What's normal anyway?

Oh hi,

I honestly have not much in mind but I feel like writing something, so here I am.

I just recently bought a new bike! Woohoo.. that was fun. I haven't ridden a bike since the end of 2016. My butt hurts, but I need to start moving my ass during this quarantine, otherwise by the time this is over I'd look like a pig. It feels weird to drive again after days using the bike as my main transport haha I know, that's too much. 

I talked to Yenny the other day. It was 3,5 hours of deep conversation on the phone, something we rarely do. We talked about so many things; about how our best friend is the reflection of ourselves, about being honest, about letting go, acceptance, about catching opportunity, spending ramadan together as none of us could gather with our family, and stuff. But among all else, as one of those people who know me best, she gave me a clear advice about how to go on living, and about taking the control back while doing it.

Yenny knows exactly how my days went after Garik's gone, and well, so did she know how it was when he was still alive. She knows how broken, how irrelevant, and how miserable I've become since May 2019. She was the one who always listened, and who always asked how I was doing when I was floating. It's hard to remember my 28-year, or 2019 in general. I told you already how I don't remember much about that year, I have no idea what happened before May. Not a glimpse, like it never existed. And after May, what I remember most was I've been drinking, partying, and traveling a lot ever since. So, if the question is have you ever traveled to forget a heartbreak? then the answer is yes. Traveling was the best remedy, so now you know how I feel for being isolated like this. I've been working; of course. Went on lots of dates that didn't work; true. Read lots of books; correct. And do you know what else have I been doing since? I refuse to be at peace, cause I'm afraid by doing so I would replace the memories of Garik in me, so then he will no longer live. I know he doesn't, who he is right now is the constructed ideas, the collective memories of him in my head - and for having another good days without him being in the narrative, I'm scared none will remember him anymore then he will completely disappear from this planet earth.

Yenny asked me that night so, how long are you going to be like this? How long it's been? A year?

That's a really good question. It's true that Garik lives in my subconsciousness, that whether or not I want the memories of him to reappear, it does and it's making my body aches. I was asked quite recently of what makes him so special, and I said simple, Garik loved that I read, he celebrated my small achievements like exercising, get on my bike again (which what made him love me in the first place), and the most beautiful compliment he has ever given me was that he said 'I love you because you ask meaningful question, and even if I'm not physically attracted to you, I'd still want to keep talking to you'. None else has ever said that to me, it made me feel worthy and appreciated as a being. There are so many things that I regret in our relationship, how I didn't pay closer attention to the words he said, how I never came to visit, how I never made a single effort, how I said he was a vacation at first (I've apologized), and how caught up I was with work that I didn't spend much time talking to him when he needed it the most. All of these things I share above linger in my head like a disease and when I'm drunk, it's either I'd cry or I'd say em all out loud so that everyone could know how sorry I was. Dendi told me quite recently of how alive Garik is for her, as through my story, she could still feel like he's still here with us. And yes, that's what I mean by keeping him alive.

But the problem is I don't talk about him like it's a memory, but as if he's still here and there's something I could do to make him remains. So, if I cannot control my subconsciousness, then maybe I should try to live with it. I don't have to deny it, it's going to be there forever anyway. But it's important to know when to stop and moving on. Yenny told me, maybe I need to tell myself that it is enough. Yes, it's enough, this is it. He's gone, and there will be no more Garik in my life. There will definitely be another Garik, and I have to acknowledge the fact that it is not him, it never will be, and I will be fine because of it. And know that it's not fair to let other in just to comfort my misfortune.

I just finished a book called The School of Life by Alain de Botton. Well, I don't think he wrote it himself, it's more like a team but anyway. In the book, they talk about having breakdown and depression, and how important it is to seek for help and getting a grasp on what's going on, and instead of taking meds right away, it matters to acknowledge the fact that we do have the control of our mind. So, I stop consuming my meds and sure yea, been seriously considering visiting another therapist. I need more session, regularly probably. I tried what I could to remain sane, it's not an easy journey, nor do I ask it to be. Losing Garik has taught me about life in a completely different manner - I'd like to say the hard way, but it seems unfair to complain from five stars hotel as Mac Miller would say in his song Small Worlds, the one I listened to while writing this. Losing him has forced me to reconnect with myself once again, have I really known myself? What do I want? If I ask meaningful question, what does it mean to have a meaningful life? Where am I, and does it even matter to know where I am? I laugh at myself looking at this, how miserable I've become, fuck! But that's alright, I got my bike with me, I could take myself for another ride again tomorrow and practice Coelho's style of meditation, which is to immerse with nature. In Manuscript Found in Accra, he said loneliness is a lie cause the universe is there to keep me company. I used to live with that words, but now, I no longer feel lonely, yet I feel empty and there's a hole in my chest and I have no clue how to fill it. Or maybe I do, it just may take longer time for me right now to figure out how. 

One of the topics everyone's been talking about during this quarantine is how we are now creating a new normality. I've been asking myself, what is normal anyway? I clearly don't remember how it felt to be normal, other than floating, not much can I feel. I believe in adjusting, as nothing is permanent, so I have left the idea of normality long ago as seeking normality is absurd. Life is series of adjustment, and seeking status quo sounds more like a harrowing experience for me than feeling uncertain. Though I'd love it so much to feel certain, but since I've never felt as such, then it's easier to just make peace with the fact that maybe, the only control I have as a being is to make peace with how uncertain life is most of the time, and it's important to remain calm and kind to ourselves, first and foremost.

It's funny how many faces I have on social media. So facebook is for work and cool videos on Youtube I guess; while instagram is where I brag about my day and my some sort of gratitude journal; twitter is my source of knowledge; while this blog is my head. Then other than that, that is me in real life, and me in real life is divided into the sober me; the drunk me; the me in the class; the me at the office; the me with awkward stranger; me with cool stranger; me with my close friends; me with my fake friends; me with colleagues that I like; me with colleagues that I hate; and so on. There will never be a single face of a being, and let's just embrace the multiplicity of face we have, and hang in there, this can only get better.

And oh! Here's the photo of my new bike <3