Exhaustion.

I could not sleep last night. Spring semester almost ends and sometimes I wonder what did I do to survive this far. A lot of things happened, I entered a new chapter in my new home, and everything has become more manageable. Last night, I had a strong urge to open the emails you sent me and tried to read them again as if it was yesterday. It's going to be three years next month, and I still have a hard time realizing that you will never be in my present or my future. How strange, the hurt never fades, and I still cry like nothing has passed.

In the last birthday email you sent to me, you recalled those early days when we first met. We were twenty-one, we were so young that the nights we spent together felt like a lifetime. You were so into Kid Cudi and hated that I always compared him to Tupac just to mess with you, and you always said "who compares Kid Cudi to Tupac, you have to stop!" I could not believe that you did not know No Doubt, but we both liked Guns n' Roses, so fair enough. You were still in my head every time I drove around the university at night and The Prayer still played in my head - I am sure it will be the same once I come home next month. It is so weird to come so far in life without you in it. The hole still remains open in my chest and I simply do not know what am I going to do with it: you were my lover and my best friend, life feels so empty without you in it.

I always wonder how would it feel like to have you home. I still can't believe that your home is my home now, your parents always tell me to go back every time and it's only two hours away! I got so many presents from your family, I'm sure it would make you happy but I'm also sure that I wouldn't get as many if you were still here. But who cares about presents, you were my best gift. You came to my dream a few weeks ago. My heart felt heavy when I woke up, I hope it was longer. We went to a state park, you were so happy; Garik that I knew, who always got so excited in nature. You called me while I was busy talking to your mom. You always said that I'd get along well with her, and there you are, all smiling looking at me talking to your mom. How unfair, sometimes I think of life, why can't such a beautiful thing happen just for once. I never asked much from this life, only for us to gather together, for once.

But it's a waste of time wishing for something that will never come. Although you are in my dream and every step I take forward. Sometimes it feels like I only wait for my time to depart, but people say I do big things and I wonder what can be bigger than life? Whatever I do is my attempt to survive, to produce meaning for life that I have long lost touched. I'm grateful for school cause it constantly provides me with tasks, it barely gives me time to stop. Exhaustion is the word I share aloud, but I'm eternally grateful as otherwise, what's the point of being alive.