It's only April; 2020, what a year has been.

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It feels like I just wrote the same title yesterday. I remember feeling so hopeful to meet 2020, new energy, new plans, was waiting for my article to be published, just got back from year-end holiday with my parents. Now it's been almost four months after that day, and here we are, all doomed.

Just so you know, the world has recently been hit by the disastrous Coronavirus. It makes me want to cry just to mention its name. We're basically on lockdown, almost everywhere in the world. I honestly don't know how long this will last and it's making me really nervous just to think about it. I haven't gone to office for a month now? Yea, I think it's been a month. And it's killing me. I never thought I'd need my office this much. Now I know, I can't be unemployed, there's no way I would survive being jobless. And now, instead of fearing the virus, I get more frightened by my mental health.

It's getting worse. Of course, what do you expect. I used to experience shortness of breath and headache, which are terrible enough, but now I tremble. It kinda feels like I want to cry so bad, I want to scream, I can feel this dark cloud above my head and it haunts me, the world gets dark, while my life keeps on rolling. My life has been super good, but my head has been super dark. I lose touch with my feeling again, I can't feel anything, I am floating again.

I've been spending time with someone these past three weeks. It started out fine, I was so happy, he made me feel whole again at first, for a sec I forgot about Garik. I was so nervous I'd let him down, it was as if I was inexperience with love. I was always in a rush, no wonder Garik always asked me where I was going. I was always, always in a rush. I jump to conclusion too quickly, I still can't think straight when I get too excited about stuff that makes me happy. And now I learned the lesson, it was indeed, too soon. And it makes me really, really sad to feel empty again. To once again lose touch with ones feeling, with my feeling. So much going on in my head right now, I can't slow down. Everything makes me nervous, I overthink, I get mad, everything drives me mad. And now I question myself again each time I open my eyes in the morning, why am I here? What am I gonna do?

Maybe he's right, I shouldn't expect anyone to fill me. I can't be filled by anyone but myself, but how? I'm picky, that's what they told me. And I always like those who don't like me - or maybe I just don't know how to like myself. Yea, maybe I just don't know how to like myself that I set every serious encounter as a game. I mean, there's no way anyone would like me, if they knew how complicated I could get, there's no way they'd stay. It took eight years for Garik and I to settle, eight fucking years. And when we did, he died. Life is a joke. No, it's not me, it's life. Life is a joke, why would I take life too seriously anyway? I should just go with Bill Murray's I try to be available for life to happen to me.

I have to take my meds for a week straight, it's another therapy I should take. And now I hate my doctor, what can be worse? In times like this, you have to change your therapist, it drives me mad just to think about it. This is like the worst time to change your therapist and start all over again, but fuck, he's too flirty it's disgusting. And fuck, 2020, seriously?! After what happened last year, do I deserve this? :(

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