Thanksgiving 2022: three and a half year later
I am in North Carolina again right now. Spent my second Thanksgiving two days ago, with a house full of laughter, a family full of love, and a heart full of gratitude. It feels like I have never been this calm and happy in such a really really long time that I can feel a stream of gratitude flows through my heart.
I think I wrote it here that I had another serious relapse last May, the three-year anniversary. It was tough, my head was heavy and dark. I thought I wouldn't recover. I always wondered how long life has to stay that way. I still had no desire to think about the future, like it even matters. I was so skeptical about life and taking life too seriously is just dumb. I had everything I'd ever wanted, all the love in the world, yet no matter how sunny the day is outside, inside, it'd always been a dark cloud. That was pretty much how my days were six months ago. It is kind of interesting to remember that I thought I was no longer floating back then, but looking at it now, I think I was still pretty much afloat.
I don't think I've ever really thought about how to replace Garik, yet I always wondered if I could ever love again. It doesn't necessarily have to be the same way that I love him, yet I wonder if anyone could give me, at least, the same comfort that he did. If there's one thing that I have to remember about him, is that Garik always wanted me to be a better person. He never asked me to be anything, all of my "public" accomplishments were just extra for him because, for him, he just wanted me to be a better person, a better human being. He met me as a spoiled little brat, not capable of listening, not capable of compromising, and not capable of loving, especially myself. And he loved every bit of me, from our philosophical conversations to I was being disgusted by pretty much everything. I don't know how many times I wrote it here, but when he died, I think the one thing that I struggled with the most is how to love myself again - oh man, let alone loving another man.
But guess what? I am in a relationship right now! A committed one! And no, I'm not joking. I really am, and I'm really happy, and I am so crazy in love right now. LOL. You wouldn't believe me! I was constantly told the reason why it was so hard for me to settle is that either I have the wrong idea of love or, I just haven't found the right one. And I always thought my case was the latter. Yet I was stuck with the question of whether another Garik still exists in this world? Until I met David not long ago - long enough to know a person, that I realized what I looked for had never been another Garik. Garik will always be Garik, he will always be there with me, in my heart, what I looked for is someone who feels like a decent human being who can make me feel comfortable enough to be who I am and make me excited enough to wake up in the morning and kiss him hello.
Nothing special at first, nor have I ever expected anything to be special at first. We met on Saturday morning at a coffee shop near my office. I drank a little too much the night before, but I was sober enough to hold up a decent conversation. It was a warm summer morning, and we sat outside under the trees, I ordered a large cup of chamomile tea, we talked for almost 5 hours (I guess), and he looked totally bored.
Just leave me alone, dude.
No, just kidding.
I wore my favorite gym outfit, I don't remember if I showered that morning but I planned on going to the gym after we meet but well... I don't remember either what we talked about that morning but one thing I know is the memory of that morning always brings a smile to my face. It's my favorite memory because, without it, it will never be us and without it, I will never cry the way I do every time I think about that beautiful morning.
Before I came to the States, I finished a book titled 'Secret of Divine Love.' It's a book about the ontology of Islam, which is love. I found the book really beautiful, it's a good reminder that everything we do should be based on love because nothing bad comes from love. I found great solace knowing that I am at peace at heart; I carry no hate, no prejudice, no anger, no resentment, and disappointment. Because I see the world through the eyes of love, I see life from its imperfection that makes life perfect; I see myself from my flaws and pain that make me a better version of myself each time; I see others from their shoes so that I don't judge them and value them better in my eyes. From the short time I spent with David, he makes me realize how lucky I am to experience life from the eyes of love and be the true human that I am. I spent years trying to understand my emotions and the constant wrinkly thoughts I have in my head, the anger I have towards myself, and the disappointment, and not once he makes me feel small. He's been making it so easy for me to be human having him by my side.
See, after all the pains and struggles that I shared here, how can I not cry thinking about that morning!
Thinking about David also reminds me of Fromm's binary existence between having and being, loving him reminded me of my belief that love is about being. It's about acknowledging the inner working of our consciousness that happiness and peace come from being aware of how our mind and body react when the other person is in the room, and how our mind and body change when we realize the fact that the other person now exists in our lives. And how my body reacts? I want to cry all the fucking time! I swear, not only when I think about that morning, lol.
I think I got too comfortable thinking that I have no idea what's gonna happen tomorrow and that not having any hope, or an optimistic view about tomorrow is the best way to live. At least that's how I avoided pain. It's easier to say that we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, but at least we have today. So why can't we just live for today? Well, I do still live for today, but I guess one thing that I just recently realized is that it's not wrong either to think about tomorrow, especially considering the fact that what if thinking about the beauty of tomorrow brings joy for today? I guess that also counts as living for today, doesn't it? Before I met him, if people ask me to think about tomorrow, I would get a headache, like literally a headache. Why can't we just live daily, my life is good. That's basically how I always responded. But David always said that I cannot live like that as if we waited for something bad to happen. I had no counter-argument when he said that and I started to think about it and yeah, it makes sense. I was hurt so badly that I didn't think thinking about tomorrow helped me mend the pain, but now that I have him, I feel less alone in navigating life that I feel like I can start to collect my courage to slowly think and prepare about tomorrow again. Beautiful, isn't it?
I came to visit Garik at Oakwood today. His family made a surprise early birthday lunch for me before that. I almost cried when his mom and sister hugged me, but I managed to hold back my tears. If that happened before David came into my life, I would've cried like a baby as I always wonder why and how could Garik's family loves me so much. But I guess now it matters less to me, I take as much love as I can take, I'm grateful for it, and I will treasure it forever. And why did it different having David in my life right now? I don't know how, but he slowly does heal the wound in my heart. I can feel the pain slowly fade like my heart carries less burden from time to time. I really love the way that he loves me, I know it is something I treasure, and I know it is something I am thankful for.
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