A decade later: 2011 - 2021

Okay, now that 2021 is ending, this is the year I turned 31; the year I started my PhD; the year I spent with Garik's family; and of course, the year I moved to the States. In eastern time, we are entering the new year in three days. Crazy, huh?

How do I feel about it? Hmm, I don't know, mostly disappointed with myself, I guess. I don't think I did well in my first semester and it feels kind of outweigh everything else that happened this year, which is sad. A lot of things happened this year, but the failure and disappointment I have towards myself seem to be taking over all of the other great moments and emotions I experienced this year. I simply don't know how to fix it nor do I know how to feel otherwise and be more gentle with myself - and do I even need to do so? I don't know.

I wish I could have a meeting with my therapist though. As I turned a year older this year, I feel like I keep losing the ability to like myself even more. I don't know if that's normal, that most people don't like themselves, but I feel even more distance to the idea of my likability, or lovability. It confuses me so much how people could like me, let alone love me. How? Why? As strange as it sounds, I asked two of my best friends about it and one of them even wrote me a birthday email explaining the why, and each time I feel such strong hate towards myself, I read her email. Of course, it used to be Garik who would write to me all of that stuff, but like right now, I run to those whom I think will understand without judging me as narcissistic or attention seeker, cause I know I'm not. I just need to know some reasons for my worthiness.

I just recently realized that this year marked a decade since my first meeting with Garik. Yep, it was exactly ten years ago that we sat next to each other in the class when I said hi - which I did to everybody and he wrote his name on his book, and I wrote my name on mine. We started talking right after that. He always told everyone that I was the one who started flirting with him which is not true, but I let him go with it - I don't care, I love him anyhow. I remember he always waited for me after class as I chatted with my friends. He had to go to Malang at one point and I told him that I can print and collect his assignment while he's away. Then I gave him my email, and after the assignment was completed, he emailed me again to ask me out. We didn't make it to the jazz concert, but we made it to the cinema and we spent almost 24 hours together mostly talking trying to get to know each other better. Oh well, when you know, you know. It was like meeting a stranger on a dating app these days, only that we turn the class into our cellphone.

Although the cinema was our first date, before that I invited him to join my birthday dinner with my brother and Daru in Nanamia. I still remember he wore a white shirt and Daru snapped a candid picture of him to share with my brother so that they can make fun of me later. He rode his motorbike and then we decided that we wanted to stroll around the city a little bit, so after we finished dinner, we came to his apartment so that he could drop his motorbike and come along in my car. After he got in the car, he gave me a birthday present which was Paulo Coelho's book Veronica Decides to Die along with one of the most beautiful birthday cards I have ever received. Nobody had ever done that to me, so it was more like love at first sight; it was instant joy.

Memories of that December 2011 have been rushing back at me recently, as this has been a decade since those beautiful days. You know, when you were young you often wonder about what would you be in ten years. I don't remember we talked about this, but I really wish I could go back to those days and tell him that in ten years, you will be gone, and here I am spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in your home, with your family. I wish I could tell him to stay a little longer, and know that I will be there that we don't have to worry again about being apart. It has become a day trip now from Champaign to Wake Forest, or wherever we are in the United States. I used to have a purpose in life and ever since May 2019, although people say that time will heal, I still feel so unaccomplished and stuck; what am I even doing?

I find comfort in not knowing. Yea there are still so many details that I avoid knowing. I know I've come so far but that doesn't mean that I'm ready, or if I ever will be. I come to know the immeasurable size of my heart but that doesn't mean I'm strong enough to carry them all at once. The fact that I am still here, standing, doing what normal people do, doing what people expect me to do, be there for other people every once in a while, are enough for me. Although I crave the sense of belonging and love, I constantly ask myself whether I know how to cope with the fear and the agony that follows. The answer? Of course, I don't know.

I have been reading this book called A little life. People say it's so depressing and I'm halfway through and yea, it is depressing but I can handle it. I can resonate so much with one of the main characters; Jude. He hates himself so much, tho I don't thankfully have the rough childhood that he had, but I share some of his hateful thoughts toward himself. It's interesting to see how irrelevant our hate is when seen from other people's perspectives. It comes to the question of how and why again. I don't know, the older I get the harder it becomes to answer such questions. I find it easier just to live and not to think much about the whys, and I know but I have no plan to create my why. Shit, that wisdom sounds so lame, I hate it!

So, what to look forward to in 2022? Love, I guess, and I should get better at school. If I manage to start a new relationship, maybe I will get myself a car here, which means I should really start making that damn tax registration so that I can have my driver's license soon. My love life has started to look like a dead-end lately, I really don't know how to make it work, how to open myself to new people. Sometimes I feel like I'm that ugly that men don't want to be with me but then I stop thinking as it makes me not liking myself even more. So stupid but well, I don't think I have full control of myself yet.

So, a decade later.. I come to the US thinking that I will leave the sadness behind and the future will once again look bright. Oh how foolish!