Keep whistling cheerfully: the third summer.

Several months ago, I subscribed to the Daily Stoic mailing list. I first read Ryan Holiday's book Ego is the Enemy probably last year. I didn't finish it, not that it's bad but it was a pdf and I had no desire to buy the hard copy one - again, not that it's bad. But I enjoy his Instagram account, and the daily wisdom his team sends through the mailing list. Confucius taught me before to despair cheerfully and now I learned a new way to cheerfully whistling. Not a bad idea, I guess.

This morning I strangely had the urge to read some of my old blogs, the ones I wrote not long after Garik died. No reason, just wanted to visit my old self. I cried, of course. Looking back to those days when everything seemed impossible and pointless. To be honest, I know I've told you this so many times, but I don't remember much of what happened during that period of time. Again, Frankl says it's apathy, the final stage of human suffering. Not that such moments did not exist nor was it an illusion, it's just so little feelings involved in it. Oh at least there is one thing that I remember which during that period of time, every time I drink, I started to question why Garik left me and came home crying then woke up the next morning looking like shit. But now, every time I drink, I laugh, I'm having fun. So much fun until my doctor told me to stop drinking. Haha. Yes, doc, perhaps once the summer's over... but then it's gonna get cold...................

In one of my blogs, I wrote that I had no reason to come to the States; that I had no guts to meet his family again without him; that I'd go crazy embarking on the journey without him in my life. Well, that's not entirely wrong cause I do still cry sometimes when so much going on in my life and I realize I don't have him to share them with. Do I still feel insignificant without him? Fuck yes, are you crazy. Everything still feels empty, but I guess I've learned to appreciate things better. I've learned to be happy better - though happiness is shallow, at least it fills the void in my chest. I've learned to accept men for who they are and slowly stop comparing them to him. I reach out to my old dreams and learn to get excited again about life - not entirely, but much much better than it used to be. He used to be my anchor, and now, I have slowly learned to stand on my own. Far and foremost, I am here. He died and I live, and I am here. Reading those old posts, I come to understand why his parents are so proud of me for being here. Because it is, indeed, such a lonely journey.

But guess what? I learned not to take life too seriously and it brings me peace. I went on camping recently with my two male friends. They study and live in Indiana and came here to pick me up and say something like 'we come all the way here to serve this one Indonesian princess' with a cynical smile. I laughed, I think I have become famous now for being useless. Garik would hate it cause for him, it could only be him who says that I'm useless, that I'll always need him. But he's not here and I think that's how the universe helps me overcome the longing. I remember when we first started dating, I used to ask him to open my vitamin c bottle cause one time I tried to open it myself and I hurt my finger till it bled (yes, I still am that clumsy), and he told me to always ask him to help me open it. Until one day I did it without him and he said 'well now I guess you don't need me anymore'. Haha I loved it. I loved it when he was being dramatic, just like me. LOL!

He would still celebrate my small accomplishments, those are the big ones for him. Like the fact that I bike everywhere now. He would smile, I imagine, if not laugh, looking at me riding my bike. Not afraid of the sun. He would come here and fix the embarrassing sound of my brakes and say 'this is why you need Madha (my brother)'. I would never be self-sufficient enough for him, and that's why it's funny when his parents said I am. He would smile when people are trying to give me compliments, and no matter how much I hate it, he would brag about me to everyone we meet. He just knew the many simple things I cannot do on my own, simple things like loving myself a little bit more.

I have been feeling a little bit different recently. Like once again, I feel free. His mother told me to take this journey as another adventure in my life, which is true. And it's his family who always waits for me to come home. It's my new friends here who always ask when I'll come back. It's my family and friends at home who always ask when will I come home next year. It's they who love me, who always make me feel needed and wanted, the simple human emotions that I lose after Garik died. I am still struggling with my insignificance, but it's they who definitely help me whistle cheerfully right now.

It's my third summer without him, and I can finally see the sun shining brighter. :)