Sunset and cold beers.

Oh hi, I'm at the airport again but only this time, on my own. I don't remember when, but I really do embrace my own company after days being surrounded by people.

I've been spending this past week in Bali, five days of working and two full days of relaxing - though I spent half of the day working. It's crazy how productive I could get during my days off. I think, ever since Garik died, I constantly need some cozy time alone with myself to think about everything that happened for at least the past week or so. The simple questions of how's life going so far; did I encounter happy moments; have I done anything worth it for my future; am I ready to love and be loved again; what kind of love that I want; you're broke! Haha, well that's the fact but I've never been more alive, at least since May 2019.

One of the questions that has been lingered in my head since Garik died was 'am I gonna fall in love again?' I reckon that's a shallow question, I know, but it seems impossible now that I'm alone. It took me eight years to realize that I, in fact, fell for Garik. I was head over heels, I came back to him each time. He understood that since day one, my work had always come first and not once he complained. And now I feel stupid, it didn't worth the memory I could had spent with him. My soul felt complete when I talk to him, it's crazy to realize that maybe I was and still not as complete on my own. But I'm trying.

I've been spending these past few days with an old friend. He's been a good friend of mine since high school. I think he's the closest male friend I have from high school, he's the only friend who came to the airport before I left to Russia. I remember he was all teary watching my mom cried. We didn't meet each other often, but we made time every now and then. I don't remember how it started, and how we did it, but we've remained close for these past thirteen years?! It all worked out probably because we never dated and whatever. Although I thought several times of doing so, like last night, but I keep thinking 'does commitment worth this good of friendship?' and no seems to be the answer. I don't trust myself enough to deal with all the burdens that come with commitment.

But I had a great time, and for now it all that matters. I've been really enjoying our time together this past week. After all, only few things better than having meaningful conversation by the beach, with beautiful sunset and bottles of cold beers. I feel like we grew up together, and it feels good to know that you're not alone throughout this tough journey of development. Have we gotten better with time? If I could be the judge, I would very much say yes. We've become much wiser, calmer, we listen to each other better, we have more experience from which we learned a lesson. We spent hours of talking, and shit it made me feel whole. Only very few people could make me feel whole, and the very person who could was Garik. It was so refreshing talking to him, maybe because we've known each other for so long. As Garik would say 'I don't know if I meet you today, would I come and start a conversation with you, I might have been too tired to talk to stranger' haha but it's true. I know that I'm still young, but it feels like I've lived long enough to start with someone new. Even though, now, in my case, looks like I have no option but to do so. At last, I still felt empty and distance sometimes, but at least I knew I loved being there with him, and it felt sooooo good to be vulnerable again, to shared the madness I had within, the value I hold so dearly, and the beliefs only some people understand. I tried so hard to be present, to reminded myself that moments like that won't last forever and none can guaranty that tomorrow can give you a day as beautiful as it was, so though my mind often forced to jump to the future and be all gloomy that such day won't happen again, I told myself that even that tomorrow never comes, at least I have today, and it's beautiful, and I should be grateful.

For all the goods I had, something always bothered me. I've left out with one question: for all the times we spent together, have I really known him? And more, have I ever really known Garik, and all of the exes with whom I spent years together. When I heard stories people told me about my exes, it saddened me to realize how unfamiliar I was with their experience with him, then I thought 'who are you talking about? Do I know him?' I've always been so afraid of being a taker, it makes me feel useless as a human, and to some extent knowing that I apparently know nothing about the person I spent years together, scared me. Am I really that selfish that I couldn't care about anything but myself? When I took a shower this morning, I couldn't help but think 'do I know him aside from the latest version he showed me last night?' I don't know the answer. Don't you think it's crazy to be with someone for so long and the only thing you could say about him is 'well yea, he's nice' and the fuck with niceness?! And suddenly the thought of 'I felt complete when I was with him' feels absurd. Who is he when he's not nice and uneasy to talk to? Do I not know or have I always refused to know?

I find my selfishness is unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being too hard on myself, it's just I think I've created the whole world inside my head that sometimes, I don't love the person in front of me, instead I like the idea of him. He fills the dots I have created long ago and I don't necessarily see him as the person he is, but the person I like to see that matches my dots. So, I don't really spend time getting to him with the aim of knowing who he really is, but to prove that he does, meet my expectations. At least from it I learned another lesson of why I stick with friendship, cause commitment is one great of a burden. So many compromises that I am yet ready to make, but I'm getting there. I learned the lesson.

I'll go back to Bali soon, I love the freedom. It feels like a quick stop now that I find myself again, but I also know it feels that way because there's someone familiar there that brought the old life I dearly miss, and my old self I thought I'd lost. And don't forget the beautiful sunset, and the long walk, I just hate the heat, though it's better than the rain.