When the hearts break, and forgiveness is cheap.

This has been such a devastating week, I feel like I lose all my balance, my strength, my hope, all the courage I have in me suddenly disappeared in the face of domestic violence. It's real, it's sickening, and it's right in front of me.

It is much different and way much worse than you imagine it could be. Who needs love when it hurts more than it pleases? Who needs love when all it offers is fear? Who needs love when all it can cause is pain? And above all, you cannot call it love when what is shown is far from the act of love.

I went all weak, I couldn't sleep, I feel anxious all the time. My heart beats really fast knowing a monster lives around my family, and my family allows him to. You simply cannot cure a person when the person does not want to be cured. I may have never been in her shoes, but I saw what I saw, with my own eyes, and nothing about it can be justified as the right act. I said, nothing.

I wish I could put into words what I have in mind, my mind is a battlefield right now and I feel like losing.

Last Sunday (10 June 2018) was a tragedy. Although I don't have my own family yet, but I know something was off with this one. You don't talk nicely to your partner anymore, there is a visible distance, every small talk turns into an unnecessary debate, you have to constantly cry your heart out just to show him that he was overreacting, that what he did was wrong and vice versa. The blaming,  the constant debate, the constant yelling, the constant cursing. An adult who refuses to be criticised, an adult who despises his own child, an adult who thinks only he-knows-what's-right.

Until that day it exploded, you hit your wife for the multiple of times.

Until that day it exploded, you kicked your son for the glory of your pride - because You. Are. Always. Right.

And I was there standing still like a hopeless, stupid child. I was all tremble and about to cry. It was so chaotic, for a moment I thought I was in hell. It was so chaotic, for a moment I thought he was an evil - or maybe he is. None in the right mind would do what he did, and none in the right mind would ever feel okay to treat their loved ones with such cruelty and violence on a daily basis, just like what he did that I saw last Sunday. The kids and I were terrified that we packed our stuff as quickly as possible and got out of the house as fast as we could. The kids said they are terrified even just to imagine that one day they have to go back to that house and live with him again. They said it has to be the last time, and for fuck sake if it wasn't the last time, I will never have a good night sleep ever again for the rest of my life.

While it turns out that it may not be the last time. Forgiveness has become so cheap, an ocean of tears can buy it. Sorry has lost its meaning, for the sake of pride, life has lost its value. What do we do? I can't stop crying. Why do we stay for the love that makes us suffer? Why do we stay for the love that could've killed us. Domestic violence is no joke, you could've been killed before you kill yourself out of stress. I now feel anxious all the time thinking about other's decision to stay in such an abusive relationship that already cause a mom and her kids mental and physical exhaustion. If the adults decided to make such decision for staying in an abusive relationship, can't we all concern about the kids? I see the hopelessness in them, they cried, they screamed, they asked for help for this to end yet none seems to listen. I wish I could stay here, I wish I could grasp them, hug them a little longer and take them with me. I'm sure my home is better than yours, my heart is as big as the ocean to have you in there with me. There will be no more hurt, at least I won't let you know when it happens. Let the adults take care of all the mess and you stay on track growing up with love, kindness and compassion. I'll give you a save harbour, no more fear, only love. The real one.

I am so sick, we can't back down. There is no way back. Women have to move forward fighting for their voice to be heard. We have to break this endless cycle of this fucking patriarchal society that put us deep down in the hole of fear and silence. I have never been so mad in my whole entire life for this culture of male domination that almost killed my sister and already traumatised her kids! An act of one sick man that even a bunch of educated people can do nothing about.

What do we do?

Can we even forgive ourselves when the worst has already been done? Can we?

I won't watch any longer, I won't let my tears go to waste.

I want to have my good night sleep back, and so do the kids.