I am here.

Maybe I have to stop torturing myself everyday, am I really that bad? That's probably the question that I've been waking up to these past few months. I know, it's crazy. I remember during my early days in Russia, Garik told me to be the person I was when I was in Indonesia. 'The person like what?' I asked him. 'Feisty, fearless, the one that I love,' he said. Sometimes I still see that person in me, but most of the times, I don't really feel like there is still any me, in me. Who am I then?

I don't know. And do I need to know? Yea.. maybe. What's the point of knowing anyway. To be more gentle with ourselves, that's what they told me. But often times, the idea about being gentle with myself makes me feel weak. Makes me want to surrender. Not that I like suffering, but endless joys lead to boredom, and endless joys make you fear death. And if death is the only thing that is certain in this life, do you want to live fearing the only thing that is certain? I don't.

I have been living in the States for how many months now, I have stopped counting after my first month. It's crazy to remember how much I wanted this to happen, how long I've been dreaming about living and studying in the States, and now that it's happening, I've never felt more miserable. Not that life treats me badly, but because I'm such in a terrible mental state. I wish I could be more excited towards life. This is my childhood dream, so why can't I be happy? But you can't force happiness, and besides, happiness is shallow. I have long stopped dreaming about being happy, cause it's so easy to make me happy. Money makes me happy. I have longed to be at peace, I have longed to feel calm. I miss my parents, I hope I make them happy, I hope I make them proud. 

Yes, I am taking my PhD right now in the United States! Not an easy journey. It's a journey full of self doubt, which is depressing. But I suppose I didn't come all the way from home expecting things to be easy. So, although it's hard, but surprisingly.. I am eternally grateful that it brings me closer to God. And never have I ever felt the sense of peacefulness the way I feel it here. Like you are being embraced. Cause I am so far away from home, and this place is yet to feel familiar. I feel so frightened of failure, I'm scared to be rejected, I can't stop looking down on myself, and at that point I realized that it was God who chose me to be born, and it was God who decided that it was my turn for me to be here. It feels so liberating to know that I am not in control of everything, and that everything has been decided by God. It is true that I am responsible for my action, but I know that God is always with me and He will never abandon me, and He knows how much I miss Garik and my grandmas, and every time I told Him I wanted to say hi to them, I felt like they were there smiling. Gosh, that was beautiful. I've never felt anything like this in my life. 

So yea, of course I care about the school. In fact, I have never studied SO HARD in my life. I still feel like I am the dumbest in the class, but at the same time, again, in my conscious mind, I know that I am here because I am stupid; cause I am here to learn. So although it is still stressed me out, but I am now taking it one step at a time. And just like what Rachael told me before I left, ''just work hard when you are there and you will make the most of the opportunity." I keep telling myself, even though one day they realize that I am not smart enough for the task, at least you have worked hard enough that you don't disappoint yourself.

But of course there are more to life than school, and my career. There are loving, kind people whom I only recently met here. There are so many lonely people, whom I also only met here. Loneliness is a chronic disease in this place. For my student community, largely because academic life is a lonely journey. But I think there are more to it. I'd like to judge capitalism, but it's probably too soon to judge. But I find it's incredibly important here to be there for your friends. Time, here, has the biggest value. The best gift you can give to anyone is your time, and again, I shall thank Garik for teaching me the lesson on how to appreciate the time that we have.

Speaking about Garik.. oh God. So many regrets. I finally met his mom, and it made me feel like I just met mine. She loved me so much! She arrive a day before I arrived. She drove all the way from Raleigh to Urbana just to meet me for the very first time. FOURTEEN hours of long drive, all by herself! She brought so many stuff for my apartment. She stayed for a week and made sure I got everything I needed. She also came with a list Garik's father made, and he made sure I got them all before she left. We did zoom call, we texted at least once a week, and in less than a month, I am going to spend my first Thanksgiving with Garik's family. Do I want to cry? Every time I think about it! But still, I know that I am not in control of everything. I can either choose to cry and suffer, or I can choose to let go and try to live in peace. That may sound cliche, but there is one instagram post that glued in my head: remember that it is he who died, and it is you who live. And I live, and in Berdyaev's words: you can lose those who died without realizing that you may have also died when you are still living. The act of death among the living for me somehow sounds like a betrayal of life, of God. And it is soooo hard to keep that in mind and therefore I wrote it here. So that one day, when I am in a full despair, I can go back here to take a healthier route to live this life. At least, be grateful that I still am given the chance to live.

So yea, in short, I shall be grateful.  There are so much to be grateful about. I may be disappointed with myself for not being enough; for not studying hard enough; for not focusing hard enough; for not being strong enough, etc. But at least I have to learn to not take this life for granted, it is the only one that you have.