Flourishing.

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In my 20s, I:
  1. Met my true love at the age of 20.
  2. Finished my undergrad at the age of 21.
  3. Did my first real fieldworks at the age of 22 (Indramayu, Anambas).
  4. Got my first scholarship to Russia at the age of 22 (first trip abroad).
  5. Celebrated my 23rd birthday so faraway from home.
  6. Landed in Stalingrad at the age of 23 (dream came true).
  7. Traveled abroad with boyfriend for the first time at the age of 23 (this was actually a winner!).
  8. Started cooking at the age of 23!
  9. Survived the first year of graduate program in the coldest Russia which also was the first time I lose my shits at the age of 24.
  10. Began internship in Jakarta in 2015. It was also my first working experience in Jakarta, pretty stressful but happy as I got to meet my grandpa (Pak Luhu).
  11. Received my 25th birthday letter from Garik that arrived exactly on his birthday; it lightened up my night!
  12. Earned my master degree at the age of 25! Dad, I fucking made it! I didn’t want to go back to Indonesia.
  13. Started working in PolGov at the age of 25, then started working with Matthew, Rachael, and Mas Conny - who later changed my life completely for the better.
  14. Had my first class with Mas Conny and Pak Purwo (Politik Keamanan dan Pembangunan) at the age of 26.
  15. Wrote my first research proposal and earned my first funding from the faculty at the age of 26.
  16. Got an email that I will forever treasure from Garik. In 2017, on my first fieldwork in Riau, Garik wrote me an email saying he was so proud of me; of my accomplishments and most importantly, the person I’ve become after my return from Russia. His email made me cry and made me realized that it's him that I loved.
  17. Bought my mom a cellphone for the very first time at the age of 27!
  18. Became a lecturer at the age of 27.
  19. Spent the first and a half year as a lecturer questioning whether it was something I was meant to do as I tended to screw things up in the class.
  20. Lost my best friend, Dana Hasibuan. I was 27 and he was 31. The first time I cried in public, as a matter of fact I cried throughout the day.
  21. Went on a vacation with my parents for the first time and I paid! Man, I’m an adult!
  22. Lost my love at the age of 28, then life turned dark. I had my first breakdown only five months later, and there have been countless of breakdowns since but I got better at handling things. However, not much that I remember happened after this.
  23. Published my first Scopus journal at the age of 29.
  24. Have become a changed person at the age of 29. I like myself better now.
  25. Lost my teacher, my mentor, my colleague: Mas Conny. Second worst day in UGM.
  26. Bought my dad a cellphone for the first time at the age of 29 and I felt so proud of myself!
  27. Started gardening! I wish I could tell Garik how things turned out in my life during this pandemic.
  28. Nominated as a principal candidate for Fulbright Doctoral Degree Program commencing fall 2021.
  29. Lost and found myself in the worst nightmare. All of the achievements felt like extras, I felt like I was still in search for something I lost within me. The experience has made me become more poetic, which I loooooove!
  30. Have been learning about Stoicism and been trying my best to turn it into practice. Reaching thirty, I learned to only think and care about things I can control.

I spent a week with a friend in Jakarta last February. I tried my best to stay present, and it was quite a success actually. I think I’ve never been that happy in the past two years, thanks to him partly, yet thanks to myself the most; thank you for trying, thank you for thriving. In many of the conversations we had, sometimes I tried hard to remember moments that we had in the past. I thought maybe it happened, but I just didn’t remember how it happened, the feeling when it happened, or if it ever happened at all. But it made me feel bad, it made me feel like I didn’t appreciate the memories, and the persons with whom I shared those memories. I wish I could tell them that it’s not that I didn’t enjoy their company, but it felt more like life has been in pause that I barely felt anything; no joy, no pain, simply nothing. I call such experience as floating, and I’ve been floating since Garik died. But I’ve gotten much better now than I was a year ago. I know, I’m not there yet but I also know that I’ve improved.


A few days ago, I saw a tweet like this. Someone tweeted some important moments he had in his 20s. I don’t remember on what purpose he wrote such things, but it gave me an idea to do the same. I thought maybe it would help me regain my memories, so here I am. I will add this list if there are great things I want to remember again about moments in my 20s.


Nevertheless, 30 is certainly not so bad.

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