Where Are We?

It's been four months since I came here and a lot have happened, yet still.. happy days are the hardest. I actually came here often, I've been putting out so many words but then I got lost in the middle and quit. It's hard to read your mind when you still don't know which piece is missing. And you know what? I got the scholarship! I'm halfway to get to the place he had always been, the place he often asked me to visit and only when he's no longer there that I'm about to make it. Now, you see how frustrating it makes me. I remember seven years ago when he emailed me telling that he got the scholarship and he's coming back. A few days after I also got an email saying I got that Russian scholarship. I didn't have the guts tell him on email, instead I told him when we talked. On the letter he gave me before my departure, he wrote me I have missed you in America, now I am going to miss you in Indonesia . It just seems impossible to write anything without ...

May 8, 2019. It was Wednesday last year, I remember vividly I was teaching my first class of the day when Garik texted me asking if I had time that day to talk to him. I told him that I'd be fully occupied til 12pm, but I'd be around at lunch time. He said he had to go to bed early, so long story short, we didn't talk that day. Little did I know, that was the last message he ever sent me. It's been a year since. My body still aches remembering that day, the more I think about it, the more I regret. I'm still trying to figure out what had happened last year, I often found myself scrolling my gallery just trying to figure out the feelings I had in 2019. Nothing. I saw glimpses, soulless encounters, empty moments, did I lose myself last year? I don't know. Love is simply the hardest thing to do, and once it's found, it becomes the hardest thing to forget. How funny, I used to be so cynical about it but look at myself now, have never been more miserable. ...

Oh hi, I honestly have not much in mind but I feel like writing something, so here I am. I just recently bought a new bike! Woohoo.. that was fun. I haven't ridden a bike since the end of 2016. My butt hurts, but I need to start moving my ass during this quarantine, otherwise by the time this is over I'd look like a pig. It feels weird to drive again after days using the bike as my main transport haha I know, that's too much.  I talked to Yenny the other day. It was 3,5 hours of deep conversation on the phone, something we rarely do. We talked about so many things; about how our best friend is the reflection of ourselves, about being honest, about letting go, acceptance, about catching opportunity, spending ramadan together as none of us could gather with our family, and stuff. But among all else, as one of those people who know me best, she gave me a clear advice about how to go on living, and about taking the control back while doing it. Yenny knows exactly...

In the midst of quarantine life, I managed to get a few drinks last Saturday night. The drinking outside part at times like this was funny, yet the aftermath was horrible. Next month marks a year of Garik's departure, and the memory of it haunts me every single day. My mind lingers around the only question of why did you leave me? If you've been following my blog, nothing else I talked about after he left but him. The life I have to live without him. It's strange, it's empty, and it makes me cry often. I've never got my heart broken before, I've been through several breakups and nothing felt closely like this. It was easier when you have to go to office, work to do, meeting people was hard at times but it mostly helped. They were an amazing distraction, at least you'd come home tired and got not much energy left but to eat some fruits, had a few talks, then go to bed. But not during quarantine like this, you have the whole time for yourself. I've ...

It feels like I just wrote the same title yesterday. I remember feeling so hopeful to meet 2020, new energy, new plans, was waiting for my article to be published, just got back from year-end holiday with my parents. Now it's been almost four months after that day, and here we are, all doomed. Just so you know, the world has recently been hit by the disastrous Coronavirus. It makes me want to cry just to mention its name. We're basically on lockdown, almost everywhere in the world. I honestly don't know how long this will last and it's making me really nervous just to think about it. I haven't gone to office for a month now? Yea, I think it's been a month. And it's killing me. I never thought I'd need my office this much. Now I know, I can't be unemployed, there's no way I would survive being jobless. And now, instead of fearing the virus, I get more frightened by my mental health. It's getting worse. Of course, what do you expect. I...

“One must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind him to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle - and a mystery.” Sharma, on The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari It was Garik's birthday three days ago. He would've turned 30 if he's still around. Not once I imagined I'd celebrate his birthday alone, not being able to say happy 30th birthday to him. Wishing is one thing, while reality is another. I was in Jakarta that day - in fact, I just got back last night. I was super busy preparing my school application that I canceled all the plans I made, typical me I thought I could finish em all pretty fast, forgetting how such a slow learner I've always been. Don't get me wrong, I knew that his birthday was coming and I'm grateful that I was fully occupied that day. Exactly the day before, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that I went to his engagement party, and he was still alive. Even in my dream, I thought it was a dream - you know the movie in...

Oh hi, I'm at the airport again but only this time, on my own. I don't remember when, but I really do embrace my own company after days being surrounded by people. I've been spending this past week in Bali, five days of working and two full days of relaxing - though I spent half of the day working. It's crazy how productive I could get during my days off. I think, ever since Garik died, I constantly need some cozy time alone with myself to think about everything that happened for at least the past week or so. The simple questions of how's life going so far; did I encounter happy moments; have I done anything worth it for my future; am I ready to love and be loved again; what kind of love that I want; you're broke! Haha, well that's the fact but I've never been more alive, at least since May 2019. One of the questions that has been lingered in my head since Garik died was 'am I gonna fall in love again?' I reckon that's a shallow ques...