Just me, ranting

 It's been a while. Where have I been? I guess I am just here enjoying life.

It's been five years since. Yes, this May is the fifth anniversary. I remember exactly when my doctor in Indonesia told me that I would be able to grasp things better after five years. At that moment, I thought five years would feel like forever, and I didn't know how I would survive. And five years is now.

I just watched a new romcom yesterday called The Idea of You. Well, a romcom is not meant to be deep, meaningful, or whatever; it is only intended to be dramatic. Before, watching a romcom made me feel hopeful as a single, miserable, or unhappy woman in an unfulfilled relationship. But it felt so weird yesterday that I couldn't relate to any of those. I mean, I am in a super happy and healthy relationship. Yeah, that happy and healthy! I feel enough. Is it wrong to feel enough? Does it make us stagnant as a person? I know society tells us to crave more and more. And here I am, a 34-year-old woman with an okay or even tend to be below average school achievement as well as career, but I feel so at peace. I couldn't care less about being happy. I think the overemphasis on happiness is corny. But that's me; I respect people who want to be happy. I'm aware of my privilege of not thinking too much about happiness. But know that I've tried so hard to be at peace, and that's always been my struggle with myself. But... another but... maybe I've watched too many romcoms in my life, LOL!

But seriously, it feels so weird to be at this stage where I feel like my life is perfect. Not because I feel so successful and accomplished in life but because I feel like I have everything. And everything makes life complete. Like I don't miss anything in life. I am overthinking it, of course. Why do I feel enough? It's very toxic to live in a society that makes you feel less autonomous as a being. Yet I live in the United States; how could I not feel this way? 🤷🏽‍♀️

I've been taking a lot of photos lately. Except for being my only social media, I like using Instagram cause I love it too much, taking pictures. It runs in the family. And thankfully, David loves taking pictures even more than I do. So, we basically can only leave our house with our cameras. I even have 4 Polaroid cameras now, though one is not working, but I still wish a miracle would happen one day. We love going downtown or to the park and just strolling around, taking pictures of everything. It's our Saturday ritual or weekday when I feel bored and burnt out after classes. But now that it's summer, I don't know if we will be as excited as we were in the fall or spring since the heat is killing us! Here are some of my favorite photos from our last Saturday stroll.

We have a few exciting trips waiting for this year, which I am so excited about! I cannot wait to see the world again. To get out of here, to feel whole again. Not to feel like I am bound to this place. Despite the complete gratitude I just mentioned above, I am still an ordinary person who constantly complains about the boredom of life.

Still, I am totally aware of how privileged I am to feel bored despite my perfection. I have everything. I don't even have to stress about getting a job. Not having to worry about money and employment is a great privilege. And I don't take that for granted. I am so utterly grateful. After three years of living in the US, it's crazy to think about how privileged I am. Poverty is so expensive. Not that it doesn't happen in Indonesia, but it gets even more real here. There's almost no way out. And the polarization makes everything worse! Indonesia is seriously nothing compared to this place. I am still wondering why people would want to live here. Because I am scared as fuck if I have to spend the rest of my life here. I won't feel safe sending my kids to school knowing everyone has access to guns--and even after what happened, there are still so many people who support guns! It's insane. I can't even ask how and why because in the land of free, everyone is free. But again, just like the article I read in my theory reading group, it's freedom as heteronomy, which is like freedom without autonomy.

I heard friends in Jakarta saying that it's nice to live in Jakarta when you're rich, and my other friends would say it's nice to live everywhere when you're rich. People idolized residing in the United States as the land of freedom, where dreams are made. It's true. Many people's dreams came true here. But as I get older, it feels so hard to close my eyes and surrender to injustice, and even worse, surrender myself to a system that could only reproduce injustice. Okay, almost, if not all, of the political system produces injustice, but at least not all of them produce or support genocide.

I know this post went on to be just a rant about how amazingly perfect my life but at the same time, I feel so angry with what's going on in the world and where I am right now. It makes me mad knowing that people can go on with their lives feeling so stressed about what the future holds for them when there are people who don't even have it now. And perhaps, I am also part of those people.