God's grace.

“One must not allow the clock and the calendar

to blind him to the fact that

each moment of life is a miracle - and a mystery.”

Sharma, on The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

It was Garik's birthday three days ago. He would've turned 30 if he's still around. Not once I imagined I'd celebrate his birthday alone, not being able to say happy 30th birthday to him. Wishing is one thing, while reality is another.

I was in Jakarta that day - in fact, I just got back last night. I was super busy preparing my school application that I canceled all the plans I made, typical me I thought I could finish em all pretty fast, forgetting how such a slow learner I've always been. Don't get me wrong, I knew that his birthday was coming and I'm grateful that I was fully occupied that day. Exactly the day before, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that I went to his engagement party, and he was still alive. Even in my dream, I thought it was a dream - you know the movie inception, yes I thought I was in a dream in my dream. He was there, dress up in familiar suit, my heart sank when he touched me. I couldn't careless to know that he's about to marry another woman. It was surreal already to have seen him there standing, and alive. I hated how conscious I was to this physical world that even in my dream, I was wondering whether all this was a lie. But it was like he had no idea what's been going on, and I was super sad to live with this agony on my own. Is this even real? He touched me without saying a word, just smiled. And out of the blue I told him it's okay. He smiled. Then I woke up.

The second I opened my eyes, I got drown into the hole that's been remained wide open in my chest. I wanted to cry so bad but I got no time to be sad at that moment. I got so much to finish that day. That day, I told my friend 'you know what? I believe it's true when people say: you're not sad, you just need to think about something else and keep yourself busy, busy enough to forget how to live.' Sometimes it confused me who's luckier, I who live, or he who died. Yet a lot of times I remind myself, be grateful that you're here,

be grateful that your family is still complete,

be grateful that you have one of world's greatest supporting system,

be grateful that you have one of world's best working environment,

be grateful that a lot of people care about you,

be grateful that you have everything you need in your hand,

and be grateful that you live,

you're healthy,

and be grateful that you have a hope.

I've been planning on sending his mother an email on his birthday. But since I got so caught up with all of those applications, I made an excuse to postpone it til later that day. What happened was his mother sent me an email first around midnight there. They're so kind and welcoming I don't know what have I done right to deserve them. Without them I'm clueless about my future, let alone having a hope. It's hard enough to rationalize all of these. Since he died, which was nine months ago, I simply couldn't think about anything else but him. What I do with my life is a routine, and when everything's done, he rushed back in. When all of these mundane things done, he came back to me and made me talk to myself about my day, whom I met, what lessons I learned, and what kind of person I want to be tomorrow. He was proud of me being a better person, my job and everything I've achieved are extras, but me being a better person than myself yesterday, was the most important. I loved him for that and I know, I always will.

Sometimes I think about life as, indeed, a miracle and a mystery all at once. And God has been super kind. It still frustrates me to think about the after life, nor do I know how to make sense of it all. What will happen when we die? Is it even possible to feel the love without having the ability to feel pain? How do you know what is love when you have no idea how it feels to be hurt. There's no way you can be happy without having the knowledge of being sad. But who am I to question God's grace? I try to distance myself from anyone who tried to approach me, I always think that life is short and I don't want to carry the burden of dependency. I think what makes death so painful is to have the knowledge that your passing will cause so much pain to those you love the most, and what can be worst than that? Yet Maya Angelou said to love is to let go. I'm dying to know whether Garik is happier right now. What do I get by knowing? Peace, maybe. To grieve in peace.

I feel comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Communicating with his parents have been the most amazing thing. The company of my parents, and everyone around me. But I can't talk about things like this to anyone but him - that's why I made this all public since. About simple things I feel, and about stuff that are only need to be heard. I miss him saying 'look at you and look how much you've grown!'

I've been feeling hopeful - and positive. Though my temper has been off-limits lately, but I tried to keep my calm and not meeting too many people. Socializing is exhausting, I know. Even when I know I'm pretty good at it, but still, too much of it will kill me. I go out when I need to go out, I make contact when human contacts are needed, but I set my priority straight; to get important shits done and keep my sanity on track. It's been good, and again, God's been good, and I couldn't be more grateful.