The Year of Insignificance; Welcome Back!

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"Buddha teaches us the art of cheerful despair."

I came across the line above a few days ago. I don't remember where, but it must have been from one of the Stoic books or articles I've read these past months.

I've been blogging forever until one day, I decided to quit, simply because everything about my life had gotten so personal, and I didn't think I was ready to meet the possibility of having people talk to me like;

"Hey, I read your blog the other day; I'm sorry for what happened."

It happened several times in the past, and I finally said to myself - No, you can't do this anymore. People need to talk to me personally to know what happened with my life with me. I realized that I tend to get too overwhelmed by the idea of writing out my feelings, so quitting writing publicly sounded like a good idea back then. Otherwise, I would have gone mad thinking about how detached I could become from myself. But it was then, not far from that day, that I grew a little bit older, wiser, and a little more attached, though not wholly, to myself. And look - here I am again!

It's been almost three years since my departure. Returning to the old home—what a humbling experience to have so many homes, knowing that the world is big and we are small. I still try to keep my conscience awake so that I don't become a working robot among the beauty life has given me. I want to feel alive.

Where am I? I am this cat napping on a hot roof on a windy afternoon. I dream of coming back, enjoying the sunset on the river, and reminiscing about my favourite sight.


As I stare at this screen, I remember the question I carry wherever I go; Can't we just enjoy what we have now when we have it? I know I've been asking too many questions in a world that has gone deaf. But what good can life do if it's not to answer the things that matter? I wonder. So, can we? We know some certainties about the future, one of which is death. What will happen before that is what we don't know. Sometimes, I got so done with anything mundane, anything familiar with earthly talking. I came home exhausted after spending all day with people - and that's when I think about tomorrow's uncertainties. Will it be like this again? I put on some poker face to be judged as one familiar being simply for being social and normal. While most of the time, the world becomes more like, I got this from my favorite movie (Mr. Morgan's Last Love), an unwelcome distraction. They are the crowd that clouds our vision.

"Is my now going to be like this, forever? Feeling so detached from the self I left in the crowd?"

Perhaps Buddha was right. We just have yet to master the art of living, the art of bridging the joy and agony we are all given in this one life.

Welcome back, clumsy clown!

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