Things we talk about when the light's out. (1)

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I'm away from home again right now, another fieldwork - or let's just say, another attempt to getaway from life, though life follows me here as I'm here for work. But it's certainly better to stay at home and following the routine that drives me mad.

I've been lost in touch with myself, probably, for these past two weeks. I feel so detached from myself and my emotion. It felt like I was floating sometimes, I felt weightless for not knowing where I was and my existence on this planet. I met plenty of new people, but they're like clouds. I've been having a hard time with my memory, I keep forgetting things; places I've been, things I did, people I met, conversation we had, and the feelings I thought I felt. It reached its fucking peak last weekend. I didn't even know what happened but I died inside. My head froze, or worse, it constantly telling me to end this all. Not only did I feel the dark cloud hanging in my head, but everything about life became dark, it was so hard to go on living.

I went to places we went and planned on going. I went to the temple, my fav one that you always asked to visit every time you came to visit me. Knowing how fond I was, and still am, to that place, it always felt nice to just come and sit in silence enjoying each other company. It was hard going there again knowing I'll never go there again with you and never again able to have meaningful conversation with you, I saw you in every place we've been. Again and again I felt myself died a little.

Then I went to Merapi. It was empty, cloudy, and full of cliffs I couldn't escape the thought of jumping. They're not so pretty but I just thought it might be nice to leave this heavy head I got tired of carrying. I did countless of stupid things, I said countless of meaningless words. I feel so ashamed, stupid, worthless, just all at once - of something I know not what! It's just crazy how much I've grown hate towards myself.

Sometimes I hate myself for being too social. It's hard to wrapped myself around the idea that your life isn't only your own, throughout your journey, you've perhaps conscious and unconsciously shared it to people you've encountered and shared meaning with and you existence suddenly becomes matter to them even more than it does to you. You realize then that you become so selfish to think that you live alone and the only responsibility you have is only to yourself. It kinda leaves me wonder.. oh how nice it is just to live alone and when you're gone, you'll hurt none; you don't transfer your pain to anyone; you just live and gone and no matter how lonely it may seem, it matters not.

But can I live like that? Well, maybe I can tho it's lonely but it's simple. You know I always seek simple life, the one I cannot have - or my mind just would't let me to have. Yet fuck! Do I have control of my mind or my mind controls me?

Okay, I'm just gonna leave you there while I'm out having cheap breakfast I know I won't enjoy.

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