Anniversary.

May 8, 2019. It was Wednesday last year, I remember vividly I was teaching my first class of the day when Garik texted me asking if I had time that day to talk to him. I told him that I'd be fully occupied til 12pm, but I'd be around at lunch time. He said he had to go to bed early, so long story short, we didn't talk that day. Little did I know, that was the last message he ever sent me.

It's been a year since. My body still aches remembering that day, the more I think about it, the more I regret. I'm still trying to figure out what had happened last year, I often found myself scrolling my gallery just trying to figure out the feelings I had in 2019. Nothing. I saw glimpses, soulless encounters, empty moments, did I lose myself last year? I don't know. Love is simply the hardest thing to do, and once it's found, it becomes the hardest thing to forget. How funny, I used to be so cynical about it but look at myself now, have never been more miserable.

Talking to his mother has been my best remedy, and reading. I miss him, a lot. And it makes me really sad, and I know he'd hate me for it. Yenny has been my best listener, and so have my colleagues. I agree that I really need to stop talking about him, as if he was still here, as if it was my fault. On our last conversation I told you before, Yenny told me 'Garik will always be a part of you, today, tomorrow, until you find another, until you get married have kids and grandkids, he'll always be a part of you. And even in your fifties, thinking about him will still make you sad, but that's it. That is it. He's gone, he's no longer here. You have to move on. It's been a year, how long are you going to be like this? Comparing everyone you meet with him. There's only one Garik in this world, there will never be two. Accept it, and move on!' I cried a little but then it made me smile remembering how much Garik liked Yenny, I like her too :)

On my last email to his mother, I told her 'I feel like sometimes remembering Garik is like catching a shadow, so frustrating it feels really close I cannot grasp it.' Those feelings are beautifully interpreted in the book I just recently finished called The School of Life, to which Alain de Botton said 'We are often brought to tears not so much by what is horrible as by what is beautiful but out of reach.' This is how books have been helping me, it changes my perspective towards reality - as it's supposed to be. Your twenties are certainly not the easiest period of your life; you enter adulthood, you become more conscious of who you are as a person and the world surrounds you, you try hard to stay present yet at the same time you feel so anxious about what the future holds, you try hard to choose the career path that suits your passion at the same time you think about bills to pay and bigger responsibilities require bigger income, and guess what? Choosing a partner is one hell of a ride. And Garik has always been with me every step of the way in my twenties, he was the beginning and my end of my twenties. He was so beautiful that it makes me cry often to think about entering a new decade without him.

However, things been done, words been said. Maybe the moment we have everything in life figured out is the moment we die, which means making peace with the unknown. He was so beautiful to me, and I just don't want to spend another day remembering him in misery. He is, indeed, out of reach, but that doesn't make him any less beautiful to me; as a person and as the memories I will forever cherish.

I said often that I no longer look for happiness, I look for peace, peace of mind. If you want to learn more about it, you can read Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now. If you map out the books I read that have helped me remain calm, you will find that all of them are Stoics. I know it's common, but it's incredibly hard to apply, which everything in life is about perspective. We can never change the situation, but we can always change our perspective towards them. On his current interview, Alain de Botton reminded me of the true wisdom of a Stoic 'A Stoic won't force you to feel hopeful and optimistic in times of crisis, instead it matters to acknowledge the worst and know, that even the worst is survivable.' Yes, the art of surviving. I know exactly that the first thing that has helped me survive this battle is through the change of perspective. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him alive again, nothing. I have been feeling lonely, empty, hopeless, and even the thought of death didn't escape me. But he died and I live. He was so beautiful and so is life, and so far I survived, I didn't kill myself last year. I live, and there are many people who love me that have helped me live. I spent so much time on my own just thinking about what it all meant, and I come to conclusion that maybe, I don't only live for myself, the humility of thinking how amazing it is to live for others. It's not losing control, instead your selflessness has brought you to the life that is full of meaning. Small stuff no longer bothers you, you only focus on important stuff, you embrace the presence of people in your life, you give encounter no expectation cause what matters is what's in front of you, you don't judge people, you respect people's perspectives but also you know how to filter their presence in your life, few things disappoint you, you don't hold grudge against people, you become more present and what can be more important that that?

If there's one thing I learned from a heartbreak is to get drown to deepest and darkest part of your soul then you swim yourself up to the surface just to find yourself floating in middle of the ocean, on your own. And all the sudden a year has passed, you've reached the shore, you drink tea before bed, and you're a changed person - thankfully and hopefully, only for the better.

I've been blessed with the great quality of people I've surrounded myself with, and certainly Garik is one of them. He's always been the most beautiful gift. I must be so lucky to have someone whom I love so dearly that losing him makes my world crumbles and my mind lose its rotation. Even when I don't have the privilege of having him in my life forever, still I thank him for having crossed my path.

It's been a year, my love.

And I miss you everyday.