Early summer.

I'm at the airport right now. Nope, not O'hare, not Union Station (obviously), I'm in Jogja, on my way back to Jakarta. I spent a week here, visiting my old life. It sounds so dramatic, but I've always been so dramatic. It felt quite strange coming back here, it felt like a distant memory while it was only last year that I left this city. I passed almost all of the roads I used to pass every single day in the past five years, the mountain I used to capture, the food, the shops, the office, all the people who used to cheer with me, one of my closest friends left this city, I didn't really feel like hanging in a cafe and have a long reflective talk, instead, I got a bunch of books that I really wanted to finish and luckily, I at least finished one. It's so strange to be a guest in your own home, I wish I could tell Garik about this feeling cause Jogja had always been our home, but now, I guess not anymore.

Perhaps I told you before about how much people love me. It's crazy. Ok, don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed by the abundance of love that people surround me with. But I can't stop questioning whether I deserve it. I come to understand that it's not a place that makes a home, a home. It's the people, it's love. It certainly is love that makes a home, a home. In ten months, I can now call the United States home. I was so nervous, to be honest coming back home, I was scared if people would change if they would treat me differently if they will love me less. It's not like all of the people in the world love me, nor do I want all of the people in the world to love me. But there are people in this world whom I love and value so deeply that I want them to love me back, and now I know that I shouldn't question their love for me; you can only receive as much as you give. And it feels so great to be loved like this.

But there's a strange feeling like I didn't belong here. I felt somehow untouchable. Not even myself can touch me. It's different from floating, it's more like longing, but I didn't know what I long for. I feel so grateful for my family and friends, they're the ones who keep me grounded. They always pull me back and let me know that I am here, with them, I still am me. Doesn't it sound so weird to not be able to know yourself and where you are? It doesn't even make sense to me writing it. But I guess not everything has to make sense.

Before I left for North Carolina last month, I had an early dinner with someone whom I've known for quite a while now. He's not the sweetest guy, but he really is one of the kindest. To me, he's so fragile and distant. That evening, we were walking in a park near where we live, and when we were about to get to his car, he said he can't be with me because I'm free and he's never been free. In front of us is a beautiful orange pancake sun about to go down, on a warm midwest evening, it was one of the most beautiful things a man has ever said to me. I cannot forget his words, he looked so beautiful to me that evening. The fragility of life, he is being human who is vulnerable and real. I truly appreciate his honesty. Not everyone wants to be with me and it's totally fine. I learned that attachment is the source of suffering and I learned the hard way not to attach myself to anything. It hurt so bad I don't think the pain is something I can ever comprehend, let alone feel again. I too can be fragile sometimes, I set boundaries, I'm free and I love to be free, and just like people in general, I want to be understood, and it brings me joy knowing that I don't let my ego take over my sanity by understanding other people in return. Shit, I'm a fucking grown-up bitch! LOL

One of my new year resolutions is to finish a book per month - which I should've known better that it is simply impossible. So far, I think I only managed to finish five or six, but like two of them are less than a hundred pages! So it's hard for me to count them. But I finally read Norwegian Wood recently. I felt disappointed. I know I shouldn't have my hope too high but how can I not, it's Murakami and it's Norwegian Wood! Then the ending was shit. It outweighed everything that's been so greatly written earlier. Why the heck does everything have to be trapped with sex and those stupid desires to have multiple of them at the same time as if there is no normal encounter between attractive man and woman in this world. I certainly don't despise sex, fuck no, I'm completely the opposite, but dude.. come on! It's just silly. I could barely feel the emotion and I wonder why and how people could love it so much.

Anyway, I almost finished my first year - it's going to be official after I'm done with the first-year project. It still feels so crazy to call America my home, but it really is now. I leave you here, for now, there are still more days coming here, and let's see what will happen. Just know that I try my best to stay present and enjoy my life with anyone in it at the moment. I'm good.