In late August, she sent me selfies with Ju showing how happy she was to be back with him in Korea. I haven't heard from her for a week, and I texted her, but I haven't heard from her since. And then one day, I got an email from our department offering the position she once held. I reached out to my department and texted her, and the next day came the bad news I had dreaded.

16 September 2025 was the day Jin finally won her battle. For me, whatever the outcome, she won it. She beat the shit out of the fucking cancer. In May of the same year, she found out that the cancer had spread to her bones. Initially, it was in her lungs and kidneys. And as if the pain was not enough, she often told me that the pain she experienced from the bone cancer was unbearable. Crying because of the pain was a total mundane thing for her, and multiple hospital visits, including near-death experiences, were not so special for her case. There were times when she was hopeful with the advancement of technology that she could be cured, but there were also times when she lost hope and told me that she thinks she doesn't have much time left. For all I could remember, whenever she told me that, I always said to her that, whatever the outcome, she just needed to know that she fought a good fight. She's my champion. She's a true champion.

I remember the day Jin told me that her cancer had come back was during our dinner at Seven Saints, Champaign. There were Jin, Ju, David, and me. I think it was late fall 2023. The year was undoubtedly 2023, but I don't really remember the month. But it was cold, for sure, as we were well covered up. I saw she had a new hairstyle —I always call it the Dora hairstyle, which is also my go-to —and I told her I like her new hair. She looked at Ju for a bit and said to us that her cancer had come back, and this time it was in her lungs and kidneys. Not joking, but it's literally a stab on the chest. I always knew it was almost impossible to survive lung cancer. But it's Jin. I was so sure Jin was unbeatable —she's one of the rare few!

I told her that we have to meet more regularly after that. Nobody knows what's gonna happen, but all I could think about was that I don't want to waste the little time I had with her to not be with her. So, we spent more time either having lunch or just having afternoon coffee. Being neighbors really helped with any arrangement we had. And Jin loved coffee, so wherever I went, even to North Carolina, I brought her coffee from there. Since neither David nor I is good with coffee — David doesn't even drink one —we set up a test to see whether Jin liked Puerto Rican or Indonesian coffee better. I don't mean to brag, but it was easy —of course, she liked the Indonesian one! I mean, come on, let's be real. LOL

This wasn't Jin's first cancer diagnosis. In 2019, she was first diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She had it removed and was cancer-free for a few years until August 2023, when she got Covid, and in September, she felt constant pain in her back and had it checked. It turned out the cancer made its way back straight to the lungs and kidneys.

The second treatment was hell. At first, she still tried to manage having chemo while continuing grad school. She was working on her prospectus at that moment. Not until January 2024 did she tell me that she didn't think she could continue working on her prospectus anymore because the treatment was killing her. There were times when she had chemo once a week, and during that once-a-week chemo, she needed two days to get up and out of bed after the chemo. And then she had to prepare herself for another chemo the next week and be dead again for two days after that. We literally used the term dead for those two off days after chemo, since she couldn't do anything else but sleep. She was the one who came up with the idea and always told me we'd meet when she was back alive. Among all the things she could be worried about, at the beginning, she was most concerned about not continuing grad school. And I was like... I would probably have left on the first diagnosis!

David and I got married somewhere in July 2024. We were back in Champaign, early August. Before we left, since Jin and I were both in Champaign during the summer from late Spring, we decided to schedule a meeting — either for lunch or just to hang out — once a week. She told me that she didn't have any plan to leave the US because of her treatment, plus I didn't think that her doctor would let her have an international flight. But again, this is Jin. I knew she would do anything to get what she wanted. So, by mid-August, when we finally had lunch together at Watson's, she told me that after she got back from Korea, she had an emergency where she had 3L of water in her lungs! She showed me a photo of the water, and honestly, I never imagined that much water could exist in our bodies! It's so crazy. I kept asking if she was okay, and she eventually told me that her doctors had told her she only had 3 months left! I was so speechless, and we both cried in Watson's on a sunny summer afternoon.

Three months meant either October or November 2024. I asked her what she felt, and she told me she was feeling not much, basically. She knew this was coming, and she wouldn't act surprised. She just wanted to spend the little time she has left as best she could. We walked to The Lit after lunch, and I bought her my favorite book, Paul Kalanithi's When Breath Becomes Air. An unfortunate coincidence, obviously, Paul wrote the book after his lung cancer diagnosis. After that, Jin texted me that she couldn't read the book all at once because it always made her cry. I didn't blame her; the book was so beautifully written.

After she told me about the three-month thing, we agreed to continue and make sure we meet at least once a week. We wanted to spend as much time together as possible. And we did, and I was so happy that we did. We also agreed to aim for our birthdays. As Sagitarians, we have celebrated our birthdays together ever since we met in 2021. If we're able to celebrate our birthdays together, it means she passed the three-month thing, and it's certainly worth celebrating! And we DID!

