Evening storm.

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Summer is ending, and school starts in two weeks. My body is aching, I don't know what's happening. No, I lie, of course, I know what's happening. I miss him, I've been missing him terribly these past days. It's crazy, I want to cry like a baby.

It gets heavy, my chest gets heavy. Everything has been really good lately. Somebody asked me just yesterday how have I been feeling, and honestly, I've been feeling good. Except that I've been missing Garik so badly lately. I'm at his home right now, and I don't remember many of my dreams, but I remember when I first got here two weeks ago, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he was there waiting for me. I don't remember where he was, but it was a bit scary when I woke up. Yet honestly, relieving at the same time, the idea that he is waiting for me. Gosh, I love him so much. I cannot stop asking myself if I ever love anyone like I love him ever again.

But it leads me to another question whether I love him for who he was or for the idea of him in my head. It's suffocating to love someone so much that everything simply becomes meaningless when he's gone. I simply have no idea how to navigate my life, where should I go, what should I do, how should I feel, and what am I supposed to do with everything I have. Everything I have, do I even have anything? It's crazy to think that everything has been going right in my life but it still feels like I am carrying a huge hole in my chest. Before I ask can anybody love me, I should probably ask can I even love myself?

I read an article in The Atlantic yesterday, the writer says 'when I am well, I forget how it feels to be sick, and when I am sick, I forget how it feels to be well.' I laughed, exactly. So accurate. It gets really heavy sometimes like the weight is just simply unbearable. That is why I embrace it when I feel weightless. It feels strange to not feel anything, but it feels so good to feel painless. I wrote so many times about how sometimes I feel like the pain is attached to my body, which is probably why some people decided to hurt themselves. Maybe they thought by doing so can detach the pain from their skin. But I'm not gonna do it, I want to look good, I know I will hate myself more if I look terrible. I mean, I don't even look good enough, how can I make myself look worse than I already am.

Maybe I should really get a therapist here. But fuck, I've been feeling so weird depending on this drug! Is this really what adulthood looks like? I kinda feel like I want to detach myself from everything. Like people just don't want me. Day by day, I try to resist the urge to disappear. Just gone from people who know me. I don't know why but I just feel so embarrassed about myself. My new friend recently asked me where did I get such confidence? I laughed. I told her that I don't know, I said perhaps it just doesn't matter. Not that I'm confident, maybe I just don't care so much about life. It's really useful to have this blog, so that those who want to know me, know that there is so much to untangle in my head - that I, too, hate myself. And I, too, feel so embarrassed of my incapability in living this life like a normal person. What the fuck is normal anyway.

I feel like I want to experience life differently. Everything seems boring right now. I'm glad I'm not at my place. I'm glad that I have a road to travel in days. Although it's a familiar one. I've been thinking that perhaps I should be grateful when people just leave me so that I can start out new. No, I'm lying, I'll be sad when people leave, or maybe I'll feel nothing. I don't know. It just feels so heavy right now, I can still feel the pain attaches to my skin.

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