Fall 2021; two and a half years later.

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I am in Chicago Union Station right now, having my usual Starbucks hot cappuccino, just finished my literature review for one of my courses that is due next Tuesday, and now letting Damien Rice does his magic in me; you should listen to this song if you haven't already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjTjRQwruI (Damien Rice & Mariam Wallentin - Astronaut).

I have been away for a week. Last week I spent two nights in Chicago, then I went to Raleigh for Thanksgiving. My first ever Thanksgiving in America. I was so nervous, not because of the Thanksgiving but certainly about coming to Raleigh and meeting all of his family in person. I couldn't stop thinking about 'what if I cannot do this? What if I cry? What if I cannot stand seeing his parents' eyes?' And now that it's done, you may wonder whether or not I cried. Of course I did, last night, in the bathroom, alone. I still feel like crying right now, to be honest. As a matter of fact, I cried on the plane! Hah, can you believe that? But it's been hard, shit it's hard! My chest feels so heavy, sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

Before I continue, you know I have been thinking about quitting this blog. I don't know, it seems personal. But then there were people who reached out to me and saying that my stories make them feel less alone and it makes me happy. It makes me feel a little useful. And I only live once, the reason why I still do this is simply to let myself and those who know me know that these feelings exist and they're real. Knowing that I have forgotten many of the memories in the past, I just think it's important somehow to be true to myself and acknowledge these feelings.

Okay, so, what makes me so sad? His family is so kind to me, literally each and everyone of them is so kind to me, they treat me like a family. Do you think it's weird that you question your worth? Do you think I'm being ungrateful? But I really don't know what have I done right to deserve such kindness, and do I even deserve it. And what makes me really sad? The fact that I can get along very well with everyone and he's not there. I know it would have been a lot merrier if I were there with him. He should have been the one introduce me to his family, and now I have to be there on my own pretending like I'm alright - when having a small talk about him makes me want to sob. This would have been a lot better if he's here.

This trip also reminds me how far I've come in this journey. I still remember vividly when I got Fulbright, I was both happy and sad. I was happy, of course, because I worked so hard for this, but at the same time I was so sad realizing that I should have done this sooner. Garik told me a long time ago to at least try to apply for a PhD in the States, but I never had the confidence. It's United States, it's too big for me. But then after he died, I tried, and on my first attempt, I got it, when he's no longer here. I know this would make him so happy and proud, but then now, what's the point of this all?

Oh I've been thinking about this. Even here, people often say that I'm ambitious, and each time they ask me what do I study, they say I'm so convincing. You know, it makes me wonder, who are they talking about? If I am, indeed, that ambitious; what is my ambition then? I honestly don't know. I think I just live. I don't really feel like floating again right now, mostly because I got tons of assignments to finish, but I still feel empty and have no purpose in life. Yet do I have to? I don't know, I think I'm happier this way. What's the point of having goals anyway.

I feel like I owe Garik so much. There is no way I could be here if it's not because of him. He was always there. He was my favorite cheerleader after my family. He made life exciting. And now that he's gone, even after 2,5 years, what then? It all still feels like yesterday, like not a day gone by after May 2019. And ugh I feel so mad.

My train is coming in an hour, and maybe tomorrow I will be positive again. At least, I am kind enough to share you some of the photos of places he used to visit in his hometown.







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