Note to myself when it's done.

These past years I have been having this talk with my best friend about the meaning of my life. Why am I here? Why do I feel useless all the time? Have I been doing things that make this world a better place to live? Or have I become an ignorance grown up instead?

I wake up each morning, having my daily breakfast with bread and coffee, then go to work. I do what I have to do, being busy all day, getting all chatty with colleagues, sometimes I jog, sometimes I hang out and have some drinks with friends, sometimes I go straight home out of exhaustion, and most of the time.. I feel nothing. I help none, I make zero effort to make this world a better place to live. It makes me feel so worthless, hopeless, and sad. My life has no meaning, and when I die, I die for nothing.

Death is a friend of mine, I think about it all the time. It used to scared the shit out of me at first, but I started to get used to the idea of stop living. It somehow can sound better than anything mundane I could've imagined. I always thought, I will definitely die in peace if I have to die first before my parents. Because really, what my life would be without them. It has lost its meaning right now, and without them, it is nothing. I will also die in peace, if I have to die on my way or after I did selfless act like volunteering. To do something to someone who can never repay us is the reason why we are here on this planet as a social being - as why would we wake up each morning if it's not for the dream to make this world a better place to live. At last, I will definitely die in peace if in the face of adversities, I do not back down. I fight! I fight for what is right. I fight for those who cannot fight back. I fight to give this life the meaning it is yet to find.

In the light of last Sunday tragedy, my best friend has reminded me that maybe I am here for this. Maybe the answer to all of my hopelessness, worthlessness as a useless living being is to fight for children who are forced to live in a world where the grown beings have all gone deaf. It surely is disgusting. You cannot comprehend how disgusted they have made me feel. It's out of my mind, and I certainly don't understand how human being can tell me to stay silent, stay away from trouble, stay away from other people's private business. It ain't no private business when you slowly torture kids physically and mentally. What will they grow up to be when all the grown up around them refuse to speak up? For the sake of what? Pride? Material fucking nonsense! Oh you son of a bitch I despise you with all I might! Never have I hated someone as much as I do to you right now.

I cannot back down, even if you're telling me to, I will never back down. I have enough people who will always support me for what is right. I have enough people who will always think rational in a world that has gone mad. Because I know, I will never forgive myself, I will never die in peace if I stay silent for things that matter. For things that are too obvious it slaps my face hard got me all trembled and cried. And maybe this is why I'm here.

I always believe that God is the best scriptwriter, it will never be easy, it may not be kind, but it is what it is and what it is will always be right. I keep thinking how could I end up in that house that Sunday, why in such a random occasion it happened right in front of me, why do I experience something so unexpected and, oh God knows, I can never unsee. Yet I believe in God's script, I believe He has the hand to show me the right path for this life to find its meaning. I'm in no position to revise it, nor do I see the need to do so. I believe His hand, I believe that by following his sign, I will die in peace, I will leave a good mark, or at least not much will I regret, cause I chose to act in the face of adversities.

So one day, when it's done, I will say to myself; It was such a humbling experience living in your shoes, even just in a short period of time but at least you tried to spend it right. You did what needed to be done, you fought for those who were unheard, you listened for those who almost lost its voice, you hugged those who were alone in this world, and you became the person you have always dreamt to become. You didn't live your life for money, you finally realized that life is more than that. You didn't live your life for position, you finally realized that life is more than that. And you didn't live your life to be socially accepted and distance yourself from troubles, because you finally realized that by doing so your life will have no meaning - and to die in peace is the dream you carry to eternity. You spent enough time with your family and friends because you know who matters most. At last, you tried to be friend with yourself, the one who would be with you forever and last.