The year I turned thirty (2).

So, this is my second post under the same title and we are four days away from new year.

To be honest, it feels so strange leaving this year. Mostly cause I don't feel like I've lived it enough, and neither do any of us, I think. But it is what it is, twenty twenty is ending. I don't know if I should be grateful, as if my gratitude would make any difference. I look forward to see what twenty twenty one has to offer but I also have mixed feelings considering how gloomy twenty twenty has left us feel.

I am in Jakarta right now. Yep, another homecoming to celebrate my mom's bday on Christmas. It's been almost a week now and I'm still working. Yes, you're right, I'm not taking any leave. Well, truth be told, I feel bad for coming home, again this year, as I got to leave my team working alone without me. Though on the one hand I think it's a good exercise for them, but on the other hand, I think that I should've been there for them though I know they'd survive without me. Ok whatever. It's Sunday, so I decided to watch a movie I downloaded last month, it's called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Another drama with long dialogue which I love!

I don't really watch movies these days, tho I still do occasionally. I had this fling with a guy last summer, where we usually watched movies on the weekend at my place. It didn't last long, neither did the Netflix and chill thing. I went back to my routine soon as the office opened, and shortly after, things got back to normal. But now that I'm home, I've prepared myself with good books and list of movies.

I like the movie, first and foremost because she thinks books as a refuge, which is the highlight of this year for me.

Second, because she express her emotion better through words, like myself. Third, she goes to a place she never went to meet people she never met, after exchanging letters with a stranger. Because of why? Because she feels connected to the person who wrote her the letters. Fourth, she feels like she belongs somewhere else. It's mostly like she misses her past life she never knew existed, or as if there ever was such past to begin with. And lastly, I'm super glad (spoiler alert) that she choses the pig farmer guy instead of the rich well suited military man to marry. Why? Because for a woman like her, whom I clearly see myself in, a guy like that will never attract me. Not that they're bad, instead they are perfect according to social-urban-standard. But a guy like that don't make me feel alive, and I need to feel alive. And the fact that she proposes, instead of him. Well, I do have mixed feelings about it cause it looks scripted, but frankly speaking, it's also something I'd definitely do in the real world. When I feel it, I'll say it. So the line "I fall in love with you, so I thought I'd ask," that is something I'd say, but maybe.. in my case, not necessarily to get married. But yea, I agree, we live in a different era to the one on the movie.

The thing I love the most about movies is it gives me a sense of wander. Books take me to wonderland, while movies take me to places I'd rather be if not at home. I mean those are real places we see on screen, it's the meaning we put to those places that make them different. I've been reading a lot of books this year, and I finished them fast. The only meaningful activity that brought myself back, otherwise I'd keep floating. And movies, you know the feeling of being locked up and you have no idea what's the outside world looks like? That's the kind of feelings movies give me. It's hard not being able to travel, to go to places and meet people freely, to hug them and feel the sensation of being away from home and find ourselves in the middle. So twenty twenty probably the year I appreciate my freedom, and through movies, I realize how I've been taking it for granted through out these years.

I finished another book this afternoon, after lunch. It was the book my friend gave me, in which she said "I have this one book that I thought you would love." And she was absolutely right. The book called Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross with David Kessler. It was like the school of life but less philosophical. Took me a few days to finish 330 pages, with plenty of notes. I like the content of the book, but more importantly, the book has reminded me about all of the lessons I learned from Garik after he left us. Many of the lessons I am yet to master, but I am sure, he would very much appreciate my process. How does it feel to be thirty then? And how does it feel to know 2020 is ending?

Despite the heartbreak, I strangely feel more whole right now. I can still feel the pain attached to my skin, every time I see photos of his family together still makes my heart aches as I truly wish he'd be in it, and it still makes me want to cry every time I talk to his family. But regardless, I'm grateful. Last year, in the morning when I turned twenty nine, I had this stream of gratitude flowing through my skin. I was grateful for being alive, and I was grateful that I was surrounded by loving people. And this year, in the morning when I turned thirty, I was grateful that I could slowly feel again. I could feel love, compassion, and empathy better. I could value companionship, and more importantly, friendship better. I refuse to acknowledge Garik as my past, thanks to Yenny who assured me that he, indeed, will never be my past. He's part of my history, and he will always be there as I move forward in life.

Garik loved it when I don't judge people easily, and I know exactly how proud he would be if he knew that I begin to get better at it. Though it makes me sad that my progress is only for me to celebrate, but being thirty has taught me a lot about the idea of not having, and how to make peace with the desire and the longing. As it's especially with death that we have no control over. I learned the best lesson of surrender, and choosing my fight wisely. Recently, I talked to Garik's maternal grandmother. She asked me what do I teach, and I said I teach politics, my major is political science. She kinda froze for a bit, but then I continued by saying 'but I still know how to have fun. I love dancing too like you do." And then she laughed, and said that's excellent. Losing Garik has taught me a lot about how to not take life too seriously, how to have fun. It's something mentioned in the book as well, that dealing with the dying teaches you to appreciate the time better, like it is your last. I truly regret the conversations I missed with Garik because I was too busy working, even on the weekend. He never complained, he only said I was super busy that I barely made time for him. He's right, it's not worth it. Cause when he's gone, I had to redo everything, so what's the point of doing it all without him?

But it's life, I have to keep learning on how to forgive myself; to surrender to the law of nature that I have no control over. And know, that it's going to be a lot more redo in the future.

It's a strange time for everyone. I often think that God is being so kind to me that I am allowed to share my misery with the rest of the world. And just like how I finally learned to get back up again, in the face of the worst crisis, I know that we always have each other.