Hello darkness, my old friend.

Oh, hi there!

It's actually been fifteen minutes since I wrote the title,

 and I still pretty much have no idea what to write on this page.

Where am I?

That's the question I ask myself almost everyday.

I am in Jakarta right now, geographically. I just finished lunch with my old time college friend who works around here (Cikini), who just finished her master last year in Singapore, and who just told me she's getting another job in ASEAN next month. I'm happy for her, she deserves better. Not that her current job is not good enough but she's been there for 5 goddamn years and still no signal for permanent position. So, the concept of having another job with better experience and better money definitely make more sense. Or maybe, above all, I'm happy for her because she knows where she's going and life excites her more than it does to me.

Around a week before I left to Jakarta, I finally decided to see a doctor. It was quite possibly the best decision I've made in a really, really long time. I couldn't help it. That Wednesday morning, I woke up with fear. Fear of living it for the rest of my life. Then my body started aching, my heart was about to jump out of my chest, I was trembling and although I wanted so bad to hide under the blanket but I decided to grab my phone and check doctor schedule. I didn't book it right away, I wasn't sure if it's something myself has longed for. So I had a quick breakfast, took a shower without washing my hair which made me look like a total mess. I arrived in campus and wanted so bad to cry but I couldn't, my consciousness took over my tears and for a million times over it asked "why the heck should you cry, dude? You got everything fine" the thought that led me to book my appointment soon as I could before I changed my mind again. Few hours went by, I told some people that I'm about to have this meeting that afternoon with one of senior doctors (which I love) at that hospital. The idea of having a young doctor knowing what's going on exactly in my head makes me very, very anxious. I love the wisdom of old people, not that they are smarter, but I really like the idea of someone has gone through so much that they worry less about what comes ahead. So unlike me. Or maybe, everything about this world makes me anxious and the only thing I master in this world is to make myself feel small in this huge universe.

I almost missed my appointment, as I thought his practice last til sometime around 5pm when the truth is only until 4.30pm. So I rushed to the hospital at 4 and I thought I wasn't gonna make it but I did, cause it's Jogja and the traffic only lasted for 5-10 minutes at worst. I was his last patient. He was such a friendly old man, I really like him. If only he was my colleague, I would definitely come visit him too often I bore him. The moment I entered his room, I began trembling again although I did almost all day but I'm pretty sure it was worse. He started to ask me about my family, my job, my background, and by the time he asked me about the reason why I came, I just bursted out crying. I couldn't help it and I didn't know why and I wondered so bad what he did and what he had that made me cry so bad like a stupid baby (though you may never call a baby stupid and if you do then it's you that are stupid). I believe I told him everything I could describe about the life I've been living with inside my head that apparently makes no sense for many people, at least that's what I think. He made some conclusions, gave me prescription and told me to go back in two weeks, which is next week cause there were days where I didn't drink my med due to my toothache.

Everyone asked me how I felt after the meeting. I told them I wasn't sure, but the only thing I was sure about was after the meeting I spent all night and all morning crying out of nothing. I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop and it made me feel so fucking good!

How have I been feeling? After few days of consuming the meds, I feel like my head is empty which is super good. It used to be super crowded before. I became more chill, and the most important is I fear less and less about things that do not exist, yet the worst part is I feel sleepy all the fucking time. Like dude, I just fucking woke up five/six hours ago how come do I want to sleep again when there are bunch of things to finish. So I praise the Lord for coffee, though my coffee is not considered as coffee by many but I simply don't give a fuck. It works with me why should I bother listen to what others have to say about what works for me. Then Jakarta sounded like a good idea.

I came home to Jakarta for several reasons, but first and foremost was probably to reassure that whether or not I really have a feeling for someone. I crave for feelings, I want to feel something again. My friends told me that I let myself bounded to social construction that as a being we need to have certain feelings towards someone and binds ourselves to it. At least, for them, that is my best attempt to make me feel normal. I don't blame them, cause it makes sense and there is, indeed, a thought of it in my head but there are plenty of others that left unexplained and that they don't know. So yea, I met someone, and another one. It wasn't my first meeting with the someone, and as I recall.. it was our third. After a long period of time being single, he's the only one I find attractive which is a bit surprising. I've never been this closed before, yet never been too open either. We had lunch and talked for few hours. It was lovely and quick as always. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I had a long, deep, lovely talk with opposite sex.. and my last time would go to one and only person, of course. If the question is "how do I feel about it?" the answer is I don't know, but it strangely kinda gives me a little bit of joy and makes me kinda want to smile for a bit when I think of it - though I'm not sure which part that I like best. But God oh God, it feels so good to feel something again, and I should thank him which I will, a little later tonight. I don't know how he feels about it, I didn't even bother to ask and there were too many questions I forgot to ask that I only remember when I got home. Do I regret it? Maybe not, I'd probably do the same if I had to do it all over again. 

Then I continued the day with meeting the other one who was the total opposite of the someone. The someone doesn't want me, one way or another I just knew it. Though it may not seem fair cause I don't even know what I want and maybe I'm just selfish. This isn't about me with anyone, maybe this is just about me with myself. But dear oh dear.. life is so strange, I wonder. The one you want doesn't want you yet the one you're not sure about wants you. The meeting with the other one was okay. We had a huge dinner. It's just too fucking bad I couldn't feel the love even though it was really obvious that it's there. But shit! I couldn't feel it. It's just so fucked up cause I really want to feel it but it's simply not there in me. They said I lose the romance, and it's hard to get it back as I've moved too far away from the track. On the other hand, I told my friend I will quit trying to seek clarity of my feelings from the someone, so yea.. today I decided is going to be the last day of me trying. I don't even know what I want anyway, I must quit playing with emptiness and seeking certainty when what is certain frightens me.

What I really miss probably those evenings I spent by the Volga. The morning I spent having breakfast and reading long heartfelt email. The long weekend morning walk on a sunny yet windy February. Fancy birthday lunch, and countless birthday letters. And dear Lord, I wonder so bad whether they can still bring me joy. I want to feel something, and the feeling of joy or love definitely sounds perfect. But where are they to be found? Anything but fear, please. Because, even a casual night I had last night made me feel afraid of no reason, then I remember I haven't taken my meds. I laughed at myself looking at her shadow in the window from my car seat

"look where life takes you little darling. Just hang in there, you got this!"

My quick Jakarta trip will end tonight. I feel a bit recharged, which was the reason why I came here in the first place. It feels so good to meet some closest friends, and have such a long quality talk a long the way. I always love my home, with everything it has to offer, to feed this dark empty soul. HAHA.. that's too much. Jogja has been crowded as well, but no matter how crowded Jogja becomes, it still remains empty for me. But Jakarta is different, no matter how empty the city becomes at night, it still brings so much light and life to me. It's always made me feel full and optimistic. I should have spent more time here at home, and see where life is going to take me next week on my next appointment. Wish me luck! (fingercrossed)