The year I turned thirty.

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Oh hi, I just turned thirty last week. I know right?! It's frustrating, how can I suddenly be thirty?

It was a happy day. I booked a hotel room and spent a night with my closest friends. I planned on staying up late but I got too tired that I fell asleep at 9pm. So there was neither making wishes nor blew the candle. I turned thirty in my dream and when I woke up, I already was thirty and was officially older than Garik.

Someone asked me recently about my thoughts of turning thirty. I haven't thought about it but I definitely will write a long email to him explaining how thirty has been treating me. Now that I think about it, well.. I think it's humbling and sad. I certainly feel a lot more mature now than I have ever been, but at the same time I terribly miss Garik even more than I have ever felt. I miss my days in Russia; the Christmas dinner, the winter stroll, the chilly weather, being the stranger nobody wished to meet, I miss coming home to talk to him, I miss waking up to his face, I miss writing to him, I miss reading his email, I miss his little celebration, I miss waking up to his letters, I miss texting him I miss him, I miss his text telling me he missed me, I hate using past tense every time I talk about him, I wish I could love myself more even without him telling me he loved me, even without him telling me I'm worthy.

I had a major cry last month. It was late evening after a quick drink session with my colleagues. After I heard about the Fulbright, I barely had time to think about what had just happened. My days were full with documents preparation, study, study, study, test, test, test. I had to email everyone as I needed everyone's input. I texted everyone as I needed everyone's opinion. I talked to his parents, they helped me picking up schools, they offered to help me with anything that might help with the preparation. His mother sent me gift that will only arrive the day after tomorrow, and it's been a month and a half! I can't wait to open it! And so, how did the major cry happen? I felt empty. And maybe one day I could explain things better.

Yet even when next year I don't get the school, perhaps, I'd feel nothing.

So for now, the year I turned thirty was the year I went numb.

I'll go back to you soon enough.


The morning I turned thirty.

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