In retrospect

Two weeks after we entered 2026, my car suddenly wouldn't move in the middle of the road. I was stopped at a traffic light on our way to lunch with my mom, her friend, and Mbak Dar. We were all so excited. We had planned this for a while and had been rescheduled once because David was sick. Nothing special about this lunch, just a regular mie ayam at Galeria. What made this special was that we all love this mie ayam and really looked forward to having it together. Anyway, my car gave no strange signals before this happened. It was just all of a sudden. The engine was still running. I shifted into gear and hit the gas, and fuck me... it wouldn't move. And I was literally in the middle of the road.

What the fuck was going on? I was panicking, no joke. I was literally in the middle of the road, and for real, this shit never happened to me before. Now that I think about it, yeah, perhaps it's good to have such an experience in your life, cause... why not? I think I was stuck in the middle of the road for a solid five minutes while the machine was still running. My mom called my dad and told him to come. I tried to call David, but after hearing my dad pick up the phone, I hung up. Then I tried to call the Toyota workshop nearby, and it led me to a useless, long automated answer that was no help at all. Then I remembered I just fixed my car last July, and the place I fixed it was pretty reliable, I'd say. So I called them, and they arrived at the same time as my dad. But before they arrived, after I finished the call, I tried to turn off the AC and hit the gas bit by bit to see if the car could move, and it DID! Just a little bit, you know, like how it moves when you push it. So thankfully, I managed to pull it off to the left. FYUH!

It took them about thirty minutes to get there. Yeah, thirty minutes, with almost constant honking because it was at a traffic light and people got stuck behind me, thinking I'd parked my car there--even though I already put on the emergency light. But oh well, perhaps I'd do the same. I got out of the car with Mbak Dar while the mechanics took it over, and I had people on the street staring at us like it was a street show. You're welcome, guys.

I remember I was shaking when I tried to call David, and only when the mechanics arrived could I calm down. What was I thinking? I don't know... I was afraid the car would move back on its own since there were four people in it; I was thinking about how much it would cost; I was thinking about whether I should just get a new car, but I don't live here now, so what's the point of getting a new car when I only use it once a year; I was thinking about how I would move around for three days if this didn't get fixed soon... all the thoughts that I had to think about now... two things: 1) I feel so privileged to be able to think about all of those things. 2) I felt like I was losing control of myself, and I don't know why, but I feel so sad for feeling that way, like why? Why did I feel like I was losing control of the situation to the point that I felt like it was the end of everything, like fuck, this is so bad, this is the end.

I've been wanting to write an annual post since last year. I remember last year, I was in San Juan. While David was working, I left to find a cafe for some alone time to write, but it didn't happen. I mean, I found the cafe, but I didn't finish my writing. Again, I still find it hard to write when I'm happy, or when there's nothing that really hits me hard enough to lose myself. And last year, I lost my best friend. As 2025 was coming to an end, I kept thinking I wanted to write something because it took me a while to digest my emotions. But still, I couldn't seem to gather the words. Then last week, David was sick for almost the whole week, which really got me thinking: shit can happen anytime it wants, and I better be mentally ready. Then, surprise, surprise... today happened, and I became a street show with zero prep. I came home with my body feeling so tired, with every part of my body aching.

When I look back at all those things I was worrying about, I can't help but think how privileged I am. The thing is, we live in a very tough time right now. Not only in Indonesia, but the world is not doing well right now. Everything feels like a mess. Wars, genocide, disasters, unemployment, poverty, injustice. It feels like everything is falling apart. And me worrying about my car, like it's the end of the world, feels so mundane that it makes me feel ashamed just to think about it. I also feel so embarrassed by myself. There were periods in my life when I felt so content, so much in control of my emotions. Things like these would frustrate me, but I guess not to the point that I would be shaky, that it made my body ache. Today, I was worrying about something that can easily be solved, and I completely forgot about my privilege of easily solving this problem because I was too in shock, because I lost control of myself. This is why lately I've been feeling like my emotions have taken control of me. I found it really hard to control my emotions until I realized that they had taken control of me. Where did that Ina go? What happened? I'm not sure. Can I not stay in touch with myself when everything is stable and I'm happy? Maybe I haven't read enough lately, so I lost that time in my life when I could have a third-person conversation about myself with the book I read. Maybe I got tired of reading those self-help books lately because I thought they were lame--but now that I think about it, I think those books really helped me get in touch with myself. I just don't want to be the person I used to hate in the past, and I could slowly feel like I am becoming one, once again.

Am I thinking too much? Maybe, but how can you not? In 2025, I lived in both the US and Singapore. In those hypercapitalist countries, it's so easy to just think about yourself. Everything centered on me, my success, and my happiness. Life centered on living a comfortable life, with a big enough paycheck to enjoy it. The problem is, my life was very enjoyable. Not even enjoyable enough, but very enjoyable. Last year, I passed my prospectus defense, secured enough funding to do my fieldwork, and got a visiting fellow position that covered literally everything and even more, introducing me to so many new people, whom I was very lucky to have come across. But something just felt wrong, or perhaps missing. People say that when things go too right, you start to worry if this was actually bad. But thinking about it makes me feel ungrateful. Also, for real, living in a hypercapitalist society makes me feel like I'm losing my autonomy. It felt like I was being controlled by society, and that what I think about life doesn't really matter anymore. It's what others think of me that matters.

Last year, I also decided to stop taking my medication. I felt weird because I felt like I lacked emotions. I could be happy or sad, but I felt like I lacked empathy, which was so fucked up. It almost felt like I couldn't feel what other people were feeling, and I think I used to be good at it. Like, nothing bothered me, which was weird and annoying. Not that I was sensitive, but you know, I did get sad every now and then, but not to that level where you really felt it in your heart. And just like that, a week after I stopped taking my medication, I could feel all the emotions rush back into me. It was like a stream of emotions, and here I am writing this and trying to figure out what's been happening.

Six years ago, toward the end of 2019, I posted something on Instagram with the caption, 'I walked through 2019 wondering, 'Have I really known myself?'.' And now, in early 2026, I am asking myself the same question.