We even met in Puerto Rico in January 2025. I went there to meet David's family, and Jin was on the cruise with her parents and made a stop in Old San Juan. We had brunch together, walked around a little bit, and got coffee at a local coffee shop. She looked so good and happy. Her doctor actually gave her another three-month deadline earlier that year, but we couldn't care less. She told her that so many times already that it's hard to tell when three months will be three months. I told her to just take it one day at a time and be grateful for what she has.

Looking back, I'm so glad I got to spend so much time with her in the last two years of her life. As a friend, I was so present. There's no guilt of not spending enough time, not asking the questions, and not showing enough love. Jin knew perfectly well how much I love her and how much I love spending time with her. We had known each other for only 4 years —literally the first 4 years of our 30s —but it felt like we'd known each other forever. We did everything together: eating, cooking, shopping, downtown strolls, taking the train to Chicago, laughter, tears, double dates, watching Korean drama cinema where there were only us in the theater —what else, you name it. We even laughed about Ju, her fiancé, so many times, as he's just hilarious! Jin taught David and me to make kimbap, Jin trying not to yap while David rolled his kimbap until I told her she could treat David like Ju, but she said no —she had to control herself (LOL!).

It was May 2025 when Jin was hospitalized, not long after Ju's visa got revoked. David and I came to visit and were so surprised to find her all alone. She asked us to bring her some water because she didn't like the hospital water. I got her cut oranges, something she really liked. I came to the hospital every day to accompany her, and we (David and I) applauded her ability to kick people out simply by asking, "When are you going to leave?" LOL! That is so Jin. On our first visit, we expected her to be all weak and sick, but then we were reminded that this is Jin. She was so pissed that Ju "gave" the US govt a reason to revoke his visa —a speeding ticket he got two years ago, before he met Jin. It was resolved, he paid, it's finished. But Trump loves to make ordinary people's lives harder by doing what he knows best. I told her that, knowing she still had the energy to get angry at Ju, I was so relieved that she still had enough to rant about Ju —the subject she loved most. However, that's when everything went downhill.

Jin got weaker and weaker after that. She couldn't be tired. She had to have enough rest. She needed to take morphine twice a day due to the pain from the bone cancer. The reason she was hospitalized in May was that she experienced shortness of breath until she found out that there was water in her heart. And during this hospitalization, she found out the cancer had spread to her bones. She said the pain was so crazy that whenever I checked on her, she always said that she was just dealing with the pain. When we were at the hospital, on one of my visits, she told me with teary eyes that she really thinks that this time is real, that she doesn't have much time left. I didn't say anything; it was so hard to hear.

I left Champaign in late June 2025. I gave some of my plants to her and told her I expected her to take care of them until we come back next year. I told her so many times that I'm optimistic we will see each other again next year when I'm back in Champaign. Hope was all I had. What can I say?

Of course, there was a time when I asked her if she was afraid. She said she's not scared of death, but she's terrified of leaving the people she loves the most, especially her parents. Jin was an only child, which made her really sad knowing that her parents would be alone and lonely after she left. She told Ju so many times to visit her parents every now and then so they won't feel lonely. Jin's parents are the loveliest, and I think that's how we connect: we're both family people —we're so close to our parents.

Jin was satisfied with her life. She considered herself to be so lucky and privileged. She had no complaints; in fact, she never complained. She said she had a good life, and she had to leave the world young; she was okay with it because her life was good. She lived a good life, and she had people she loved who loved her in return. Love was not something that she lacked, and she was so grateful for that. It made her life complete. And I was so lucky to have met her during my grad school.

I think I had my good cry after she died. It happened once but lasted almost the whole day. Losing Jin was different. There was no regret. I think the best lesson in life is to make the most of the time we have while we're alive. Always, always, make time for others. We just never know when it will be the last. Spend time with people we love, ask them how they are and what they want to do with us, and how we can make the time we have together better. Simple things can bring the most immense joy. Even though I am sad that I lost my best friend, I have no regret. I still want to cry from time to time thinking about all of the times we spent together, but one thing I learned about death is that no matter how hard you wish to have something back, with death only comes acceptance. There is simply nothing we can do to beat death. Perhaps death is the only thing that is absolute; absolute fact and absolute sorrow.

I also learned —and I've said it so many times —that death is the only thing time can never mend. The hollow is there. The hole in our hearts will forever be there. We just have to live with it.

Until we meet again, Jin. Whether it'd be in DKH, downtown Champaign, Old San Juan, or Chicago. No more pain, you beat the shit out of that fucking cancer. You truly are my favorite warrior!

I love you, Jin, and I miss you every day.