Master Pretender.
In the midst of quarantine life, I managed to get a few drinks last Saturday night. The drinking outside part at times like this was funny, yet the aftermath was horrible. Next month marks a year of Garik's departure, and the memory of it haunts me every single day. My mind lingers around the only question of why did you leave me?
If you've been following my blog, nothing else I talked about after he left but him. The life I have to live without him. It's strange, it's empty, and it makes me cry often. I've never got my heart broken before, I've been through several breakups and nothing felt closely like this. It was easier when you have to go to office, work to do, meeting people was hard at times but it mostly helped. They were an amazing distraction, at least you'd come home tired and got not much energy left but to eat some fruits, had a few talks, then go to bed. But not during quarantine like this, you have the whole time for yourself.
I've read countless books about death, and I get that you're free.. but I've been trapped in the dark hole above the ground since. Few things make sense, or I simply don't know how to digest the rest of em. I'd like to say that it's been hard, but nothing seems to be harder, I just handle things worse. My consciousness often refused to cooperate, and like I told you often, somehow I just floated. And I still do to this day. I've been hanging out, I went on several dates, some lasted for days, some lasted for months, but still, not much left in me. I closed my eyes in between touch, and I saw Garik. I came home at night, and I met Garik in my sleep. I woke up with my heart beating fast and tears on my cheek. I don't know how long this is gonna last, but my friend and my therapist said 'you are still young, five years is not so far ahead'. Are you kidding me? Five fucking years!
I miss Garik often, if not always. I miss talking to him. I miss his smile. I miss his hugs. I miss how he rubbed my hair and my back, then he would hold me tight in his arms. I miss our dinner after movie and how he always asked me 'so, what do you think about the movie?' and he'd be so disappointed if I had nothing in mind. He'd ask 'what book have you been reading? What do you think about it? He took a really good care of my mind. Covid-19 has made me miss him even more. He must have had so much to say about this experience. About ones inability to connect and the reflective thoughts we shared throughout the years. He was the one who always believed that I can't be a 100% extrovert as much of myself that others don't know. I remember I laughed and jumped into him kissing his whole face when he said so. None understood me better, many were being the judge, but my lover always analysed. I know I'm biased cause I love him a lot, but who cares. Not much that I regret in this world and before he died, I don't see the why people would want to turn back the time. And now I do, I don't know how many times have I scrolled our conversation prior to his departure, and how I wish I had made some good decisions that could bring me back to him. Things would have been much better if we lived together, and yes, that's for the best as we both agreed.
But what can I say? Some days are harder than the rest. It still feels like yesterday that he left me. I know I'm going to email his parents next month, they, especially his mother, are the only ones who can comfort me in my darkest times. No amount of meds are able to help me escape the sorrow, the longing, and the deep pain I keep having myself trapped in. I feel crazy for wanting something that no longer exists, but at the same time it breaks my heart to acknowledge that he no longer exists. Cause he did, and he is still very much alive in my head.
I've read countless books about death, and I get that you're free.. but I've been trapped in the dark hole above the ground since. Few things make sense, or I simply don't know how to digest the rest of em. I'd like to say that it's been hard, but nothing seems to be harder, I just handle things worse. My consciousness often refused to cooperate, and like I told you often, somehow I just floated. And I still do to this day. I've been hanging out, I went on several dates, some lasted for days, some lasted for months, but still, not much left in me. I closed my eyes in between touch, and I saw Garik. I came home at night, and I met Garik in my sleep. I woke up with my heart beating fast and tears on my cheek. I don't know how long this is gonna last, but my friend and my therapist said 'you are still young, five years is not so far ahead'. Are you kidding me? Five fucking years!
I miss Garik often, if not always. I miss talking to him. I miss his smile. I miss his hugs. I miss how he rubbed my hair and my back, then he would hold me tight in his arms. I miss our dinner after movie and how he always asked me 'so, what do you think about the movie?' and he'd be so disappointed if I had nothing in mind. He'd ask 'what book have you been reading? What do you think about it? He took a really good care of my mind. Covid-19 has made me miss him even more. He must have had so much to say about this experience. About ones inability to connect and the reflective thoughts we shared throughout the years. He was the one who always believed that I can't be a 100% extrovert as much of myself that others don't know. I remember I laughed and jumped into him kissing his whole face when he said so. None understood me better, many were being the judge, but my lover always analysed. I know I'm biased cause I love him a lot, but who cares. Not much that I regret in this world and before he died, I don't see the why people would want to turn back the time. And now I do, I don't know how many times have I scrolled our conversation prior to his departure, and how I wish I had made some good decisions that could bring me back to him. Things would have been much better if we lived together, and yes, that's for the best as we both agreed.
But what can I say? Some days are harder than the rest. It still feels like yesterday that he left me. I know I'm going to email his parents next month, they, especially his mother, are the only ones who can comfort me in my darkest times. No amount of meds are able to help me escape the sorrow, the longing, and the deep pain I keep having myself trapped in. I feel crazy for wanting something that no longer exists, but at the same time it breaks my heart to acknowledge that he no longer exists. Cause he did, and he is still very much alive in my head.
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