"What if it hurts like hell?"

Pauline Laubie: Why did you stop loving life?

Matthew Morgan: Well, you don't love life itself.

You love, uh, places, animals, people, memories, food, literature, music.

And sometimes you meet someone...

who requires all the love you have to give.

And if you lose that someone,

you think everything else is gonna stop too.

But everything else just keeps on going.

Giraudoux said, you can miss a single being,

even though you are surrounded by countless others.

Those people are like... like extras.

They cloud your vision, they're a meaningless crowd.

They... They're an unwelcome distraction.

So you seek oblivion in solitude.

But solitude only makes you wither.

Those are my favourite lines from one of my favourite movies called Last Love. And that picture above is Matthew and Pauline, the two main characters in the movie. Matthew lost his wife a few years back, and he began to stop loving life since. One day he met Pauline on a bus, and they became friend since. What do they do? Well, not much. They eat sandwich in a park (seen above), the have lunch, they spend weekend in a cottage somewhere in French suburb, Matthew joins Pauline's dance class, they have dinner, and most of the times, they talk. I like movies with long meaningful dialogues, not necessarily the sad ones. Of course, I like before trilogy - which I thought my life would turn out to be like Celine and Jessie, but oh dear silly me, who am I to control my fate? :)

Almost a week ago, I came home late after dinner with a friend. As usual, soon as I got home, I had myself some fruits while having conversation with my parents then went upstairs to relax. I was chatting with Yenny (as per usual) when I checked my email. I was startled to saw an email from a familiar last name. Familiar subject. It was more of a deja vu than curiosity, like I was surprisingly prepared to see one. Have I seen it before? In my dream, maybe? I couldn't really tell. I simply can't mention the name, it was way too personal but I became so numb the second I read the second sentence. I died a little. My future began so blurry. I spent the rest of the night crying. It was simply the worst night, I can't imagine anything worse. My true love has gone. On his last email, he wrote me 'keep metabolising, there are much we must do together.' There are, indeed, much we must do together and now I don't know how to do it all alone. There are plans that I know I will do it myself that I also know will make you happy, laugh, and above all super proud of me. But then now, what's the point of doing them anyway? Had I not lost you that Saturday, I wouldn't ever understand the world where everything becomes pointless, where tomorrow feels more of a tragedy than a blessing. I can only imagine that there are going to be a lot of moments in my life that I want you to know so bad it hurts not seeing your smile, and read your encouraging words. And does it even matter now? I don't know.

In our last conversation, I told you that I couldn't believe you're going to be 30 next year, it's crazy  to remember that we met when we're twenty one, and it's even crazier knowing how seldom we stood under the same sun! But it's impossible to imagine my life and my future without you in it. The older I get, the more make sense your presence in my life. I am honestly still at lost for words, trying to digest everything, trying to make sense of things. Understanding that there is going to be a huge absence in my life forever. There is a hole in my heart, and instead of being healed, I get drown deeper in it each day. My body is aching, I even get tired of taking my meds. I've been talking to your father! Can you believe that?! It's even crazier to know how easy it is to talk to him. And again, you were right of something you told me seven years ago, maybe I would get along pretty well. And maybe I should have said more yes than no to you.

There are two songs keep playing in my head, first is the The Lumineers - Sleep on the Floor

"If the sun don't shine on me today

And if the subways flood and bridges break

Will you lay yourself down and dig your grave

Or will you rail against your dying day"

and Snow Patrol - What if This is All the Love You Ever Have?

"What if this is all the love you ever get?

You'd do a couple things so differently, I bet

What if this is all the love I ever know

I'd say the words that were so hard to say, don't go

So you've fallen in love

So you've fallen apart

What if it hurts like hell

Then it'll hurt like hell

Come on over, come on over here

I'm in the ruins too

I know the wreckage so well

Come on over, come on over here"

I never thought a song could speak so loud like it does to me now.

What do I imagine now about tomorrow? Hmm.. There is a possibility of me going to national park next month, there is a possibility of me traveling alone this year, there is a possibility of me going abroad this year or next, there is a possibility of me living abroad again soon, there is even a possibility of me living in America if I want - though now I have no reason to do so but I know you'll be happy if I do, and there is even a possibility of me meeting you. But sadly, I don't know if I believe in the after life and that is something I'd die to discuss with you. Let's pray you'll meet me when I sleep and tell me everything about it like you always did. As now, you're officially immortal. You're not going to ever turn thirty,  you will remain twenty fucking nine forever and there is still a possibility of me being really old and so ugly you won't recognise me - but still, you will still love me for my tiny eyes, you're not going to ever marry me, there's no way we can have cute kid together, there's no way we can adopt many kids together, and there's no way we live in the same place together. Call me selfish, but the thought of it, again, makes me die a little.

I am, indeed, in the ruins.

So let me just leave you there. As told by your father, maybe I can find the words better after I've gotten through everything. After we all have gotten through everything. It could be tomorrow, next month, next year, or any day in the future that none really knows exactly when. And maybe, Matthew was right, I don't really love life itself, I love everything that makes life possible, that makes life into being, and sadly, one of them is you.