All we have is now.

Even in some nights I can't see you in the dark,

tonight I decided to turn off the light.

Meeting people now is different, I just feel detached instantly. I am not talking about opposite sex, I am talking about people in general. Though I have some close friends, but I think I only have Yenny as the one who knows me best. She's like my other self, it doesn't take much time to define the situation even when we don't always agree on everything, we probably share the same rationality for a lot of things in life.

Yenny and I lived under the same roof for quite some times in the past. She witnessed many young behaviour I tried to hide from my parents, obviously. Haha. There are simply so many things I am grateful about meeting her. She was my first friend in college. That day I left my phone at home and I needed a phone to call my brother to bring it to campus for me, so I asked her. I simply had no friends back then and my friends did not make it easier either to have one, though I did eventually. So, we became friends ever since. We both came from Jakarta, that's a good start. I honestly don't remember much what we did before you moved in, but one thing for sure my ex-boyfriend and his roommate helped her move her stuff from her old kos to my home, so it was probably around 2011, which also the year I met Garik. Then they two became friends. :))

I learned a lot from her. I simply don't know how she managed her composure in times of sorrow but she's strong as hell. And she arose from hardship, to become the woman she is now with grace and faith. I have never once doubted her ability to rise, to have the life she's always dreamt of. She worked hard when all I did was having fun with my crush. I didn't know what life was probably til I met her, for me life was simple. You plan your future, then you do things in accordance to your list. It is very unlikely for things to go wrong, though it happened and when it did.. I went mad. It was usually her and Madha who comforted me, although lately they got tired cheering me up for my nonsense grief. I have never asked people to celebrate my accomplishment, my parents always had it for me, my boyfriends always had it for me. And when I began to earn my own money, I celebrate whenever I feel like celebrating. I grew up having my parents taught me empathy in theory, how to always be kind - not because we want to be treated that way, but because everyone deserves to be treated that way. Later in life I met Yenny, who taught me how to implement the lesson my parents have taught me. What has she done? I don't know. Maybe she's just being who she is, unapologetically. Unlike me, I feel fake sometimes.

She knows how terrible I was, and probably still am with men. I figure it's better for anyone who's trying to approach me to have a talk with her first as she makes things easier for me to understand. And.. it's true. But before that, I just spent a nice Sunday walk with her two months ago that my future self might want to see a glance at it.

So the year she moved to my home and became a part of it ever since, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend who helped her and met Garik. Even Garik loved her more than me, but I maintained my presence and made sure he's still mine. Haha.

I just talked to him the other day and it feels like we haven't talked for ages that I even forgot how comforting it was talking to him. Garik and I exchange so many words in length of 8 years. There was one funny story that he once sent me a birthday letter when I was in Russia and the letter arrived exactly on his birthday (February 15)! Looked like the universe knew we had to celebrate it together for once. Everyone who knows us have often asked me about him, and I guess we're always okay - if that's what you want to hear.

I love Garik, I love Yenny, I love Madha.

Except for Madha (who is my biological brother), the rest are like family to me. I don't think I will ever, ever stop loving them. Even just to think about it, has made me sad already. I rarely feel love, like very very rare. I don't think it's fair when the relationship ended, the love must end as well. It's there, why bother much about thing that binds us while we have no idea what that is and why should we obey them. I don't praise physical attachment, I crave emotional attachment. It makes me feel complete, happy, and above all, hopeful. I can talk to him for hours and hours and hours without having a single fear of being judged. There are so many things trapped in my head and it always makes sense talking to him, well not always; I should really maintain my daily dose of him as if I get overdose, I might not like him as much! Hahaha. Good thing is, he knows it. It makes sense with him, and it's super worth it to have spent these past 8 years connecting as I feel like we are really connected. It always brings smile to my face for the rest of the day having him in the morning. Yet neither of us should never say we should do this more often as we always ended up breaking each other promises, so it's good to just keep things on the sail and see where the wind will take us :)

I've been trying to find life in other people's life lately as I've been failing to find mine. It was so rewarding, liberating at the same time heartwarming. I often spent the night thinking about what great of a person they are, and how can I be like them? There are just simply certain degree of niceness that gets me. I never admire professionally successful people, but I always thrive  to be those people who have this super positive aura that I can never explain but it's there and it makes me want to cry as my heart gets really warm watching them treating other people so nicely. I met some of them recently, how lucky I know! I was like super click, I couldn't tell how much I wanted to spend more time with them but at the same time I always enjoy short encounter as it gives more meaning to presence.

I used to try to find my soul on the beauty of the universe I was surrounded myself with. I've been trying to used the same method lately but it slightly became absurd, I got too caught up with work - the universe suddenly becomes my office. So, meeting new people turn out to be an option and there are probably the whole universe inside them. It is true that I have never loved anyone as much as I love the absurdity that makes me mad, but maybe.. it is not as complicated as I once thought it was. I have so much love for my family, close friends, lover, and even though I may not be the best lover but I'm pretty romantic myself. As it is now that I have, maybe having the now is enough and knowing there are still people I can't live without right now is enough than having nothing at all - than feeling nothing at all.