Where Are We?

Oh hi, I'm at the airport again but only this time, on my own. I don't remember when, but I really do embrace my own company after days being surrounded by people. I've been spending this past week in Bali, five days of working and two full days of relaxing - though I spent half of the day working. It's crazy how productive I could get during my days off. I think, ever since Garik died, I constantly need some cozy time alone with myself to think about everything that happened for at least the past week or so. The simple questions of how's life going so far; did I encounter happy moments; have I done anything worth it for my future; am I ready to love and be loved again; what kind of love that I want; you're broke! Haha, well that's the fact but I've never been more alive, at least since May 2019. One of the questions that has been lingered in my head since Garik died was 'am I gonna fall in love again?' I reckon that's a shallow ques...

Oh well, this year has been unbearable. It's crazy how it feels like in a year so many things happened, but I don't remember much of it. If I should recall my 2019, then it would have been meeting a lot of new people, traveled to places, partying and drinking like a madman again, shopping like tomorrow doesn't exist, feeling so detached with my feeling which kinda make it all feel like a passing train instead of a transit in life; I know that they happened, but I clearly don't remember the feeling when it did happen, so I sort of question myself every now and then, were those even real? I think ' have I really known myself? ' is the most appropriate question to ask myself at the end of this year. I thought I knew me, you know.. it's been a long time since I asked who am I exactly?; what do I want?; do I want certainty over stability, or they can both go hand in hand?; am I happy with my life, and what does happiness even mean?  Since I began working...

It was April 19, 2016. Almost summer in Russia, yet still a bit chilly. I imagined myself being so stress with my thesis, my supervisor, but mostly with my Russian that had not improved in two and a half year. I was so frustrated, I felt so dumb, yet I had not felt numb yet. I still felt I had hope, future is something I was so excited about - though uncertain but at least I could cope. It was probably the beginning of my self destruction in years followed, something I had no idea what it was until 2019. I am sitting at the airport in West Sumatra right now, waiting for the gate to be opened. It was meant to be four days vacation but I decided on my third day to check my revision and finished it right away. I feel somehow fulfilled when I finish a task, silly me, I let my job defines who I am. On my way to the airport I was trying to find the letter you wrote me about hope, about having a hope. I felt the urge to read it as recently I found my purpose again in life, and by findi...

As we rush toward the end of December, I so cannot wait to make my year-end note as it feels like I've gone through a lot this year - not only me, but many people around me. The year 2019 has taught me most about how to lose touch with myself, and learned that maybe.. I've always been a stranger to myself. I just turned 29 recently. Despite all of the horrible things attached to the idea of getting old, I am honestly so excited about turning 30 next year! I hate the fact that I will look old and unattractive in a way that most women hate, but shit! I like the wisdom that comes with age, and how fortunate are those who get wiser as they get older. My 28th year was.. well, as you already know - awful. Losing Garik has taught me that maybe, all this time, I never really knew myself. The only thing that haunts me most about losing him is the fact that I can no longer get into his mind, and it kills me! I always need his opinion about things that matter to me. I wouldn't le...

My heart feels heavy tonight. Today I shared a lecture with my fav lecturer when I was in undergrad, and he said 'not to belittle ones choices of ending their life, but to die is easy, to live is so damn hard!' His voice echos in my head, am I a loser? I often wonder what have I done right to deserve this luck, yet at the same time I wonder far could I fly if I didn't have this luck. Comfort can be deceiving, but I stick with it anyway - not because I can't go elsewhere, but because I'm too afraid to escape the comfort. I haven't answered your mom's email, it still breaks my heart to remember all the stories you shared about her. I wish I could hug her. Before, I hated the word 'regret' as for me it sounded sinful. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was arrogant, but I planned my whole life to be who I was and somehow I got no regret. At least it took me awhile to answer such question. But now, there are plenty of stuff I regret not doing in the past ...

I got my first email from your mother this morning. It was so unexpected. I got tons of deadlines this month, and this week was one of the worsts. As crazy as it sounds, I couldn't be more grateful with my workloads. It keeps me stay sane, it has  slowly brought back my consciousness to this life. I was in a really dark place last month, and now, despite all the time I spent working, I could strangely feel the emotion that makes me feel like a human; missing you makes me want to cry, talking about the future without knowing your opinion about it makes me want to cry, thinking about applying to school in the State without you in it makes me want to cry, and to think about having serious relationship again.. I don't know, somehow I just don't know how to do it. I was recently told to apply for a PhD program, and the first intake will start on February next year. I thought it was crazy to start that early, I wasn't ready and I still am not ready. I still don't ...

I'm away from home again right now, another fieldwork - or let's just say, another attempt to getaway from life, though life follows me here as I'm here for work. But it's certainly better to stay at home and following the routine that drives me mad. I've been lost in touch with myself, probably, for these past two weeks. I feel so detached from myself and my emotion. It felt like I was floating sometimes, I felt weightless for not knowing where I was and my existence on this planet. I met plenty of new people, but they're like clouds. I've been having a hard time with my memory, I keep forgetting things; places I've been, things I did, people I met, conversation we had, and the feelings I thought I felt. It reached its fucking peak last weekend. I didn't even know what happened but I died inside. My head froze, or worse, it constantly telling me to end this all. Not only did I feel the dark cloud hanging in my head, but everything about life be...